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just totally lost my senses. my son is a destructive, bully and i do not know what to do.

(83 Posts)
deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:48:34

I am shaking and cant stop cryig.
He has just completely bullied and hurt his little cousin.....when he thought that no one was watching.

I saw him jumping up and down on her while she cried and cowered in a corner.
what would you do in this situation?

ScaryHairy Tue 26-Aug-08 14:48:54

How old is he?

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:49:46

5

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:51:42

i have only recently started to venture out with him again.
none of them can stand him.
i thought he had calmed enough to trust to take out to visit people.
will have to go back to not taking him anywhere.
jesus christ, what the fuck have i done so wrong to him

snarky Tue 26-Aug-08 14:52:57

How do you deal with this behaviour normally?

What does his dad think?

Are there any dietary issues that you know of?

TheGoddessBlossom Tue 26-Aug-08 14:54:03

is this typical behaviour from him ? Or a one off/two off? It's really horribel to see but at that age it still could be testing boundaries and seeing whta he can get away with....I saw my two boys start to gang up on a little girl the other day, acking her into a corner and poking her, it was horrible, her face was awful! But they were really just "testing" I think, and I told them off and made them apologise.

IT's so hard isn't it - you want your children to not be bullied, but next in line is that you don't want them to BE a bully...

What did you do?

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:55:25

pulled right back with diet, back to basics as this has slipped over the summer. He was So much better because of this.
dad also thinks he is awful behaviour wise.

take stuff off him, he is in his room with pjs on now, i cant stand to look at him.
need space from him.

cant believe i lost it infront of my sis and mother, i went bazerk. feel such a twat now.

GooseyLoosey Tue 26-Aug-08 14:55:26

Ds is the same age and can behave like this too. With him its with his younger sister. Oddly other times he is the sweetest most generous child.

I clamp down hard on ds hurting people and I have let dd decide what should happen when ds hurts her. I also have a chat with him about why and almost invariably it is because either she has provoked him or he percieves some injustice where she has got something he has not. This does not make the bahaviour acceptable but it does mean that for me the long term way to deal with it is to teach ds strategies for getting what he perceives as justice without resorting to violence.

I too have seen him as a vicious thug and been in tears. But this is not fair on him. He is only 5 and trying to work out how to deal with things. He gets it wrong sometimes, but as long as you work with him at putting it right, things will be fine.

Look past the behaviour to the child you know he is and you will be fine.

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:56:37

demanded he got his wellies on, get in the car and straight home.
lost it, banshee screaming at him, throat is sore now.

singyswife Tue 26-Aug-08 14:57:41

Is there nothing you can do at home to limit this. This sounds like my nephew when he was little and he ended up with only a bed in his room as everything was taken from him as punishement, He eventually learned that by doing things there would be a serious consequence to his actions. How about saying, we will go to the park today (tell him in the monring, you may be dreading it but stick with it), then do 3 strikes and you dont get to go. Remind him of this the first time he does something and tell him, that is one strike. Then the second time say next time you wont go to the park then the third time take the park away from him. If you make it to the park and he misbehaves at the park he has another 3 strikes, 1st one a warning, second one a reminder, 3rd one you go home. You have to tell him all of this in advance for it to work. Explain the strikes and what will happen if he gets 3. This might just work. I think for your sanity and for him to learn how to behave (i.e by copying peers) you must get out. How about open space instead of the park where there are loads of other people. I can give you my email address if you want to talk. Good luck. BTW FWIW You are a good parent, do not think this is anything you have done. Children are designed to test your patience!!!!!!!

GooseyLoosey Tue 26-Aug-08 14:57:58

Have done stuff like that too and am conscious that I have at times sounded like a fishwife. Do you have any other children?

GooseyLoosey Tue 26-Aug-08 14:58:56

Also would say that with ds we can get into a negative cycle where we keep telling him how bad he has been. A great thing for ds has been focussing on a rewarding the positive (even when it is difficult to find).

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 14:59:17

not seen him like this with other kids until the recent past couple of weeks. Just completely disregarding them, that he is hurting them, pushing just bieng a fucking bully.
I dont get it and i dont accept it. I will not tolererate violence and yet i wanted so much to smack him hard. how mad is that!

Earlybird Tue 26-Aug-08 14:59:33

Obviously he knows he has done something wrong based on your reaction. But, do you think he actually understands that his behaviour was unacceptable and why?

juuule Tue 26-Aug-08 14:59:48

While there is no excuse for his extreme behaviour, have you asked him why he did it?
Did his cousin do anything before he reacted how he did? How old is she?
If no-one was watching how do you know what had happened before he got spotted doing this?

juuule Tue 26-Aug-08 15:01:14

Oh and when I say no excuse for his behaviour, I mean even if something provoked it then he has over-reacted.
There is an excuse in that he is only 5 and still learning and needs someone to step in when he starts to lose control.

MascaraOHara Tue 26-Aug-08 15:01:16

you sound like you hate him. I feel sorry for him.

singyswife Tue 26-Aug-08 15:01:46

Agree with Gooseyloose concentrate on the child you know he is too. Totally OVERPRAISE good behaviour, even silly things like, well done for opening your biscuits etc. Say things like oooh I love it when you are like this all cuddles etc. Make a point of letting him know when his behaviour makes you happy. I wouldnt worry about your mum and your siter they will know why you did what you did.

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 15:01:59

only have him,
we are a quiet, loving household, dh is a teacher, im a nurse, we are quiet and gentle by nature and yet we have been given this kid who is SO opposite both of us that we are just speachless.
apart form effing and jeffing on here, i never ever swear, but he has just pushed me to my limit over and over again.

juuule Tue 26-Aug-08 15:02:56

If it's only been in the past couple of weeks, I'd think there was something else going on. Talk to him and don't automatically assume it's him that's in the wrong every time.

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 15:03:04

mascara, dont even go there, that is not helpful at the moment.

singyswife Tue 26-Aug-08 15:03:50

Mascaraohara, that is a totally unfair comment. Has your child enevr pushed you to the absolute limit. Parents are only Human you know. If you cannot vent how you feel on here then where can you say it??????????

deanychip Tue 26-Aug-08 15:05:00

i am here to rationalise my reaction and his behaviour, not for critisism.

Ok, so last couple of weeks not much different has gone on. He hits phases as all kids do, so this is a phase right?

juuule Tue 26-Aug-08 15:06:27

Probably a phase but even so it needs dealing with.

Have you asked him why he did what he did?
How old is his cousin?

MascaraOHara Tue 26-Aug-08 15:06:47

She does. I'm entitled to my opinion..

and no I would never call my child a "fucking bully "

and actually it was the "none of them can stand him" that really made me feel sorry for him.. if they're the vibes you're sending out what do you expect.

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