Need help please I am going insane here

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Hi I am at the end of my tether re: my 10 yr old son.

A bit of history, I split with his father when he was 22m old and through the years he saw him on and off until I met someone new in 2006 and the father decided to stop the visits yet again, Difference was this time i stuck to the decision made.

Here we are 3 yrs on and son is behaving so badly. He constantly screams and shouts at me, resuses to do what i ask. If i take a toy away he screams even louder, refuses to go to bed, wash properly, clean teeth, eat what i cook, clean his room, pick his dirty clothes up, he will do nothing at all I ask. We went as a family him, partner, myself and new baby (now 1yr) to child psychiatrist where he told her he knew what he was doing and could stop if he wanted but didn't want to.

It is really getting me down I am at the point where i have tried contacting his father to take him as I am sick of being told by a 10yr old it is my fault.....I hate feeling like this please someone help me.

[Milco]

You sound like you are having a really difficult time

I'm sorry I don't think I can help with any advice - just have the one who is still a baby - but didn't want you to go unanswered. I'm sure someone will come along who has more experience soon. xx

[countingto10]

TBH I think parenting classes maybe more appropriate than a psychiatrist (please don't take offence) - he sounds like he's being a positive brat !

My DS hasn't seen his biological father since he was 6 (he's nearly 16 now). Father was an alcoholic and TBH it was a relief when he didn't want any contact. We have had occasions when DS behaved.like a brat, saying he wished he was with his real dad etc. but I then asked him if he had ever received any birthday cards, presents, christmas presents etc, from his "real" dad (he hadn't BTW) and then I asked him who provided everything for him, all his school trips, PSP's, PS2, guitar lessons etc, etc, which is, of course, my current DH. I know it was a terrible thing to say to him but he needed to realise who was providing for him and that his "real" dad was not a good person. I would point out that I have never prevented his biological father contact - it was his choice.

BTW I have been to parenting classes (I have 4 DSs) as I needed some ideas etc. with the mayham in my house.

And in some respects some of his behaviour sounds completely normal - none of mine clean their rooms !

[J2O]

God knows NSHBIGM! bump for you though

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Counting,

re:We have had occasions when DS behaved.like a brat, saying he wished he was with his real dad etc. but I then asked him if he had ever received any birthday cards, presents, christmas presents etc, from his "real" dad (he hadn't BTW) and then I asked him who provided everything for him, all his school trips, PSP's, PS2, guitar lessons etc, etc, which is, of course, my current DH

we too have tried this and although he answers you and dp he still continues to be as you so rightly put it as a complete and utter brat.

At the moment he has the right hump with me because he wants to go on a school journey but we just can't afford £350 for 5 days for him to go. In the last 3 days I have again been told it is my fault the father doesn't visit, that he hates me, wishes i was dead etc. As hard as I try to ignore these comments and behaviour sometimes i just can't.

The latest thing he did was gorge a huge scratch in ds2's 1yr old) dvd because he was fed up with watching it.

I really am at my wits end.

[countingto10]

Has he given any reasons for his behaviour other than the fact that he doesn't see his father?

Does he feel left out because of the baby? My DS1 was overjoyed at the birth of his brother - he wanted to fill like he had a "proper" family (he's not too keen on them now though!).

I was watching one of those Dr Phil programs a few months ago - he was a believer in what he called "commando parenting" - if he is behaving like this now what he going to be like when he is 14, 15 and so on. He believed that children should earn their privileges. The boy in the program was vile and he told the parents that they should start taking things that are precious to him away and he had to earn them back. Basically he said even if it means him only having a mattress on the floor in his bedroom! (I feel this was a bit extreme but you get the drift).

I really think you should be given some help/strategies to cope. Is he ok at school ?

I think withdrawal of privileges is probably the way to go - his behaviour will get worse if he realises you are not going to give in but then you should turn a corner. TBH I think he is probably using his father as an excuse - there is probably something else (even if it is just jealously) My DS1 sometimes says he wishes it was just me and him like before - I met DH when DS1 was 6 which was coincidently when his father cut all contact .

[Hassled]

I agree that parenting classes would be a great idea, plus more of the tough love approach. And don't forget in all this that, depending on their physical maturity, some 10 year olds are already starting towards puberty - all sorts of hormones swirling about that they can't make sense of, which affects moods and behaviour.

You have to find a way to regain control. Have you told him how distressed you are? At 10 he's old enough to hear it.

