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I think i hate my ds, i love him and i don't want to hate him

(20 Posts)
Brokenma Wed 01-Oct-08 14:15:38

I have name changed if you recognise me from my posting style or anything else please don't 'out' me as i don't want the world to know what a failure i am.

My son is 4 he is my eldest i also have another child. DS has a long term illness which i can cope with. I can also cope with general day to day naughtyness.

What i cannot make my self cope with is his general silly behavious, the copying me in that annoying parrot way, the stupid noises, the loud screaming, the talking like a baby, lisping on purpous. He licks me and mouths me and uses me as a public climbing frame. I jsut cannot cope with it or tolerate it i always loose my temper and it makes me so upset and angry that i can't deal with it. In fact i hate him. sad i love him so so much but sometimes i hate him.

I know your all going to say what a bad horrible mother i am to say that but i am trying to be honest.
Please also don't tell me to try a family aid charity as i have an amazing support net work and i am not coping alone.

The stupid thing is i KNOW what he does is normal child behaviour but im suck a fucking idiot that i just can't bring myself to ignore him when he does it. angry

I know he's doing it for attention but i give him tons of attention, i am always playing with him, reasding to him, i take him walking and to the park. I tell him i love him and show him affection but it never seems to be enough.

I have seriously considered this week asking my mum if he can live with her, i think she would take him to but i know i have to learn to deal with this becuase i love him and i want us to be a haapy family.

I din't know what to do and i am fed up of crying.

After a particuarly haectic trpi out yesterday i ended up in my car afterwards unable to drive as i was shaking so much with stress, i end up like this at the end of most days to.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Please if anyone has any suggestions to help me i am desperate.

TotalChaos Wed 01-Oct-08 14:19:52

Sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment. What you put about the mouthing/climbing on you etc sounds like he's sensory seeking - I think there's a book called the "out of synch child" that is meant to be good on the topic. if you haven't got a trampoline at home, that can be very good - also there's something called a "chewy tube" that can be good for kids that like to mouth. I know you say you have a good support network - but do you get enough time to yourself?

babyinbelly Wed 01-Oct-08 14:21:01

Don't know what to suggest really but wanted to give you my support. I think if all mothers are honest they have days when they hate their children. I certainly do! You are not alone in your feelings and you are not a bad mother. You just need help in knowing how to deal with these certain behaviours.

Hope someone has some good advice for you. x

katiek123 Wed 01-Oct-08 14:40:30

anyone who dares to call you a 'bad, horrible mother' has no heart. you clearly have a BIG heart and love your little one dearly but are in a very bad place bcs you're totally overwhelmed. i used to have flashes of hatred for my mostly-adored daughter too bcs she was, and still can be, so utterly demanding. you are definitely NOT a failure, or abnormal, you're just being painfully honest about feeling a lot of mothers have but never admit to.

you clearly need help...and have a good deal in place already...argh i want to help you but am not sure what to suggest. first thing - do you have time to yourself? could your mother help by - less drastically than taking your son on full-time - taking him, for now, for a regular night/24hour period every week? you so need some time for reflexion, rest and to get yourself some SPACE.

thinking of you

lingle Wed 01-Oct-08 16:00:05

I am so sorry it's hard right now. I have said "i hate you" and "you stupid idiot" to DS2. blush Not that that helps you but the last thing you need right now is to feel that you're unusual or "bad".

Acinonyx Wed 01-Oct-08 16:04:56

I'm no expert but his behaviour sounds like an extreme example of regressing to babyhood for attention. DD (3) is very prone to this and it drives me batty (and we have no younger sibs - she sees plenty of babies though). Can he go to preschool and will he go to school? The company of older children and adult carers other than mum (CM in our case) has helped a lot to cut this behaviour down.

The licking/mouthing would surely irritate anyone. I would perhaps pick that battle first and see if you can stop it. Not sure that I see 4-yr-olds relentlessly climbing on their mums either.

