DS (4) has been through a lot in the past couple of years, mostly with respect to mine and XP's relationship. It's taken its toll on us all, and just a handful of things seem to have created a persisting fear of abandonment in him.
The biggest contributing incident I can think of and that he can remember was my taking time out for me in the car just before he turned three. We were going through major strains at home, and then DS hit me round the face when I'd said "no" to something. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I prised him off me and then off the front door - so I could close it behind me - so I could sit in the car for a few minutes and calm down. I never intended to drive anywhere, and didn't start the ignition - but he didn't know that. DS wasn't alone: his dad was still in the house, napping, but DS may not have realised this. I remember seeing him distraught through the glass of the front door, and I lasted all of about 10 seconds before running in to hug him. But he remembers this and, for a while, if he heard me pop into the porch for something or jangle my car keys, he would run up to me, anxious that I was leaving.
He was playing up at bedtime tonight, so I said I wouldn't stand for it and went up to the lounge to calm down - and he thought I was leaving again.
I HATE it that this has happened. I know that we've been going through a really tough time and that I have done my best in the circumstances, but it's no comfort really, knowing now that DS doesn't feel very secure nor that he can depend on me to stick around. DS is very attached to me, to the point where other people sometimes raise an eyebrow at the difficulty he has separating.
DS has also started to say - only very occasionally, when cross and being more than a bit dramatic - that he wants to kill himself. Most of me thinks that this is 4-year-old, out-of-context dramatising when emotions are running high - he is a happy, skipping, singing child a lot of the time. But still I worry.
Is there anything I can do - bar the obvious lots of reassurance that I'm staying around - to bolster DS's sense of security and self-worth? I don't want him to be scarred by the instability in his life over the past few years, and hope to improve this situation while DS is still "malleable".
TIA.
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Anyone any experience of boosting security of 4-year-old who fears abandonment?
2 replies
piecesofeight · 21/09/2008 22:55
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