[izyboy]

I know it sounds wussy and I am not the one dealing with the situation but dont threaten to send him to his Dad! The kid needs to feel secure and that you love him.

Do you tell him you love him? Is there any point in the day when you hug and talk about stuff?

[izyboy]

I say this because I am sure even 10 year olds need hugs (probably more than ever!) If you can try to get back some closeness and open up routes of communication he is more likely to listen.

Get him to wash up as you wipe and talk side on boys find face to face very confrontational. By all means give him responsibilities and rewards (but I think Dr Phil is a bit barking myself!

[izyboy]

I am also a firm believer that the child is a product of his/her environment and while he is most definitely acting unreasonably, you also need to look at how you work as a family and the dynamics within.

[ib]

Well, I only have the one ds and he's not yet 2 so no experience from a parent's pov, but I was 8 when my mum had a dd with her new partner and I spent the next 2 years trying to kill her. I don't mean figuratively, I mean literally. I would ask to push her pram, then let go at the top of the hill, push her down stairs, everything I could think of. I was awful.

The fact is, her arrival destroyed my world as I knew it. Anything my mum or sd did to try to control me just confirmed my world view: I was no longer the baby, now no one would love me as they would all love the baby more. I made myself very unlovable just to make sure. My dad was sort of around, btw, but I was similarly awful to his new ds.

Don't know how to help you, but thought maybe seeing it from his pov might help. I would say just keep reiterating that you love him, but I know he'll make it really hard for you...

btw, I get along great now with all the parties concerned, but still feel a bit guilty about how I was with my sis...

[izyboy]

That's an interesting perspective ib. He's probably acting out to get attention -even if it is bad. I'll bet it is because he does not feel secure. Please therefore do not threaten to send him away!

[quaranta]

hello, poor you and poor ds ! i am wondering if your two year old is making your big DS feel very out of sorts and perhaps reminding him of his own toddlerhood and what went wrong ( in an unconscious way i mean)

i agree you should tell him how terrible his bad behaviour is making you feel but i would also be prepared to see if you can get him to tell you how terrible i expect he is feeling. of course the anger is directed at your ( and ds2's dvds) because where else can it go? i am sure you are trying all this but i guess you just have to persevere through these very trying times.

it's not your fault or his fault he doesn't have his real dad around,nor that his real dad doesn't send presents, card etc and love and look after him in the way you have. but it is only natural to want his dad's love and he may be feeling that lack and that rejection particularly in the good role model he sees in your new partner with your new little one? how difficult for you all - good luck. i am sure it is really hard going and i hope it gets sorted out. agree with izyboy's points too. keep posting i am sure mums/parents here will have more good suggestions and thoughts for you.

[countingto10]

It's very interesting what ib says as my DH went overboard in making my DS feel like a VIP. When we got married 4 years ago he was joint best man (he was 12) and the Registrar let him sign the register. We gave him the choice about whose name he wanted to take (he decided to keep my ex's name as every knew him by that at school) as we didn't want him to feel he had a different name to rest of the family. Sometimes these little things can make a difference.

Do you manage to go out with him without the baby ie bowling, cinema etc so he doesn't feel everything has changed because of the baby?

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Counting, we have had every excuse under the sun and i mean every excuse. now he says "I know what I am doing and can stop if i want but i don't want to"

Hassled, He knows and seems to get pleasure out of hurting me. He was fine until the age of 5 1.2 when my dad died and he blamed me for his grandad dying as I was holding his hand as he did. I took him to grievance counselling and he was fine for a while. about 3 months. Then he just turned into a nightmare. And progressivly gotten worse.

izyboy, I always tell him I love him try to hug him etc but he pushes me away telling me he hates me. He will be a total brat and I will punish him for example i said no ps3 for a week so he comes to apologise and asks at the same time can i play the ps3 i say no and he screams so loud and tantrums.
As for being a product of the environment if that was the case he would be a loving caring little boy instead of a and i hate to say this wild animal at times.

ib, I have tried my hardest to see it from his pov and find it hard as I am the youngest so for me i was always the spoilt one. But we try to do things with him. for example he asked dp to teach him to fish so we went and bought all the equipment needed ( not cheao I must add as it cost us £500 so far) and as soon as we did including his own pole, whip and rod, he went 6 times and doesn't want to go anymore.

I praise him when he is good try to reason with him when he is bad, ask him to go in his room when he is winding me up so we can both calm down and he refuses. Last week i told him he had 3 chances to go on a school trip and if he came out of his room 3 times he wouldn't go, bear in mind this was 10.30 at night...so he kept coming in and out. I had to let him go as it was part of his school work but i wish i could have stopped him because of how he had behaved.