Nothing wrong with you as far as I can see - your situation sounds genuinely very challenging.

moomaa Wed 01-Oct-08 16:07:22

I've thought bad things too, but no-one else would know. It must be normal, we're still people who have normal reactions to other people, even our own children. Haven't got much advice either, will he grow out of it, and can you get a proper break?

Brokenma Wed 01-Oct-08 17:21:55

He goes to nursery 5 morning a week!

I Just feel i should beable to handle it but i can't and it really makesme angry with myself and frustrates me.

He is a lovely little boy but can be such a challenge, its nice to know im not alone though.

My mum has him some nights on the ocassional weekend, i get some time to myself, not alot but some.

bubblagirl Wed 01-Oct-08 17:34:14

i think all of us with challenging children have all at some point had these thoughts i did once i never wanted to get up in the morning or accept my ds was different but to be honest once i did do this accept he was different i found such a new perspective on how to deal with him how to handle my frustrations on the annoying things etc

but it took me a while and i still have off days when i cant cope and dont want to cope but now i do have alot more good days than bad as i have changed how i deal with things and see things

do you have any one you an talk to in rl i go to a sn group and find this so helpful as they have trained staff to listen and help and understand

but please dont be so hard on yourself sending big hugs

lingle Wed 01-Oct-08 18:27:00

I'm not clear yet whether the licking/mouthing has anything to do with his illness or any sn or not? I'll assume not for a bit....

What do you do when he licks/mouths? Do your responses vary according to whether you are at the end of your tether? Or whether his illness is affecting him?
I've noticed that sometimes when we feel guilty as mothers, we can veer between angrily fending them off and guiltily allowing them to do things that are unacceptable.... is this happening to you?

The licking/mouthing is such an invasion of your personal space that it does seem as though it would be great to prioritise that. What do you think? Would you look at the material that Total mentioned? Could you work on a consistent strategy for that? one step at a time and all that....

sympathies. and thank god for anonymous forums eh?

sheena1 Wed 01-Oct-08 19:07:53

I thought i was alone on this my dd2 is going through what people tell me the "terrible 2 stage" and i really cant handle her or control her at least once a day i say i hate her but really its not her i hate its the behaviour when she is good she really is amazing but when she is out of control i totally hate her

I know how your feeling i dont know the illness as my daughter aint ill just 2

i hope everything gets better soon ((((hug)))

bubblagirl Wed 01-Oct-08 19:23:18

im not sure what the licking of the mouth could be but my ds did do this while back cant remember how he stopped he just did

i do feel for you its hard sometimes justifying what is and isnt to do with there sn

not sure what your ds illness is and wont ask you to elaborate in fear of outing you

but i do let my ds do things sometimes as its easier then getting into a battle about it

but i do remove him and keep removing him when he does some things i dont like and he does stop as he realises i will keep moving him away from me for doing it

lingle Wed 01-Oct-08 19:28:23

I guess many 4-year-olds still have real problems with other people's personal space. loads of them have to have group-work on it in reception year.

Brokenma Wed 01-Oct-08 19:50:12

Hi thanks for all your input and advice.

My DS's illness isn't so much a SN as mentally or emotionally but its a physical thing, he has daily medication and regular hospital visits.
I can't say more without really outing myself as not many children on MN have the same thing as far as i know. Ds has full mobility and no emotional/mental problems so unless you knew you wouldn't beable to tell he is ill.

So no the licking/mouthing isn't part of his illness i honestly don't know why he does it but he does it to me and dp but also licks walls/doors anything really.
He has no idea of whats exceptable when it comes to personal space ect but he is only 4 so i guess that normal.

I NEVER let him get away with it weather he is feeling poorly or not, his illness isn't yet cureable and it will get worse as he gets older but i am determined to treat him like a normal child so he gets told calmly that its not exceptable, if he carrys on doing it he gets time out.

Time out never works but it gives me space away fromm him to calm down.

Its not so much that i hate ds but i hate myself for not being able to cope with it becuase i feel i should.

