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How can I get my 5yr old to go to school?

(32 Posts)
strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 09:55:28

My 5yr old started sch 3 weeks ago, bar 3 days, she has screamed and thrashed abt like a wild animal to not go - Ive had to resort to carrying her in screaming past all the other kidz...she doesnt tell me whats wrong & know she enjoys it from her teacher etc....Its becoming a real problem as Ive also a 18 month old with me. Anyone help??

misdee Thu 25-Sep-08 09:57:14

what attention do you give her when she is like this?

pgwithnumber3 Thu 25-Sep-08 10:00:47

Poor you, I believe I was like this as a child, my mum also had a young toddler and an older child, she said it was a nightmare.

I have no advice as to what would definitely work but maybe a reward system might help. You tell her that if she goes into school every day without screaming then she gets a sticker on her chart and at the end of each week she can have a special treat. I find that this helps my 5 year old if I want something done that she is reluctant to do.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Thu 25-Sep-08 10:00:57

my dd was like this we have an agreement whereby if she can go to school without a fuss she gets a kinder egg on the way home. if she can manage it two weeks in a row she gets the dr who dvd files mag.

also getting there early so she can meet up with her friends and have a run about in the playground before school seems to help.

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 10:08:08

I try not to give her any attn, just positive stuff, its ok etc. To be honest by the time ive physically dragged her out of the car in front of everyone (which doesnt bother me, I'm like ho hum), anything I do or dont say doesnt make an ounce of diff !!

Ive tried taking her to her buddys house to go in together which worked twice, but today she bawled for my friend....I spoke to the c/room asst on the way out who said "some kidz just dont like school"...v helpful...

Ive promised her a treat if she goes in w no tears, doesnt help & she's also started to get angry w me vv easily outside of school.
Shd I take her to docs for referral or is it too early for that?

MrsCurly Thu 25-Sep-08 10:12:56

I think too early. As the parent of another girl who's just started school and has been reluctant to go - though not to the same extent - I have found she has really settled down over time. She has been there six weeks now and it was really only after the fourth week that I would say she started to seem more relaxed and positive about going. It is a big change for them, however prepared you think they might be. I really didn't anticipate that.

So good luck and keep perservering.

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks Thu 25-Sep-08 10:14:56

I haven't experienced this myself but i know friends who have and they ended up working with the teacher on a reward system, so it might be worth talking to your DD's teacher explaining what is happening and asking if they can help put something in place so that everytime she goes into school nicely the teacher gives her a sticker or something. My friends found that their DC responded better to their teacher asking them to do it

Hope it gets easier for you

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 10:22:18

Thanks, thats a great idea 4 the teacher to get involved, I must say when my dd comes hme she often role plays being the teacher, so must think well of her..

Its whether teacher will agree to do it I guess !

Also, I think it affects my dd that she gets little comfort from teachers when she cries like that, which must be a real shock, she is just like "come on, get yr books out & come in.." rather than "there there, its ok etc.." which is what shes used to.

I know its a tough time for them to adjust, and my dd has had to go into a mixed group of reception & yr 1's in the same class which Im not happy abt.

Shd I arrange a meeting with the head, or am I being over worried??

kitbit Thu 25-Sep-08 10:24:22

Sticker charts. Throw all parenting principles out of the window and resort to a disproportionate level of bribery. You can tone it down once she's settled. lots of luck!

Denny185 Thu 25-Sep-08 10:24:26

My neighbour went through this for the entire reception year, no form of encouraging, cajolling, blackmail, cuddles etc worked.

He started year 1 the same way until his new teacher suggested it may by the noise in the cloakroom and try bringing him the front entrance. It took a couple of days and hes certainly not skipping in but theres no crying/screaming anymore.

Hope u find a solution

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks Thu 25-Sep-08 10:32:59

I wouldn't meet with the head (unless the teacher refuses to help) but i would see if you can have a quiet word with her teacher

my DC have always idolised their teachers so the thought of them thinking 'bad' of them made them very upset, DS1 doesn't know he's older but DD still cares very much what her teacher thinks - they have never cared when i ask them to do things though!! grin

Hopefully your DD's teacher will take a sympathetic view and help you with this, i can't see why they wouldn't

don't take any crap from them though as they should be more than willing to help as its a very difficult time for children to adjust. They don't have to deal with the consequenses at home like you do so make sure your satisfied by what they say/do

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks Thu 25-Sep-08 10:33:49

know = now

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 10:35:01

Thank U !!

I never thought of the noise thing, it is a mad scramble I must say & my friend said it was quite a bad 2day & my dd looked lost in the middle of it ! I'll try getting her there xtra early 2morrow & see what happens!

LurkerOfTheUniverse Thu 25-Sep-08 10:41:56

well. it sounds like you are doing all the right things, she has to go

the school should be supporting you more

it's interesting that you think your dd likes her teacher, even though it seems that said teacher dosen't fuss over her
sometimes you have to have a no-nonsense approach if there are no obvious reasons for their upset

it's hard when they don't seem to settle, but i'll bet she's fine when you've gone

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 10:42:12

My other concern is that Im sure she not taking anything in, as I ask her what she's done during the morning/eaten for luch etc and she says she doesnt know?? what r the signs of dyslexia???! Christ, I think I need a reality check !!

Just rang sch & asked her teacher to call me, hopefully she will be more helpful.

Watch this space!

LurkerOfTheUniverse Thu 25-Sep-08 10:45:04

it's alot for them to take in, they'll be playing mostly

it's a long day also

LurkerOfTheUniverse Thu 25-Sep-08 10:46:30

is she sleeping well? my dd is very stroppy when tired in the morning

cory Thu 25-Sep-08 10:49:17

IME no child in Infants ever learns anything at school, they never eat anything and they never play with anyone.

