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DS 7 and DSD 4 sexual activity help please!! (sorry its a long one)

(7 Posts)
Jenni84 Mon 09-Feb-09 11:07:07

god i don't know where to start i didn't know what else to do apart from get some help from the real experts mums and dads!! my son of 7 and his friend from a few doors away were playing in his room at the weekend and my boyfriend had his 4 yr old daughter for this weekend they were playing with a hide and seek scooby doo, dsd's mum came round to drop off some clothes and stayed for a while having a chat,
she went up to say bye to her daughter and came down not too amused saying thats not nice you shouldnt be looking at her bum... the little boy from down the street quickly left and from then on from talking we found out that the 2 boys had taken off her trousers she lay on the bed and they were looking at her flower then they were both kissing her flower and then her bum,
this caused some problems the girls mum took her home and said she wasnt allowed back in the house and if dad wanted to see her then he came round,

its all been talked about and my son has told me everything that happened he doesnt know anything about sex or what it was they were even doing and this isnt normal behaviour for my son everyone knows they're kids best!! dsd's mum me and my bf have been talking and we know theres not much else we can do since they are so young apart from eplain to them how wrong this is and they are their private parts and give them that talk, still not sure whats happening about getting dsd at weekends or if she's aloud back in the house hopefully time will be the cure of this..
that's not my problem though dsd mum is going in to tell her nursery teacher today i can see why she wants to incase dsd says things to her and a big case gets blown up over something that's been dealt with at home (the only place i think it can be dealt with!), and she wants to find a way of putting this on file im really confused about this because im in two minds about it i know she wants to protect her daughter and have it written that it happened and she did something about it but at the same time ive been reading up and it alot more common than i thought so common that its natural my boyfriend wants me to tell my sons teachers too i have find anyway of this being the right thing to do.. does his primary 4 teacher need to know after summer? what about his primary 5? right through to high school? i dont think so but these are some scarey thoughts that go through my head i understand he wants her protected but this is not an abuse case!!! all 3 of them were in the wrong experimenting needing that "talk" just because hes 3 yrs older doesnt mean he knows and understands what he was doing anymore than she does it was all a laugh to them all! and i feel it needs not go further than the house i can see it doing more harm than good! its going to cause an argument tonight when he gets home from work because i didnt talk to his teacher but i cant if i feel its the wrong thing to do and i need to protect my son as much as he needs to protect his daughter its just seems to be getting blown a little ott. am i in the wrong? should we tell all their teachers?

and help any opinions im open to all even some related stories thankyou so much sorry it was a long read...

madwomanintheattic Mon 09-Feb-09 11:18:59

oh poor you - it's so difficult when all the adults want different things to happen...

fwiw i think they were just exploring around and needed reminding of what is appropriate and what is not, however, what has happened with the other boy's parents? i would want to be sure that there was no chance of any over-sexualised behaviour there related to abuse at home? if you are sure not and have spoken to his parents then i wouldn't be too concerned.

i remember similar stuff going on when i was a kid (relating to a sort of hospital game i think) and it's only as an adult that you start to wonder if any of the kids were subject to adult behaviours at home...

i'm not sure school will be interested tbh, but i think they are all just trying to be really open so that no-one is trying to 'cover up' - which is probably making too much of a fairly normal situation, but people trying to cover their backs given all the media publicity about abuse etc.

if all the adults (including ds's friends parents) agree that they are all spoken to calmly at home, then there shouldn't be anything else that needs doing.

i guess if bf insists, then you could just ask to speak to ds's teacher informally and explain that was some inappropriate play at home between the children, and ask her to let you know if she has any concerns at school in this regard. no biggie.

hope it all settles.

madwomanintheattic Mon 09-Feb-09 11:21:46

i can understand the nursery thing actually - bound to cause a bit of excitement if dsd decides to let the keyworkers in on the new game she was playing - they do need to know so they can remind her it is inappropriate and distract. don't want them calling social services grin

hopefully dsd's mum did the same thing and just said there had been an inappropriate game going on adn ask them to be a little vigilant for any other unwanted behaviours lol...

keels26 Mon 09-Feb-09 11:23:48

I think going to the teachers is way over the top, even for the Mum to go about her DD is too much. It doesnt sound like they 'forced' her to do anything. Obviously its not the best situation as your DS and his friend are older then her but that doesnt mean that they understood it any more than she did. My DS is 8 and he is very innocent about sex and stuff like that. Have found him playing 'Mummys and daddys with his cousin and she is always the one who instigates it. Definitely dont think you should talk to his teacher about it, and if the girls Mum speaks to her teacher I would imagine they will probably think she is being over the top, in my opinion.

mumonthenet Mon 09-Feb-09 11:34:16

I think this should be treated as no big of those "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" that kids get up to.

BUT as madwoman says I would want to have a quiet word with the other boy's parents...and I would also be aware of the possibility that the other boy has been subject to something inappropriate. i.e. where did the idea of kissing come from?

Personally, I wouldn't mention it to the teacher but if your bf and his ex insist then do as madwoman suggests. Don't make a big deal of it.

Buda Mon 09-Feb-09 11:39:17

The only thing that I would find odd is the kissing.

I remember playing similar games as a child - I am sure most of us did at some stage. But it was just looking.

Have you spoken to teh other boy's Mum?

Jenni84 Mon 09-Feb-09 12:01:05

i think dsd's mum wants to give the nursery a full blow by blow explanation of what happened! my bf and dsd's mum went down to talk to theother boys parents and the dad wasnt home so friends mum said they'd come up later in the day but havent seen or heard from them yet that was saturday i would love to hear what they have to say i guess she's prob as mortified as me but i just keep wondering myself where did the idea of kissing her flower come from!!! we've asked my boy if hes saw it anywhere tv or the computer or people doing it he says no and i believe him i know what we watch on tv and what his computer games are like (scooby doo and hot wheels racing lol) he just says his friend kisses the girl up the street but he doesnt look because its discusting lol and ill be honest thats the first time that little boys been in my house in months because too much bullying goes on when the 3 of them are together so i stopped him playing with them but the mouth on the little girl from 2 doors away is outragous what she knows for only being 6!! which is part of the reason he doesnt play with them too for example i had to ask her to leave my house after she had said to me "you suck on your bf w**ly like this" and did the hand movements! it makes me wonder what they've done when out playing and if this is where its being picked up from! i dont want to seem as if im pointing fingers its just i have no other reasonable explanation for him to have known about anything like this! he says nothing has happened but i cant say anything for the other boy i dont know, but its enought to make me wonder.. the good news though is im preganat and we move house in 2 months and soon he'll be old enought to bring home his friends from anchor boys and football lol boys only stuff haha then in 10 years i can really worry!

thankyou tho everyone ill talk to my bf tonight and see if we can sort this out and hopefully take my head out of my backside

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