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dd1 is confusing me. I am not sure what is going on in her head.

(10 Posts)
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 26-Feb-09 10:02:21

Clearly she is very upset about her cousin being very ill. And probably scared too. The school says that she talks about him a lot and is making him a card <a get well card sad I don't think she understands he won't get well>

But since we told her all she has wanted to do is play on her previously rarely used Nintendo DS. I mean she is obsessive about it. She gets up at the crack of dawn to play it before school and has even asked her TA if she can take it into school to play on a lunch time.

She used to live to dance. It is all she ever does. But this week she hasn't wanted to go. Because she had wanted to come home and play her DS. Obviously I have made her go. I don't mind if she wants to leave dancing because she doesn't like it anymore but not because she wants to play computer games.

However she does dance a lot, so as a compromise I told her she can stop going on a thursday. Which she agreed to.

This morning when she playing on her DS I told her to put it down and she could finish her game after school. "No I can't I will be at dancing" I reminded her that she wasn't going on Thursdays anymore and that she could come home and play. She got very upset and asked why she wasn't allowed to go to dancing when I know that tap dancing is her favourite. I agreed that she could go.

Both of her teachers came to see me yesterday to tell me how well she had come along since last year and her main teacher told me how surprised he was at the fuss she made on Tuesday <she refused to dance and sulked in the corner> because she is normally such a pleasure to teach and clearly loves to dance. So is that what has made her want to continue? Because she knew this yesterday but still didn't want to go.

Should I be making her go when she says she doesn't want to? Her comps teacher has said she is good enough to start competitions at Easter which she is really looking forward to but if she misses too many classes she won't be ready.

And what do I do about her DS? She seems to be using it as a comfort and an escape from what is going on, but I am not sure I am comfortable with how attatched to it she has become.

Divineintervention Thu 26-Feb-09 10:07:30

I would be ready to listen when she wants to talk and perhaps give her a time limit on te DS. I would arrange a visit or outing to a museum or something where she has undivided attention and space to talk if she needs to.
Pick a stress free time to talk about the dancing, maybe cuddles in bed on a Sunday or something?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 26-Feb-09 10:18:33

Wel if she is dancing the DS will be limited anyway as she would only have limited time to play it.

I have never had to put any limits on computers or tv before as she has never been that interested. What is the norm? An hour a night, or is that too much? Should it only be at weekends?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 26-Feb-09 10:41:57


MayorNaze Thu 26-Feb-09 10:46:00

perhaps the ds is her way of occupying her mind so she can stop herself thinking about sad/upsetting things?

maybe she feels guilty about dancing as it makes her happy and she doesn't feel she should be happy when her cousin is poorly?

maybe limit ds time and have lots of talking about feelings ie it is ok to be happy even when sad things are happening?

sorry if am way off here.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 26-Feb-09 10:50:56

I have told her it is okay to be happy and that sitting home feeling sad all the time won't help anyone. And I have told that her cousins sister is still dancing and playing <which is true but I don't think she understands what is going on, though neither does dd1>.

I think she is using the DS to occupy her mind, I just don't think that is good for her. She should be out having fun.

TheInvisibleManDidIt Thu 26-Feb-09 10:54:01

I think MayorNaze may have a point about her feeling guilty about enjoying herself and being happy. Poor dd.

You're all going through a really hard time just now, and she's probably not sure how to deal with the emotions she's feeling.

Maybe you should tell her that she still has to go to dance, but if she wants she can just sit and watch.

And tell her she can have 15 mins ds time, then has to spend 15mins doing something else.

Feel so much for you all at the moment..

MayorNaze Thu 26-Feb-09 10:55:43

well if it helps ds is allowed to play playstation OR go on the pc for half an hour a day. very occasionally he can play more but not very often (i am mean and think he should be playing outside in an oldfashioned sorta way grin).

how old is your dd? what else does she like to do?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 26-Feb-09 11:02:24

She is 5. All she does is dance and pretend that she is Hannah Montana. Or cook. She likes to help in the kitchen.

But 'playing' i.e. with dolls etc has never interested her.

I did tell her it was okay to watch and she did on Tuesday, she joined in yesterday and came out much happier. But she only joined in because I told her I would put the Disney Princess game in the bin if she didn't blush But I am glad that I did she was s much happier last night than she has been for a while now.

DH thinks I have made a mistake telling her what was going on with her cousin. But I thought and still do think that it was best to prepare her for what was happening. She would have had deal with sadness at some point and I think it would have been worse if she had no warning what would happen.

MayorNaze Thu 26-Feb-09 11:19:55

i would insist on the dancing then tbh. i think 5 is a bit young to fully comprehend that it is not ok to pick and choose when you do something that you have committed to (dd and ds were both like that) - you said she "forgot" that she said she wasn't going to do thurs any more and was upset that she had "chosen" not to,so i would keep up dancing even if you do have to threat and cajole a bit.

try and keep business as normal, talk about her cousin by all means but try to encourage not dwelling?

i'm so sorry if i come over as sounding unsympathtic, I really do feel for you

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