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Nasty 3 year old

(11 Posts)
tron Tue 01-Mar-05 18:28:44

My son is 3 and started nursery in january. At least once a week he comes home with scratches/bite marks/bruised fingers from where is has apparently been fighting with other children. He had one big bite mark on his cheek and scratches down his face so deep that they were bleeding. The teachers say he provokes the other children by not waiting his turn and pushing then. Even though he is the youngest there he is stronger than most of the others - he can push a plastic climbing frame across the play ground with at least 4 other kids on it. I have started him on the omega 3 oils and cut out monosodium glutamate but i haven't noticed any difference. Is he normal or does he have a problem. My HV is no good, I'm on my third who keeps saying to give it time but I don't want him to get chucked out of nursery - the teacher says we have to take it one day at a time - plus it seems to be the same kids he is picking on and the same boy who gives himall his 'war wounds' Can any one help????

vess Wed 02-Mar-05 05:57:36

Sounds normal to me. Can't the nursery staff help and talk to him when he's supposed to wait for his turn? And prevent all that?
Do they really think that just because he's stronger, it's ok to let other children bite and scratch him? To me scratching and biting sounds a lot worse than pushing - regardless of the situation.
Does he like his nursery?

FairyMum Wed 02-Mar-05 06:53:02

I think few war wounds from the playground is normal, but once a week sounds like there is a lot of fighting going on. I think it sounds like the teachers should step in more. Could they be short of staff? Do you have a good dialogue with the staff?

tron Wed 02-Mar-05 12:28:37

Hi vess - yes he loves his nursery - when i told him if he carried on fighting there would be no more nursery he was devestated and burst into tears - he's been asking to go for at least the last 8 months! I'm so relived you think he sounds normal - the impression i got from his teachers is that he's not

Hi fary mum - i don't think they are short staffed - they have 2 teachers and a helper who assigned to one little girl who has learning difficulties, there are about 12 children all together (it's a state nursery unit attached to the school) does this sound right?

My childminder (she has him 3 days per week) asked if shecould sit in the nursery (i'd be stepping in too much)and see him in actioned but they said they'd rather she didn't

tron Wed 02-Mar-05 12:29:09

Hi vess - yes he loves his nursery - when i told him if he carried on fighting there would be no more nursery he was devestated and burst into tears - he's been asking to go for at least the last 8 months! I'm so relived you think he sounds normal - the impression i got from his teachers is that he's not

Hi fairy mum - i don't think they are short staffed - they have 2 teachers and a helper who assigned to one little girl who has learning difficulties, there are about 12 children all together (it's a state nursery unit attached to the school) does this sound right?

My childminder (she has him 3 days per week) asked if shecould sit in the nursery (i'd be stepping in too much)and see him in actioned but they said they'd rather she didn't

FairyMum Wed 02-Mar-05 13:56:29

I think the ratio sounds normal for a state nursery.I think I would speak to them more if they imply your son is "not normal". I think that sounds very unprofessional to just imply without sitting down properly with you and coming up with ideas how to help change the situation. There are so many different reasons why children behave the way they do at this age.

mrsflowerpot Wed 02-Mar-05 14:06:36

I do feel for you. And you know what, they shouldn't be letting it go on long enough for him to come home with war wounds like that, certainly not on a regular basis. It takes two to fight like that - if he's getting hurt like that he's not the only child there whose behaviour needs addressing, never mind who started it. It's for the staff to stop it. What are they doing to engage him in other activities and divert from this kind of behaviour? My ds is nearly 4 and at nursery and is having some problems with his social skills and the staff are being very proactive in getting him doing different activities with a range of children. Ds is a bit pushy-shovy, and not one to run off from a bit of a rumble, but they have never let him come home with a scratch on him, or let him hurt anyone else.

tron Wed 02-Mar-05 16:45:48

They say they don't get there in time, it's the same boy that has given him most of the scrathes and bites - i found out today from other mums that this boy and his sister are in foster care and are being adopted at the end of this month and are also moving to a different school - fingers crossed this will help him calm down, apparently the boy is easy to wind up and my little horror has picked up on this - i am concerned about the fact they haven't said anything about trying to divert his attention etc - his latest is from when one little boy was at the computer and mine wanted a go and when he asked the boy and was told no he pushed him, the other boy went right for his face. How can I raise this with the teachers without being seen to accuse then of being rubbish at their job. Also he's been invited to a party for a girl in the class on sunday and i'm in 2 minds whether to take him

vess Wed 02-Mar-05 17:44:30

Definitely take him to the party, if the other by is there you'll be able to see for yourself what's going on.
Sorry no advice about talking to the teachers - I'd be very confused about it myself, because to me it DOES sound like they are not doing their jobs properly!
So it looks like you can't do anything about the other boy and the staff aren't going to do anything either. All you can do is try and influence your ds's behaviour, even though I wouldn't say it's his fault only.
You can probably try and remind him often to be patient whith other children and wait for his turn - with friends, at a playground, wherever. Maybe even organise simple games which involve taking turns with a few friends...
Try and encourage him to talk instead of push. He's probably just a bit too impulsive.
What else can I say? I find it very annoying how some people put labels on children!

mrsflowerpot Wed 02-Mar-05 19:28:58

Yes I second taking him to the party, you can suss out the situation yourself and see how he interacts with the other kids, and you'll be on hand to stop any problems too.

As for talking to the staff, just an idea, what if you took the approach 'I'd like to know how you are dealing with any inappropriate behaviour so that we can be consistent at home with what you are doing'? Ds's nursery are very big on this, they want to be sure that if we are doing something, eg time out for pushing, they are doing it too and vice versa. Maybe that way you could get a better handle on how they are dealing with it, and you might be able to take the conversation round to how they deal with other children in the same circumstances. It does strike me that if your ds sees aggressive behaviour met with aggressive behaviour (ie he pushes and the other child lashes out) then he needs to see both his own and the other child's behaviour being dealt with in the same way, iyswim.

They are still so little, and this is what nursery is about imo, to teach them that they aren't the only ones to be considered and help them to interact properly.

Bigmumma Fri 04-Mar-05 21:24:48

hi tron, bigmumma here. Saw your message. Again my DS has the same problem having to wait his turn. They have a laptop at his pre-school and there were two people in front of him before he could have a go and I think he got impatient and kept demanding it was his turn. I know what my DS is like and although the teachers didnt say so but I'm sure he would have pushed someone or hit them over the head if he didn't get his own way. Its so frustrating for you, as for me and I wish someone could answer our concerns. I want my DS assessed by a child pyschologist to see if he really does have ADHD or something like that. As for the other kids who are biting/fighting him perhaps they are going through the same thing - it could be frustration???

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