Giving a 2 year old a dummy for the first time...

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

ok, this could go in AIBU.

I have been told I am being ridiculous in my views. so here goes...

DD, aged 2.3. Never had a dummy. when she was newborn she went through a phase of crying between 6-11pm, DH wanted her to have a dummy, I did not. I gave in. DD did not want the dummy anyway. So I got my way. DH was a bit sad, he found it 'cute'.

Anyway. At nursery, some of the babies have dummies. DD now has a baby doll at home with a dummy, she loves it, puts it in her mouth pretending to be a baby at nursery. It has a spike as for a doll so I removed it from her.

Anyway. She is obsessed with it/dummies.

So. DH said, why don't we get her one? ensues a long debate/disagreement about how she should/should not have one. My view being most people are trying to stop their children using a dummy at this age, not starting on them...i got very stroppy about it I am afraid to say. I was livid at the thought we could create a problem.

She is waking early, wants milk at night, lots of it. I did not want her to develop another 'comfort'.

DH calls me at work after a 'think', after she finds her baby's dummy. Asked what I thought about getting DD one as a toy, you know just for fun, we decide when she gets it, etc etc. I disagree with a passion. At work.

Thinking for a while. I call a lot of the shots, and sometimes I am wrong. And I don't want DH to think I dictate how it goes, so I call him back and say ok, try it, your call, only for fun, NEVER to passify. Agreed.

He buys it. In the car, gives it to her, she is very pleased. Has no idea what to do with it, but pretends to be a baby.

Dinner time. She won't take it out. We took it off her, she screamed the place down 'my dummy' 'my dummy' my dummy'.

Same at bedtime. DH puts her to bed acknowledging he did this so he can deal with it.

This morning 5:30am. for 1.5 hours cries 'my dummy my dummy my dummy'. DH gets up, and get the dummy and says to her 'if you stop crying, you can have the dummy'. .

So, I went berserk, I was FURIOUS that he would give it to her as she had cried for it, when it was not meant to be for this.

She cried for 2 hours, and DH had to take it away and get rid of them.

I think really I just needed to get it out.

I would prefer I was told my DH is being a total arse, but if I am wrong, please tell me, so I can understand why I might be being 'ridiculous' in all of this?

[drivinmecrazy]

DD2 (3) has dolls dummy, she loves to put it in her mouth, get in her dolls pram and call DD1 (7) 'Mummy'. Has even asked for a bottle, although she never had one as was breast fed til 10 months then had a beaker. Maybe it's just a role play thing, but it does drive me nuts.
Have often thought what would happen if i gave her a dummy, now I know

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Its too long right?

I just said what I was thinking, I cant summarise that !!!!

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

drivin - just don't do it. DD clearly sees what it is for...she has associated it so it cant ever be a 'toy' to her.

I love her pretending. I love her wanting me to hold her like a baby sometimes. love her wanting me to 'tap tap' her bottom like she is a baby.

But the dummy....she is too young to understand role play fully.

[MinkyBorage]

Why on earth does you dh want her to have a dummy? Very perculiar!
I felt the same as you about dummies, still do, but they got me a bit of sleep in the early days, but I can not see them being easy to get rid of. I wish I#d had the stamina to manage without

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Drivin - i BF until 10 months, spent the whole time trying to get her onto a bottle at the advice of a health visitor (DD was low birth weight, claimed my BF was not great, which was crap advice, we now know), and DD refused, then she decided to use one, stopped BF and now we cant stop her drinking from one!

The dummy is just the last thing we need. Its is causing a huge rift in our relationship. Well the dummy/sleep in general.

[LoveMyGirls]

I think you were right.

We've just taken dd2's off her (she put them in the bin) just before she turned 3, if she has gone without until 2 then I see no need. I always used them with my dd's because when I had dd1 i was 17 and I didn't really think or make decisions I just did what I thought everyone does I thnk. With dd2 it was a case of dd1 had 1 and it didn't do her any harm etc it hasn't been really traumatic to get rid of them but it is another thing to get over tbh mind you I still think dummies are better than sucking thumbs because at least they can be taken away.

[Twinklemegan]

NOOOOOOO. Don't do it!! I feel so sad when I see toddlers with dummies - they hide their beautiful little faces and stop them talking properly. Get rid of it never to see the light of day again.

[Yanda]

I have a 2.3 DD too. You were right, your H got it wrong IMHO. My instinct is that this is not like a child who has always has a dummy wanting her dummy, this is a child who has been given a new toy who is having her new toy taken away. Your DH saw it as giving her a toy and then its to be taken away when ever you think is needs to be. So I think you need to treat this as you would if she wouldn't stop playing with a new toy, you either see it as a phase and ride it out or you take it away as you see fit, or you bin it and decide it was a bad idea and put up with the temporary upset.

[merryandmad]

We are still trying and failing to get dd2 2.4 off a dummy. We gave her one at 7 months after I had to stop breastfedding suddenly. (She was making herself sick by comfirt sucking on a bottle of milk when she definatley wasn't hungry).
I reasoned that dd1 sucks her fingers when tired and if possible I didn't want dd2 to do that too.
She is okay until she sees another child with one and then gets really upset- although she will happily give it to you if she wants to play, get out of the car etc. She finds them and puts them in her mouth out of habit.
Don't do it if you can possibly avoid it.

