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DD has told me something and I don't know what to think/do!!!

(18 Posts)
pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:01:04

Hi all,
My DD is 8 and did her school Xmas show this evening. She has been a bit down lately and we have been trying to give her self esteem a bit of a boost which was going great over the last couple of days.

She came home and was a bit quiet, I kept asking what was up and she wouldn't say.

I took dog for a walk and came back to a little note she had written and gave to DH. It said.
"1 man came up to me at the end and said you were duumb, you looked stupid and your lines were rubbish and you looked ugly"

Dramatic, yes and I don't know what to think as she described the man and said he was carrying a camera/had a certain hat on etc...

Either she has made it up for attention or there is a real problem.

We didn't see anyone near her at the end but you don;t see everything when you are chatting to other parents. I have had a big fall out with a 'bunny boiler' type mother (very over protective and stops at nothing) yesterday and can't help thinking it's a bit of a coincidence, but don;t want to automatically put it down to that.

Any neutral help??

Dropdeadfred Wed 17-Dec-08 23:04:52

is this a 'man' in reality or an imaginary being that is voicing her thoughts so that you can praise her?? maybe she thought she wasn't good. i don't mean she's lying exactly..just making her opinions into someone elses ifykwim?

if he's a real man then she may recognise him in the playground again one day? or a teacher may recognise her description..? it's shocking if it's true, your poor dd.

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig Wed 17-Dec-08 23:06:29

That's awful. I'd act like you believe her even if you have some doubts.

Even if a man didn't do this, she must think she's ugly and stupid. So either way, she needs some tlc! Good luck, I wish I could suggest something more helpful.

NCRedBreastedBirdy Wed 17-Dec-08 23:06:30

Is she an attention seeking child usually?

TBH, I would be very concerned if there is any chance this is true. I suppose I would start by talking to the heqd about what she has said. I would expect the head to talk to her teacher about who was there and is any fit her description.

I would speak to dd and ask her if she could explain it again to her teacher so they can see she is genuine and get it "from the horses mouth" so to speak.

In short, my neutral opinion is proceed as if it is true whilst keeping an ear open just incase it is a cover for something else she is concerned about but can't yet articulate. (perhaps she thought those things and was testing Dad/you for your real opinon in a child-like way)

whyme2 Wed 17-Dec-08 23:06:30

a strange man, thar neither you nor her know, is rude to your daughter in school. This needs investigating I would think.
Talk to the teacher tomorrow. If she made it up then I think the teacher needs to know thar yor dd is struggling and if it's true it needs investigating.
Hope it is sorted soon and your dd is ok.

mumonthenet Wed 17-Dec-08 23:08:59

Is she likely to make stuff up for attention? If not, then it sounds like an awful thing to happen.

Does it sound like the sort of thing "bunny boiler"'s family might do? Weird and horrible but I suppose not impossible.

Can you have a word with her teacher/the teacher in charge of the show and try to get a bit more background?

Your poor dd, hopefully she'll understand it's just mean and nasty words.

Someone else will be along with more constructive advice I'm sure. Or bump this in the morning for the early risers!

ReinDIORdroppings Wed 17-Dec-08 23:11:39

Message withdrawn

pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:16:09

Thank you - I can always rely on Mnet.
I think she has been left at the bottom of the pile sometimes as been so good, but lately she has been down. Her best friend left school a while ago and she didn;t get over it.
I think I should discount bunny boiler (even though she is capable)

Her maths tutor asked her what she could say that was good about herself - nothing. She also asked her to describe her qualities - nothing.I was very upset and thought - God I have neglected her (maybe I have - not intentionally.

Makes me look like a crap Mum - and yes I know I could do better. I have had depression issues quite bad, although not for a while and I worry she will be the same.

I will speak again in the morning and say it;s ok to pretend etc... you won;t get in trouble - just tell the truth. Then if still convinced I will speak with school.

shitehawk Wed 17-Dec-08 23:25:30

It sounds as if she has huge self-esteem issues, and this may well be stemming from that.

A friend's daughter - almost 8 - often writes notes for my friend to find saying that another person has said something. There has never been another person; each time it has simply been the girl writing down how she feels but putting the words into someone else's mouth - it's as if she can't tell her mum how she feels unless she validates it by saying that someone else thinks it too. I wonder if that's what your daughter is doing - articulating her own feelings. Certainly what you say your daughter wrote doesn't sound like something an adult would say - it sounds like something an eight year old would say.

She sounds as if her self-esteem needs a huge boost. She also sounds as if she may even be slightly depressed - which won't be helping with the self-esteem thing.

pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:29:35

Hi shitehawk, yes I did wonder if that may be the case - even thoug I don't believe in it in kids that lead 'normal' lives.

It does sound like a kiddish way of speaking I agree.

It sounds like we have a tough time ahead - me thinks.

shitehawk Wed 17-Dec-08 23:34:54

Sadly, it can and does happen in children who lead normal lives.

She may still be struggling to come to terms with her best friend leaving. Has she made other friends?

Does she do anything outside of school which might boost her self-esteem - Brownies, gymnastics, swimming? Is there anything she's really good at that you can get her involved in so she can see herself doing well at something?

pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:38:43

Thank you. NO she as not made another friend and dreads playtime.

She does brownies, swimming and horseriding (oh and badgers because her best friend that left goes)

She is doing great at horseriding but maybe dancing/theatre would be better

NCRedBreastedBirdy Wed 17-Dec-08 23:40:32

I stnad by taling to the school first.

As a longer term tactic for her self esteem, can you go to your gp? My daughter has had some emotional issues similar to those your dd seems to have. We were refered to a child pschologist who came out to see me and her dad. He talked through our concerns, explained the ones he thought were likely to be normal or that could be dealt with in various ways by us. He then identifed those that he could work through with dd and us or just dd. He was really very helpful and dd did go a long way.

Another friend of mine worked with a differnt child psychologist for her ds for different (but still emotional) issues and found they were great too.

Even if you just have the initial chat with them and get some ideas of ways to work through this or chat through what are your silly concerns and which are those you should really work on (not being funny - every parent has a few silly concerns IME!)

NCRedBreastedBirdy Wed 17-Dec-08 23:42:33

Please don't take her away from something she is doing well in - even if you think something else would be better. It takes an enormous leap of faith for a child to see this as "mummy knows best" and not "mummy thinks that I am rubbish at this too"

pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:44:20

yes my gp is brilliant - so if you think it warrants chat and they can help her I will cetainly go. It could be something simple, like you say we do have some daft concerns too.

BrownSugaSprinkledOnPumpkinPie Wed 17-Dec-08 23:46:42

I've just finished reading How To Talk so Kids Listen, in preparation for DS growing up. I highly recommend it.

Perhaps as a start, instead of talking about making up the note. You could say something encouraging about what you liked about her performance to counter what the note said.

"I thought you did your lines very well. It must have been hard to remember them all. That shows you are intelligent."

Something along those lines.

pulltheotherone Wed 17-Dec-08 23:49:20

Yes a book would really helpactually ( i'm one of those who likes a manual!)

I did say 'you were brave up there and you did well. It's like when we got home the praise stopped and she wanted it to start again!

NCRedBreastedBirdy Thu 18-Dec-08 00:08:07

I do think that you should talk to your gp, this kind of help is not only for children who have full on high level emotional difficulties it is also for children who are just finding it hard - the theory is simply that prevention is far better than a cure. Yur dd will probably get over this stage with just your love and support but there is no reason why you should not bounce your thoughts and fears off someone else, they may well have some brilliant ideas that you just wouldn't have thought of (they did that to me - there were a few ahhh! moments in there!)

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