how would you deal with this 4 yr old? pls. x

[plum100]

Hi all, having a similar time to a lot of others on here in that my 4yr old dd just started reception last week and is a nightmare. We have alot of just completely refusing to do stuff, just point blank "no", and lots of "why do I have to do what you say ? I dont want to . I hate everyone, I dont want you as my mum"

Most of it I just try to ignore - but when her behaviour is unacceptable - e.g she hit me the other day - then she goes for time out, but when I come to get her and she says sorry she does so trying to hide a smile!!! Should I the leave her there for another 5 mins as she clearly isnt sorry?

It just seems that whatever I do nothing phases her - I think she would happliy sit in the hall all day!!! I end up having to threaten to take stuff away , and then it seems im always threatening just to try and get her to so anything and I dont want to bring her up like that.

THe worse thing was the other night- she was crying over something silly as she was over tired, and a relative was goingso he went to kiss her as always and she kicked him really hard! Even worse is when my husband demanded she say sorry she just refused. HE was so embarrassed. What do we do. He sent her straight to bed, and she also had to go to bed early last night as her punishment. Do you think we did the right thin? I felt we needed to do more than time out.

I just dont know what puishment fits you know? Stuff like not banning t.v doesnt really bother her either. PLs help. Shes going to be horrible when she grows up!! I wanted more children but as Im not doing a good job of bring ing this one up Ive decided agianst it. Thank you

[Seeline]

Did this start before she started school or after. I f it is the latter I would just carry on as you are making it clear what you find unacceptable by time out etc. She is probably just a bit confused and tired from the new situation and is trying to find her feet at home where she knows she is secure. Good luck - mine starts this afternoon!!

[cookinmama]

This is going to sound terrible but work out what she loves most and use it as leverage. Had similar problems with my ds and eventually used his soft toy that he went to bed with. It took me taking it away a few time before he caught on and then he started to improve. As he's got older I have had to change the item but he's 11 now and it still seems to work.

[plum100]

THanks all.

Coookinmama - I have thought about taking her blanket away that she has at bedtime but Im worried that that is really really mean and I dont know if when it got to bedtime I could hold out and not give it back to her.

dashboeard - i have given her a smack before in the past when she has hit her sister , and she turned aroung and said "didnt hurt"

I know that school is a factor the the moment. Good luck seeline!!!

[rdk]

i really know where ur coming from this sounds as tho i have wrote it my dd is the same age and im having the same problems but also my dd has started hitting herself and has bite herself many a time too, when she cant get her own way . she has also started throwing things in temper the other day she threw a custion off the sofa at me whilst i had hold of my 5 month old son. hopefully the good people on here will give some excellent advice as always. nothing seems to bother her even if i take her teddy or toys from her she always has a smart comment like i dont care anyway or well i dont like it anyway etc.x

[cookinmama]

I felt really mean the first time i did it but the behaviour was totally unacceptable and I had to give him that message. I would possibly cave the first night on the promise of the behaviour not happening again and then stick to my guns the next time saying that she was warned that it would happen.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

i have no idea but when you find out what works let me know as i have the exact same problem.

though we have beat the "im not going into school alone" with a promise of taking her to the local chinese restaraunt on friday after school if she goes into school without making a fuss. so maybe tackle one issue at a time with a reward or treat for doing something/not doing something for a week?

[Seeline]

Dashboard - are you my mummy? I recognise that 'here's one that will' so well.

[plum100]

Lol dashboeard - i soooo wanted to say that to her too, but these days you are made to feel like a child beater for even thinking of touching your kids that I thought I couldnt. Maybe Im just to soft. I dont know . thias is bloody hard work isnt it?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

oh plum my dd also does the "didnt even hurt" are you sure they are not twins sperated at birth?

taking things away - no problem take what you like ill play with something else she says.

taking every toy away - no problem ill dance instead

stopping music - i can dance without it

stopping dance classes - dont care anyway

time outs - she positively enjoys

shouting - she shouts back/ignores depending on her mood

one thing i have does work is reward reward reward. go really ott with it. "well done for saying thank you thats a very good girl im very pleased im going to tell x how good you have been saying thank you"

and work towards one big reward as i said earlier.

[WigWamBam]

While I wouldn't necessarily agree that hitting a child is the way to teach them not to kick someone else, I agree with the rest of dashboard's post. Threatening isn't effective if you don't follow it up, so start to carry your threats through. Lots of positive encouragement by rewarding the behaviour you want is a good idea too.