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Yanda - so far, that is what we have done. it was an experiment on DHs part, that went wrong. It has gone for now.

But it is not without it's problems as a result of it.

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

I also have to say, DH finds it very cute when she has it stuck to her face. I hate it.

I feel so upset by it all.

I don't know why. I just feel like I am letting her down. somehow.

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Why does she want it NOW? She has never wanted it before?

Is this pretending to be a baby again normal? Should I indulge? If not, snould I not pretend for her to be a baby for fun either?

Oh, toddlers are harder than babies!

[PortofinoPumpkin]

I think Yanda is right - it's like buying her a toy then taking it away for no reason. No wonder she gets upset. When my dd was this age we were working to stop her having the dummy she'd had since she was tiny. I think you need to be firm and suffer the short term consequences. Explain that dummies are for babies - like her dolly - but not for big girls like her.

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Porto - I am so glad this has been put this way, about it being like a toy we are taking away from her.

Maybe I can explain to DH what it means. Maybe he might understand. He just seems to want to hear what he wants. The things he agrees with, its all good. If he disagrees, its because people are talking crap.

Its just, I don't know more than him, just feels like I have more common sense than him. If I can give him evidence of why its not good, he might understand.

I hope so. She is such a good girl, she is sooooo well behaved, and her sleep, it must be down to us. and we need to deal with that without making it her problem or her punishment.

I feel happier in one sense, that she should not have it. But i also feel even more upset that we have just made her unhappy for no reason at all.

[ButtonMeUp]

What a totla arse, all for his benefit for thinking it cute.

You are Definately not unreasonable, i would be furious.. although i would have said no full stop to the toy thing as well as it sounds confusing.

[Yurtgirl]

Pavlov - Nooooooooooooooooooo! Dont give her a dummy. A completely weird thing to do at this age imo

If your dd asked to play in the road would your dh let her "because she wants to"

Completely bizarre - sorry if my example is facetious but no way should children be given everything they ask for

Stick to your guns - you are right

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Button - yes. I know it, if you know what I mean. But my DH is not a stupid man, he is a very intelligent, articulate guy, and it sort of I guess made me think, how could it be a wrong idea? Maybe, maybe it is me that got it wrong.

[ButtonMeUp]

IQ to not equate to common sense

[PortofinoPumpkin]

They have short memories at that age though. It's not like it is a habit. Even with my dd's long term dummy, we told her the dummy fairy had taken it now she was a big girl...etc etc. Can you get her something else to displace it? Don't know what she likes, but something cuddly, or alternatively, as she is a big girl, something sparkly? My dd was a big fan of Claires Accessories at a v early age.

[PavlovtheWitchesCat]

Porto - oh she is too spoilt by DH already! She has things she likes that she gets, everything but nothing in particular if that makes sense? Currently it is Charlie and Lola and she had Charlie cuddly toy. But she is not usually obsessive about anything.

Just the dummy.

[PortofinoPumpkin]

Pavlov, I KNOW about dd's and their adoring fathers. My DH will stick the TV on the minute she comes through the door - stuff daddy has taped off cbeebies during the day. Then he usually gets her all excited about something or other. Then when it's his turn to take her up to bed, he just has to do somehting for 20 mins. Then he is cross when she doesn't settle down. Strangely, when he's away with work I never have any bother....

[LoveMyGirls]

I think my dp is more intelligent than me but I'm better at looking after dc's I just have a better understanding of their needs, it's very simple to me but he lacks a bit of common sense and the voice of experience, he just isn't here as much whereas I deal with it all time and time again so I suppose it not suprising I handle it all better and know what they need etc

Sometimes I think he handles dd1 better though he is much better at explaining things in depth, he's also better at doing homework.

We can't all be good at everything.

Your dh made a mistake, if he doesn't make the odd one how will he learn, don't beat yourselves up over it

[babyinbelly]

i would bin the dummy. waste of time at this age and the longer she has it the more difficult it will be to get rid. Ds had dummies as a baby but then started sucking fingers instead. 2years later he found old dummies and started to use them and want them all the time. They all went in bin. end of story.

[meandmyjoe]

Get rid of it, totally and for good. Never let her see it! Don't even mention it and hopefully she'll forget about it. Sorry but I do think your dh has been a tiny bit of an arse but obviously not purposefully. He just wanted to make her happy, just went about it in a way which you didn't want.

You could always tell her some bull sh** about the dummy fairy needing all dummies from 'big girls' to go to babies who don't have any.

My ds would never have a dummy as a small baby, at the time it was hard as all my friends could plug their babies up and mine just screamed but now I am so glad he didn't. Their having terrible times trying to get their 2 and 3 year olds to give them up. I personally don't think they look cute, they just spoil their lovely faces. You are right to be a bit miffed with dh but it's better to work together to try and fix the situation.

[bozza]

You are right. DH is wrong. DD went through a dummy jealousy phase at that age. Would go to play with her friend who had dummy and wander round her house with dummy in mouth (but clenched between teeth) and also did the doll's dummy thing but no way would I have bought her one, let alone given it to her at night.