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A friend has a very difficult, aggressive and threatening and destructive 15 yr old son can anyone offer anything I cansay to help her?

(8 Posts)
Piffle Wed 24-Sep-08 13:39:48

Son is out of school as was expelled
never been psych tested yet, has committed minor crimes, railtrack offences, smoking weed etc

His mum has had to give up custody of her youngest son (different father) (10) to her ex husband as her elder son is so rude and aggressive he cannot be trusted with the younger boy.

Now this son is meant to go to vocational training each day but rarely goes...
He is boked in for psychiatrist evaluation under youth services but his mum cannot get him to go as he refuses, smashes the car door and throws car keys away when pressured about it.

She got a new mobile phone (she has no house phone as he rips out cables) and he dismantled it seemingly jealous as she had refused to upgrade his as he had ruined her old phone.

He then kicked the front door in, this was in front of his youth worker who ahd never seen him raging before.

My friend is terrified of him, he does throw things at her but has so far used only things like custard, food etc

The youth worker has requested a multi agency meeting

Friend cannot cope, she is quite petite, and accepts that she has made errors in the past with him, she thinks he has ADHD or soemthing similar as he can be lovely but changes without notice.

What can she do?

lilolilmanchester Wed 24-Sep-08 13:52:40

the poor woman. Hopefully someone will come along who has professional experience and can advise. My only thought would be to ring youth services/whoever has arranged the evaluation to explain she can't get him to come to the appointment (probably not that unusual ) and perhaps they could do a home visit/provide other advice?

Bluebutterfly Wed 24-Sep-08 13:59:26

Sounds very serious and the evaluation sounds very important.

Also, does the boy have any older men in his life providing positive role-modeling (father, uncle, grandfather, step-father).

I think that teenage boys (more than any other agegroup) really need a steady, authoritative and kind male influence to get them through the testosterone years...

Having said that, it sounds like your friend's son's problems run deeper than that, but it may be a consideration; is there any trustworthy grown male who can willingly put aside regular time with him and build up a strong relationshipe that gives him a positive male influence?

Piffle Wed 24-Sep-08 14:04:37

sadly no
her first husband left her for another woman and disappeared (father of this lad and his older sister (the dd is grown up 22 yrsand a mother and is "fine")
Her 2nd husband also left for another woman and came along when the lad in question was 5

He cannot control him either and behaves like a detached man would, needs a good smack and firm handthat lad, while not offering any actual support.

the psych will not make house calls for H+S reasons <sigh>

Piffle Wed 24-Sep-08 21:02:39

bump for night posters
She is desperate

dinasaw Wed 24-Sep-08 22:01:20

Tell her to make sure the Psych team know why she has not been able to get him to an appointment.
Make sure she attends any appointments even if she can't get him to go with her.
Tell her to keep a diary of any incidents etc so she has it all recorded for any meetings.
And make sure she knows that if she is in physical danger to call 999 straight away.
Is he under the youth offending team? Can she contact them?

Piffle Wed 24-Sep-08 22:05:38

yes the youth worker and psych appt result from youth offending team
She calls 999 frequently
They refer to domestic violence
Then she is not in enough danger apparently
Tis enraging lack of support for parents with troubles like this

ActingNormal Wed 24-Sep-08 22:13:40

Could he have repressed emotions he is finding hard to express and feels he can't talk about them?

Does he need to talk to his Mum about his Dad leaving? Could there be other issues, eg bullying at school or some kind of abuse from somewhere? My brother went through this and it made him mental. He took out his aggression on me because he didn't know how to deal with what was happening to him and didn't feel he could talk to anyone. He needed to feel in control of someone because he felt he had no control over what was happening to him and had had no control in the past over family issues.

Has anyone made him feel truly listened to and made him feel he can tell them everything on his mind?

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