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Crying & cranky neighbor

(15 Posts)
canuckinuk Thu 16-Oct-08 20:52:35

Hi - I am new mom to 9 week old ds. I thought everything was going pretty well - he doesn't cry much in the middle night if at all, however he's crying more now in the evening and occasionally afternoon(doesn't usually last more than 15 mins at a time, maybe at worst about 1/2 hour before we sort out the problem), and I think this is mainly caused by gas issues. Today i crossed paths with my elderly neighbor (we just moved in) who was friendly the last time i saw her a few weeks ago, but today she looked at me like i disgusted her and didn't respond when I said hi. i'm thinking this is because of the crying noise. I have 2 questions: 1. what is a 'normal' amount of crying for a baby this age
2. have any of you dealt with a neighbor in this situation before - do you think an apology is necessary?? I now feel like I need to shove the dummy in ds's mouth anytime he makes a peep - i am one for feeling guilty alot of the time.

Thanks for any advice you can offer!

MadBadandWieldingAnAxe Thu 16-Oct-08 21:02:06

I don't know what a 'normal' amount of crying would be - so much depends on the baby. Anyway, it doesn't sound as if your baby's crying could be described as excessive.

I don't think you need to apologise to your neighbour. First of all, you don't know that she's upset by your baby's crying - maybe she'd just stubbed her toe and that was why she seemed grumpy - and, besides, she may well have had babies of her own and will know that they do occasionally cry.

Don't feel guilty but do enjoy your baby!

scaryfucker Thu 16-Oct-08 21:05:00

your neighbour is being an arse

all babies cry, and what you describe doesn't sound excessive

don't feel guilty, this stage doesn't last for long

next time you see your neighbour, give her a cheery wave and say "aren't tiny babies lovely, would you like a cuddle ?"

be relentlessly nice, before you know it she will be forcing her opinions on you offering you the wealth of her experience

RhinestoneCowghoul Thu 16-Oct-08 21:08:23

Well if she is bothered by tiny baby crying, then that's pretty unreasonable - as they quite often do cry. Benefit of the doubt, she may just have been in a bad mood that day...

Don't feel guilty about your baby crying tho, and I certainly wouldn't apologise!

feedthegoat Thu 16-Oct-08 21:10:53

Try not to worry about your neighbour. We moved about 10 months ago next to an older couple who keep banging on wall every time my DS playing (which I won't lower myself to respond to as it is the height of rudness anyway!) . He's nearly 3 and I'm afraid whether they like it or not I'm not going to tie him to a chair. Don't let them get you in a state, there's enough to worry about with a new baby.

smartiejake Thu 16-Oct-08 22:22:14

Thought from your opening post it was your neighbour who was crying (and cranky)

Thought perhaps advice to throw her over your shoulder and attempt to burp her might not be very helpful grin

canuckinuk Thu 16-Oct-08 23:22:35

Thanks everyone for the quick responses! i haven't used this site before, its such a fantastic support network for new moms!

hopefully it was just a bad day for the old lady...otherwise, think i will just be super friendly to make her feel guilty and then try burping her.

i still feel a little guilty on tube/bus/etc if he cries as I know what its like to be on the other end of it..need to get over that i guess too.

thanks again!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 17-Oct-08 07:59:38

Trying burping your neighbour, that might work! grin

Seriously, she has the problem and not you!!!!

Snippety Fri 17-Oct-08 09:32:28

I so feel for you. As we live in apartments I was incredibly paranoid about the neighbours being disturbed by DS's crying (although I never left him to cry). I had a huge reaction to it myself - it really ripped me apart to hear him - and I couldn't imagine anyone else just ignoring it. I remember wailing to DH "We'll be evicted !!". I used to also panic if he cried in public thinking everyone thought me a terrible mum and was annoyed that I couldn't quiet him quickly enough.