[izyboy]

Yep he needs structure but lots pf positive affirmation for the 'good' things he does. Tomorrow try hard to find a few things he has done that are 'good' and really praise him for it - say at the end 'you know I love you dont you?'

Try the washing up/ veg peeling/ whaever together and just start a gentle conversation, if he doesn't want to dont force it. Keep doing this everyday.

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Counting, I have offered time and again to take him out, i make arrangments and then he kicks off over something trivial say for instance i ask him to brush his hair. Or he says I only want to go if dp is going and ds2. So i can't win.

quaranta, We ask him time and again if anything is bothering he says no so i ask why are you being so nasty to me then and he shrugs his shoulders and says cos i can and i can get away with it. If you don't give me my own way I will scream louder and have worse tantrums.

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

I know it probably sounds like i am saying i have tried everything but over the last 5 yrs i have and I am now worn out.

I try to get him involved in things all the time.

I ask him of this is because of his dad and he screams at me and I mean screams "he is not my dad he is my father my dad is living with me"

[izyboy]

Ok - just x posts. Without knowing you all well I can only make suggestions. He doesn't really sound all that awful. It is always best to try to choose 'punishments' that fit the 'crime' ones you can follow through.

The fishing thing well, it needn't have been a big thing - just borrow a rod and try it out, kids are a bit fickle about hobbies. How wonderful that he tried tho'.

Lots of kids (and adults) say horrible things when they are upset or grieving - 'I hate you' 'wish you were dead' - very common - and hard to hear. He is a kid though and needs to be guided by you, hard as that may be.

[izyboy]

When He shouts walk away - if he follows - tell him to go to his room. Do not converse with him when he is shouting - tell him you will only do so when he has calmed down.

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Izy,
I wish I could put into words exactly how bad he is.
Ok for example the last place we lived in he screamed and screamed so loud for almost 3 hours because i had said 9.30 lights out that someone called the police and when they came in to talk to him he told them "I know what I am doing, can stop if i want to but don't want to" when they left he laughed and laughed saying "Well that was 1 for me mummy" then went off to bed happily.

[izyboy]

You know I dont want to come over as Pollyanna - but I have worked with some extremely disturbed teenagers. Yep he obviously is manipulative but did he achieve anything that evening? Did you try to talk with him the next day?

[izyboy]

What's he like at school?

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Izy,
School is a whole different thing. He has been the victim of bullies but we dealt with that. He is often seen as a swot or whatever they call it these days lol. He is in gifted and talented for litracey,science and maths. So he kinda gets singled out.

As for that evening he acheived nothing, he got no reaction from me or dp when police had gone as I think if i had opened my mouth i would have lost it and also i just wanted peace and quiet. ds2 was only 9 weeks old at the time.

The fishing thing....when we started going we bought him a £6.99 whip from the shop and he loved it, fishing the small lake catching fish one after the other, then he wanted something better, we bought it, he wanted to fish the big lake we fish there ourselves and because he didn't catch a single fish he doesn't want to go again...s'pose thats the 10yr old in him lol

[countingto10]

I really think some sort of parenting class would be the way forward at the moment.  They give strategies for dealing with behaviours - the one I attended was run by the school, they were very fond of choices and consequences.  There's no shame in attending and the one I attended had a confidentiality thing whereby everything stayed within the group.  The people who attended were not the obvious either - everyone went in and said "Oh I didn't expect to see you here!".  You are tired and have run out of ideas but you need to get it sorted, if you don't he will go from screaming and tantruming to getting physical with you.  My niece did this to my SIL - she is actually scared of her.  You can make excuses for him but he is getting out of control.  Have a word with your school or health visitor as your lo is only 1.  and maybe see your doctor as you maybe depressed (caused by him or pnd) and maybe not thinking as clearly as possible.I am thinking of you as we've various behavioural issues in our family and extended family for a variety of reasons.

[NeedsomehelpbeforeIgomad]

Counting am going to see H.V on wednesday. I will talk to her. Yes i said to dp the other day i think I am depressed a mixture of ds1 behaviour and i think (this may seem wierd) the shocking way ds2 was born. (at home in 4 1.2 mins a month early)

Oddly enough ds1 is an angel for mum, sis, bro, dp, bro-in-law. Everyone but me!!! and i am the one who has always been there and always given him what he needed, wanted etc.....so why do I feel so guilty?