I would like to tackle the mouthing first as i really can't stand it but i am really not sure how, i asled my hv for help but she just told me to attend a parenting class i have already been to and completed.
I have tried time out/ taking his treats away it just doesn't work even if i do it consistantly but no punishments work on him for any misbehaving.

I try my hardest just to walk away from him when he is doing it and i always say 'ds mummy doesnt like that, if you would like a kiss or a hug please ask mummy nicely' and he does but the next time will be the same back to the licking and mouthing, the climing i the same as i said i have a younger child aswell who mimicks ds in everyway, i can't even sit on my own sofa without them climing up my chest onto my head ect.

I can'y go to the bathroom alone even without them following me.

i know this is what i signed up for when i choses to have them but tis just getting a nit much.

I am going to read the stuff total suggested now.

MaeBee Wed 01-Oct-08 20:13:18

i have no advice just empathy: i have many times when i feel like i hate my ds, and think about walking out forever. am cross with myself tonight for losing my temper so badly with my little one...and its his birthday tomorrow too.

not everyone feels this level of rage/dislike towards their kids BUT plenty do. your feelings are normal. and my god, what you are describing about being climbed all over and licked all the time sounds horrendous. i too get annoyed by being clung to/groped by my child all the time. i think needing your personal space is also a normal thing, so please please don't beat yourself up over it.

something that has actually helped me recently, helped me not get so angry and so cold, is not trying so hard to be a perfect parent. i take shortcuts now, i let him watch the odd film when im ill or exhausted, im less uptight about food. i lowered my standards of myself and him, and we get on a bit better for it.

good luck.

wtfhashappened Wed 01-Oct-08 20:19:03

apart from the illness, I could have posted the same thing today - so if you are a bad mother then you are not alone (and I don't think you are). Much of this I think sadly is 4 yo testosterone and life changes and it is bloody hard to deal with. I feel guilty most of the time because I find my other 2 children so much easier to be with.

If you were a bad mother, you certainly wouldn't be posting on here worrying about your situation.

Big hugs

theautomatic Wed 01-Oct-08 20:19:25

Really sympathise, we have all been there. What you are feeling is normal and the fact that you are looking for advice and support on how to cope with the situation shows what a good mother you are. I remember reading once that its Ok to love your child but to HATE their behaviour, and this has given me great comfort. I cant stand being used as a climbing frame either, my dd also uses my hand to wipe her nose on which drives me insane, I know shes my child but still... yuk!

lingle Wed 01-Oct-08 20:21:54

could he have a reward for every day without mouthing/licking?

harpomarx Wed 01-Oct-08 20:22:47

my first thought was that maybe it is because you are coping with a lot - ie the long term illness that the silly small stuff ends up winding you up.

I know that because I have 'coped with a lot' in the past I can be very susceptible to being upset by small things, or wound up by minor incidents.

do you think this is your case?

after reading a bit more, I did think the mouthing/climbing thing might be particularly annoying, especially if you are already a bit vulnerable. There are certain things that dd does that just wind me up straight away and, yes, they are normal, irritating things that 4 year olds do. My strategy is to try to tell her as gently and calmly as possible that I won't put up with that behaviour and reward her if she doesn't do it. I remind her of our 'deal' as soon as the behaviour starts surfacing again and... sometimes that works grin

IsAnybodyOutThere Wed 01-Oct-08 21:47:19

My ds did EXACTLY the same stuff when he was 4. Licking me, climbing all over me. It would drive me completely nuts and I often felt terribly guilty, like this stupid and really annoying behaviour was my fault.

He finally stopped and I'm not sure if it's just something he grew out of or because I changed tactic.
However angry I felt, whenever he did any of those things I would respond with a really simple and really clear "No licking" or " no climbing". If he was sitting on my lap or if I was carrying him, holding him etc. I would say that and then pick him up/pull him off, put him on the floor and then walk away. The first few times he looked gobsmacked but eventually it did lessen and got to point where if he did it he would apologise!

I really feel for you because it is infuriating and I really hope he manages to stop soon. Be nice to yourself. Your doing a great job. Having to manage a long term illness must be hard work. Good luck

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