Eventually I plucked up the courage to talk to 2 of my neighbours. The man upstairs told me he was away in London during the week and that the crying hadn't disturbed him at weekends. The lady downstairs said she could sometimes hear DS but it wasn't a problem. If most of the crying is during the day or evening she shouldn't have a problem. Maybe something else had really got to her that day. If she's been friendly up to now I'd just ask her if the crying's been bothering her. If she says "yes" you can explain that you're doing your best, if not it'll put your mind at rest. wink

meandmyjoe Fri 17-Oct-08 13:55:53

PLEASE don't feel guilty like you need to give him a dummy to make him be quiet. Sounds like you are listening to his cries, sensibly and sensitively working out what the problem is and trying to resolve it. Giving him a dummy every time he makes a squeak will not make him happy and deal with whatever is bothering him. Dummies are great in certain curcumstances but seriously, ALL babies cry and mine cried A LOT!

What you describe does not sound like excessive crying to me at all. Don't appologise, you are not in control of how much a baby cries. All you can do is be responsive to him and be there for him tring to figure out what the problem is, giving him a dummy to suit your neighbour will just gag him and shut him up but not make him happy.

I still feel the same on buses if ds cries and shouts but at the end of the day I have had to realise that a crying baby does not mean you're a bad mum. We all try our best and you're doing fine.

Buckets Fri 17-Oct-08 20:34:17

What's to apologise for? You pay your rent/mortgage, you can't smother your baby. You could be deliberately playing loud music when she'd asked you not to or shouting foul language - then an apology would be nice (but unlikely).
What's your health visitor like? If she's any use, you could send her round if you get any further griefgrin.

FourArms Fri 17-Oct-08 20:54:29

I'd say directly to her, 'oh, I'm sorry if the crying is bothering you', she'll probably (British politeness) say 'no, no problem at all', then you won't have to feel guilty as you've apologised in case there was a problem, and she said that there wasn't!

At one point my neighbour and I were both doing controlled crying with babies in rooms with an adjoining wall. It was a nightmare, and we're still the best of friends! I don't really tend to be bothered by the crying of any baby other than my own (unless we're in a train or other close confines, then I feel really sorry for the parent). I just block the noise out.

moosemama Fri 17-Oct-08 21:07:14

I think you are worrying too much, she may well have just been in a bad mood and it had nothing to do with your baby. DH's Nan used to be very moody, partly due to her spending a lot of time alone and partly due to her being in pain from various medical conditions. She could be an absolute sweetheart one day and a complete nightmare the next. I have noticed this with a few elderly people I have known.

It certainly doesn't sound like he cries too much - I really did pity my neighbours when DS2 had colic - he screamed for hours on and off every night until he had had a couple of appointments with the osteopath. (Interestingly, they never once complained about him despite never having kids themselves, but are very intolerant if one of our dogs so much as whimpers when we are out!)

You can't possibly know why she behaved the way she did last time you saw her, you have enough on your plate with a new baby. Concentrate on enjoying your baby and try not to worry about what she is thinking. If she ever actually complains that would be a different matter. But if that does happen (as I learned from my dog hating neighbours) maintaining a dialogue is always the best way to sort these things out amicably.

I would just keep smiling and saying hello when you see her and leave it at that.

ChezzaB Sun 19-Oct-08 21:18:03

We have just moved n to a new house with our 7 mo ds and our neighbours do not have chidren! I saw one of them the other week and just mentioned that our ds was teething and just being generally really grissly, he as really nice about it and seemed to understand! Saw his missus yesterday though and she seemed like a completely different kettle of fish, the look she gave me was atrocious! I mean ok when ds screams he screams so maybe she was assessing whether or not to call ss but she didn't even say hi or anything! I however do't care. at the end of the day, children cry! End of!!!

carocaro Mon 20-Oct-08 17:57:27

No do not apologise to her or anyone, maybe she did not hear you?! Don't even think about her, and your baby seems to be doing great, babies cry for no reason sometimes, it is not our job to try and shut them up as quickly as possible. As the others have said concentrate on you and your little love.

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