'What have you done today, love?' 'Nothing, Dunno'.

It doesn't mean they haven't taken it in, simply that they are too tired at the end of the day to run through the whole thing again for your benefit. Particularly if they sense any anxiety on your part.

If you have genuine concerns, ask the teacher.

But IME crying at the start of the day is extremely common and not necessarily a sign that anything much is wrong. Again, ask the teacher. But I would just carry on ho-humming for a while longer.

sparklesandnowinefor5weeks Thu 25-Sep-08 10:53:08

really don't worry about the 'i can't rememeber' or 'i did nothing today' sort of answers mine all give those and its because they actually can't be bothered to think what they have done!

On the way home from school if they give me an answer like that i play a guessing game with them about what they did, it works wonders and usually jogs their memories

DS1 is in yr 5 now so i really do have no idea what he does all day grin but DD is yr2 and they have a timetable outside the classroom which i have a quick look at so i know what she has done and can put those things into our gusssing game later

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 11:04:57

I think I could cope with just straightforward crying, I'm used to her doing that through nursery, pre-school etc, but this is a whole new level of distress !! Its like I'm about to throw her to the lions, no-one likes to see a youngster being carried into sch hitting their mum screaming (in a way it makes me so much more determined to get her in the door!!)

I must say, though that she has always been a terrible sleeper, and rarely pops off before 8pm, I have to wake her at 7.15 to get her @ sch by 8.30...so yes it is a rush in the morning, she is tired & grumpy & absolutely will not eat a thing before she leaves, despite my best efforts, so yes, this is accumulative in adding to her anxiety abt school.

Ive got to tighten the thumbscrews and get her in bed early, as I know every night is bad and ends up in my bed. Why cant she be like my youngest and has been a breeze at night for the last year without fail????

Oops ! I may have just jinxed that !!!! LOL !

Elibean Thu 25-Sep-08 11:04:58

Agree, even dd1 (endless source of information normally) says 'don't remember/do'nt know' half the time - she started Reception 3 weeks ago too.

Sounds like you're doing really well in supporting your dd, it is a big shift for them (and us). Also think taking her in extra early could help - bit more time/space with the teachers, less noise and chaos.

The days dd1 gets wobbly about going in are the days I have dd2 with me: I think knowing her little sister is coming home with me doesn't exactly help. No choice, though, of course.

And it is very early days...

saaa Thu 25-Sep-08 11:40:53

I would agree with most of the above, my son put me through all of that last year, and we have just started year 1 and it's still going on! I don't think the kinder eggs and bribery works, well not for my ds. He was so stressed he couldn't stop the crying, so the kinder egg was nice but wasn't going to stop him getting in a panic. The main reason he gave for the tears was not wanting to leave mummy. He very strongly felt that mummies should come in to school, and should not leave their kids, and yes he had been to nursery and preschool( all difficult times with much tears). He loved it once he was in, made lot's of friends and comes out smiling and happy. I found it very difficult at first, wondering what I was doing wrong, was I being too kind, Too hard. Was he being bullied, etc etc.WHAT COULD I DO???????? On one occasion my son said' mummy I wish I had never been born' because he so strongly hated going in. Well that broke the straw for me. I spoke with his teacher and luckily she was lovely about it and spoke with me again over the weeks.I also spoke with the head. We didn't come up with any great ideas, but one thing that definately helped was if a teacher took his hand as he went in, he just wanted the feeling that someone cared. they would lead him into the cloakroom and then urge him on, just gently allowing him to leave mum. I thought year 1 would be better, but no . He is even more adamant "I'm not going". Half way through last year I just calmed down about it. That's him that's the way he will always be. It helped me cope. Other mum's comments are not always helpful are they? Take in the good ones discard the bad ones, trust your judgment you know your child.

LurkerOfTheUniverse Thu 25-Sep-08 11:43:37

yes, she probably needs more sleep and she really needs to eat in the morning

i wouldn't worry to much about her coming into your bed, the first priority is to get her a goods night sleep, you can work on the rest later

ActingNormal Thu 25-Sep-08 11:55:02

My DD was like this, although maybe not as extreme, all through R and occasionally still this year. I used bribery - a chocolate snack after school if she doesn't cry and cling on to me.

I think a big part of what scared her was the mad scramble and crush and noise of them all piling through the door at once like someone else said. I felt a bit helpless as well with my DS in his pushchair as well and not wanting to leave him outside while I went in with her.

The teacher and assistants were good in R and if they saw she was being distressed they tried to distract her by talking to her about something in a jolly voice. If that didn't work they held her hand and if she was clinging onto me they firmly pulled her in with them. As soon as she was in the classroom she was always fine.

I felt that if they hadn't dragged her in I wouldn't have physically been able to make her let go of me and go to school!

She said there was nothing about school that bothered her she just wanted me. It was just that separation bit she couldn't handle.

She was the only one that did it and I felt a bit embarrassed and wondered what I had done wrong as well. I just tried to accept that this would happen most days and she has calmed down now. It helps her sometimes if she walks in with one of her friends.

strssd Thu 25-Sep-08 12:00:18

Thank you for your comments, esp Saaa - its good to hear its not just me !! I have had some difficult comments from my DD as you have with your son, and I too have thought abt the bullying thing, but with her, I dont think thats the case, I just think UR absolutely right in that she just wants to know they CARE... Hopefully when the teacher calls me today, I will arrange for her to meet my DD early at the doors, take her hand and lead her in, and if theres no tears, give her a sticker.

If she says no, then I'll have to put my foot down, kidz are not sheep, they cant be shepherded around as they see fit, they are little people, and its wrong to dismiss their anxieties, irrespective of the level of mine when i take her in !! How is your ds now?? Thanks, your comments have been invaluable....

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