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my toddler says mean things to mommy and daddy lately- new behavior

(10 Posts)
julantal Sun 26-Oct-08 23:53:19

my two yr old (almost three) has started saying really mean and hurtful things to me and daddy. She started about a week ago saying "go away" or "i dont like you" or "i dont want you, i want _" (to the other parent). The hard part is she says it with such venom and hate it appears (which i know is an emotion i have attached to it-- i'm sure she doesnt get this whole part) but she seems to get the intonation and use right on. Now she has begun to add hitting or stricking out or even throwing things when really fumed... It's awful and embarasssing in public (happened only once).

Now the most recent addition to all of this craziness is full blown tantrums with sreaming to the point of puking the other night all because i said "you cannot hit mommmy, tv is off and we are going to bed"-- (it was only 5 min earlier than normal)

I really dont know how to handle this-- do i give a warning and then use time out? Do i send her to her room? Do i spank? I feel so helpless--- between the back talking, new hitting and throwing behaviour and and now three tantrums in less than four days... argghhhh.

She has always had a very strong personality and when she doesnt like waht is about to happen or is happening (even in play- or fun activities) she begins to get SOOO angry and it all starts with a big "NO" and then excalates from there-- how do i diffuse this???

How can i consistant with discipline when the issues are coming from all angles-- ie mean words, mean physical out bursts and full blown sreaming?>??????

is this at all NORMAL????

why do i feel like i have an "evil" child

help help help

PhantomOfTheChocolateCakeAvena Mon 27-Oct-08 00:22:23

At this age they are starting to develop a personality. They often say things that they have heard on the tv or said by other people but they do not understand what they mean. I would be tempted to say that it "makes mummy (or daddy) feel very sad when you say that" and see what happens. Warnings are good, as is time out. I would give one warning to stop, then give time out but make sure you explain what the time out was for and make sure she appologises before moving. It's the same with the tantrums and physical outbursts. Don't send her to her room because the chances are there's alot of toys for her to play with so it defeats the object of it being a punishment. A corner facing the wall or a step is a good idea because there's nothing for her to do.

If you know that something might set her off then I would avoid it if you can. It makes your life easier.

Try not to worry. It won't last forever. Steve Biddulph writes some good books about coping strategies. I would have a look at some of these.

MadamDeathstare Mon 27-Oct-08 01:24:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Mon 27-Oct-08 01:29:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyCherry Mon 27-Oct-08 01:58:50

My DD went through the 'I don't love you, I love daddy best' phase (and vice versa) at about the same age. The fastest way to stop it is to ignore it, or respond along the lines of, 'Oh, do you - that's nice. Shall we have that glass of juice now?' and change the subject. All the while she knows it's winding you up she will keep doing it. If you ignore/make light of it she will probably stop doing it within a week or so.

Also had tantrum phase a few months later. I took her to her room, shut the door (me in there too) and sat on the bed completely impassive while she blew herself out, then hugged her while she calmed down and had a chat about how she was feeling, and why she didn't need to express herself by throwing a wobbly.

It does sound very wishy-washy but it worked for us within a couple of weeks.

Best of luck!

cory Mon 27-Oct-08 08:12:23

Agree with MollyCherry. Don't let such a small child think they've got too much power.

Acinonyx Mon 27-Oct-08 09:00:13

DD (3) does this and we do as MollyCherry.

She pushed me and told me to go away this morning (I coloured the 'wrong' bit of her colouring picture hmm). So I came upstairs and went on mn wink. She was soon upset and demanding my return.

julantal Tue 28-Oct-08 01:46:54

things got worse today-- when i pick her up from school seh is initally nice and happy to see me but as we approach the car or are near home -- anything will set her off- she will scream or fight or say mean things in response to whatever--- even if it's take your shoes off please.

the tantrum today was in the school about some picture she drew--- i picked it up and she freaked out-- i ignored her and headed out the door and down the hall-- she soon followed-- but it's so horrible-- i dont even want to pick her up-- i dread it.

then after getting home it got worse-- she hated the idea of eating at the table-- we are stopping the eating in front of the tv- now that my younger dau is in the high chair.

she eventually calmed and ate her dinner-- but then there was bath-- and then cmae night night-- the final straw was when she HIT me with both fists in the face as we were heading to bed-- all because i told her calmly that is was too cold to go outside and look at the moon...

i hate this really really hate and feel so drained and miserable that i cant enjoy her right now....

Acinonyx Tue 28-Oct-08 07:57:52

Sounds like a stronger version of what we have. We did have a phase of really extreme, constant tantrumming to every transition, big or small (like shoes and socks etc). It was awful and went on for about 5-6 weeks then calmed down. I was really miserable about it though.

I walk away when she is wailing (I've told her it makes my brain melt which happily tells other people now). I try to have routines for touchy transitions so that we both know the drill and there's nothing unexpected. I allow as much choice as is reasonable and try not to automatically say no or act unilaterally. Zero tolerance for hitting though.

I really hate it when it's in full swing though - you just can't enjoy your time together.

liath Tue 28-Oct-08 08:09:01

Presuambly she's getting some kind of reaction from you or she wouldn't bother with it? There's a really good bit in Toddler Taming where the author says that what small children want above anything else is 100% attention from their parents, focussed on them all the time - and they'll do anything to get it! If they can't get positive attnetion they'll act up to get negative attention.

I'd try to give your dd as much praise and input as possible when she's behaving well. I find it's really easy to just ignore dd when she's playing quiety but try to remmeber to comment on what she's doing and say how happy I am that she's playing nicely. I try to praise her if she does anything nice for her brother rather than just bellowing when she snatches off him.

Also I find telling dd what to do is a recipe for disaster - I try and give advance warning if we're going to do anything, don't rush her and rather than saying "put your shoes on" would try "we're going out - what do we need to do before we go out?".

Easier said than done and I really struggle with the parenting thing. It's so crap if it's making you miserable sad. I went through a rubbish spell recently and got such good advice here, it really helped.

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