The key with the kicking her relative is that she was over-tired; no amount of punishment is going to improve that. Behaviour often does go downhill when a child is over-tired, and it's then a case of being a bit sensitive to that, and picking your battles. I don't believe a child should be forced to kiss other adults, for instance, so that would be a battle I wouldn't choose to pick - and particularly not with an over-tired child.

Does she have a set bedtime? You may need to think about making it a little earlier for a while if she continues to be so tired.

Starting school is difficult for a four year old, and until she settles you may find that her behaviour is unsettled too. She is used to being around you and having your attention; she is also used to doing what she wants rather than having to go along with a class. Kicking back against that is pretty normal.

A lot of what you describe sounds like attention-seeking behaviour - hitting, saying she doesn't love you. Almost to be expected at this age, particularly when just starting school - being taken away from you. It gets a reaction, and she doesn't particularly care what kind of reaction. When she says she hates you, don't react. Just say "That's a shame because I love you", then walk away and do something else. When she asks why she has to do something, just say "Because you are the child and I am the adult" - then help her to do whatever it is you've asked her to do.

Remember that she is only very little, and starting school is a confusing time for her. It will pass.

[sundew]

Hi Plum I've been through this sort of behaviour with my dd1 and it usually happens when there is some sort of family crisis. I'm convinced that she is not being naughty (unless she was like this before she started school) and I would stop all the punishments. Sorry I know that is going against everyone else.

Your dd has just made a major life transition and is probably feeling a bit emotional and stressed. I know when I am stressed I get angry and shout at my dh and dds more than I should - and then put it down to stress. It isn't excusing her behaviour but she wil be having to be really 'good' at school and is coming home tired.

As hard as it is (and I do sympathise) I think you need to try lots of positive reinforcement for her good behaviour and try and ignor the bad behaviour. For the kicking incident I would have sent my dd to her room - but would then have got her to write a card / phone up to apologise when she had calmed down.

Good luck

[plum100]

Thank you Wig - we had a chat about the incident last night and she said she didnt want to be kissed. I have told her that she never ever has to kiss anyone if she doesnt want to so she should say no, or turn her head or come to mummy. I do ignore the silly hurtfu, comments and I do tell her she has to do what I say cos shs a child but she just replies why am I the child!!! She shound just like seashells little one.

Well I amgoing to pick her up in a minute and today is a new day and all was good before school so here goes.... we have storytime later so hopefully all will be ok, She asked daddy to bring her home a fudge - she said she would be good - so wish ne luch ladies!!!
And thanks again

[Marne]

I agree with Wigwambam

Starting school is so huge for them, my dd has been a nightmere since starting, we have the answering back, the whys? and no's.

Smacking does'nt work it just makes things worse in dd's case. When she gets home from school i just leeve her to eat and veg out with some colouring or crafty activity, the first hour when she gets home is the worst, i just feed her and leeve her

[Neeerly3]

my DS (4 in december) can be like this - however he has a twin who isn't at all. I have treated them the same way and they are at the same developmental stage, so I am a firm believer that some behaviour is inherited. My DH can have proper temper tantrums even now when he doesn't get his own way and is as stubborn as a mule. His mother has informed me that my DT2 is the spitting image of my DH when DH was the same age, in appearance and personality.

That comment was both reassuring that it wasn't anything I was doing wrong but also worrying that there was nothing I could do to change him!

Our current coping strategies for him are, ignore as much as we can, even the lying on the floor refusing to move trick in the middle of a shop - try to ignore the looks you are bound to get from people who don't understand your situation. Your treatment of behaviour has to be consistant, no matter where you are. Also involving them in as much of day to day mundane ness as possible, DT2 loves to help me hoover, dust, clean, put things away - I can often divert away from nuclear meltdown by offering him a job to do. If I leave it too late and he goes past the point, I shut him in his room until the screaming and the "you are stupid and stinky" insults have stopped. i don't time it to the regulatory 3 mins for a 3 year old as he can take a lot longer to calm down. I just go back in and ask if he is ready to talk, if he shouts again I leave. He bascially gets nothing from me, positive or negative while he is in meltdown...once he is calm and receptive we talk about why he did what he did and why mummy out him in his room - usually results in a calm rest of the day.

that said, I am not ready for parent of the year award, some days dealing with him is just too much and i repsond to his tempers with tempers of my own, we have a full on slanging match, he usually wins as I cry first and nothing is resolved, but I'm human, and so is he - we don't all follow a parenting code programed in, we deal as we find and how we are feeling at the time.

Good luck with your DD, she WILL grow out of it and yoiu will enjoy being her mummy again!