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ds2 said the saddest thing I have ever heard tonight....

(71 Posts)
KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:17:24

ds1, ds2 and I were in the car. ds2 said, "ds1 why do you go to all these chess tournaments?"

ds1: "Cause I like them"
ds2: "no, you go because you hate me and don't want to be around me."
ds1: silence
Me: "No he doesn't ds2. ds1 told me while we were away how much he missed you."
ds2: "He only misses me because he has no one to be mean to and call them a bitch. he hates me and is always mean to me."

sad

gothicmama Sun 24-Aug-08 23:20:58

did not want to leave this unresponded to, but not sure what you want. I guess the following leapt in to my mind as I read your post
how do you feel about their relationship, do you spend equal time with both of them
poor ds2

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:21:06

i am deeply deeply upset by this.

I don't know what to do.

ds1 treats his younger brother abysmally.

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:22:12

well obviously if I take ds1 to a chess tournament then I don't spend the time with ds2 but I make up for it with lots of extra attention when I get back.

I am so upset with ds1.

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:22:41

he doesn't even CARE that his brother is so hurt by him.

Am I raising a psychopath?

sad

sushistar Sun 24-Aug-08 23:23:15

My sister and I used to say horrible things to each other, but loved each other (and still do) deeply. I think sometimes maybe children just feel things so strongly, it makes them say things an adult would never say - it doesn't mean that's how it is, just how ds2 felt right then...

AvenaLife Sun 24-Aug-08 23:23:19

It sounds like a normal disfunctional brotherly conversation.

Could they do some bonding? Paint balling/quasar/bowling?

BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 24-Aug-08 23:23:53

sad

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:24:56

there are 4 years between them. ds2 has always looked up to ds1. ds1 has always just been annoyed by him sad

scottishmummy Sun 24-Aug-08 23:25:15

sounds like regular sibling sniping.dont be worrying psychopathic yet.rivalry and proximity are potent

Mamazon Sun 24-Aug-08 23:25:36

Could you sit down with DS1 and talk to him abuot what was said.

Do you think that Ds1 may have taken on board what his brother had said?

I would certainly advise some joint activities. something they can work on together like model building would be good.

Also i think you do need to speak with DS2 and explain that there is an age difference between hi and his brother that means that he will like doing activities alone. it doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy his time with him but that he likes doing things seperately too.....is there a hobby Ds2 could take up too?

AvenaLife Sun 24-Aug-08 23:26:24

My sister's 5 years older. She used to put dairylea in my hair. Bitch. They do change as they get older. They need to find some common ground though.

Tortington Sun 24-Aug-08 23:26:45

nah siblings are like this. they love each other to pieces an hate each other too

its the way it is

i dint unersta that for a v. long time as i am an only child

3andnomore Sun 24-Aug-08 23:27:16

Kerry know where you are coming from...my es and ms have a real weird relationship.....es is so nasty to him...and it is really upsetting.....and he isn't bothered how much he upsets ms.
Worst of it is, that es loves ys and oten lays the two of them up against eachother....
es is 6 1/2 years older than ms and 8 years older then ys....so, obviously socially much more aware....
I hope that it will all work out in the end, tbh....but it is difficult

Thinkstoomuch Sun 24-Aug-08 23:28:02

Kids can be really cruel. You say he doesn't care, but have you ever had a 'grown up' to grown up type chat with him about it, maybe to give him a sense of pride in his older brotherly duties?

gagarin Sun 24-Aug-08 23:29:00

"lots of extra attention when I get back."

Is there a chance that ds1 thinks you only want to be with him when he's winning/playing chess? Rather than to be with him cos he's a fun person?

And that he sees you give extra attention to ds2 when you get back from chess stuff which rather underlines that interpretation - so ds1 is actually jealous of ds2?

Just a thought - no criticism intended.

How about switching things around a little and heap praise on both boys based on who they are not what they do or their achievements?

So ds1 gets told he's a great kid; kind; nice; fun to be with; good for a laugh etc etc

And so does ds2. In equal measures.

Good luck - it sounds a little tense for you all at the moment

EustaciaVye Sun 24-Aug-08 23:29:02

How old are they?

I imagine neither is happy with the relationship they have. Ask them each what kind of relationship they would like to have with their brother and see if you can jointly come up with a strategy to change things?

gothicmama Sun 24-Aug-08 23:29:09

joint activity would be good but initially would need to be carefully planned /supervised. DS1 needs to be told it is not good to call his brother names adn ds 2 that no-one has a right to call him names, try and find ds2 an activity he can be enjoy on his own with you

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:30:34

ds1 sees nothing wrong with this. he says horrible things to ds2. I punish him. I talk to him. I even threaten him with exile to his father's if he isn't nicer and he just doesn't change.

I have tried a nice, "adult" chat about helping me look after his younger brother. I in in bits. ds2 is so lovely and sweet and I don't want him feeling like that.

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:32:16

when I try to do activities with them both they just end up fighting all the time. ds1 always wants to be the "boss" and have things his way. I make them take turns being the "boss" or having it their way. Ffs even a game of snakes and ladders is a battle field.

gothicmama Sun 24-Aug-08 23:33:47

have you asked ds1 why he says these things, he may have some reason if not then he may realise it is unreasonable of him

Aitch Sun 24-Aug-08 23:34:05

what happened with the bedroom situation you had, KM? how was that resolved in the end?

KerryMum Sun 24-Aug-08 23:34:19

they are almost 6 and almost 10.

I have talked to ds2 about what activities he would like to start this year.

He says he doesn't want to do anything. He says he wants to go to chess tournaments but I can't afford the expense to take both and ds1 is only able to go because of sponsorship money. Even then things are very very tight.

I have asked ds1 to spend time with ds2 showing him how to play chess. It always erupts in a fight

sad

gagarin Sun 24-Aug-08 23:36:06

"I even threaten him with exile" (about ds1)

"ds2 is so lovely and sweet"

Ds1 knows what you think of them both. If he's clever enough to play chess he knows.

I don't know what to suggest - except to say that I think ds1 is lashing out at his brother as he may see him as your "favorite".

However unreasonable this is in your eyes it is still how he may feel and that is a nasty feeling to carry round with you.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 24-Aug-08 23:36:58

Hasnt DS1 with his genious streak always come first?

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