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Is there something 'wrong' with my DS#2?

(16 Posts)
OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 13:15:48

He's 5. He's a beautiful child and everyone falls in love with him. He's bright, funny, 'off-beam' as DB calls it, and so energetic.

BUT he reduces me to tears sometimes. With sheer frustration and exhaustion. He will not take no for an answer, he is the most stubborn human being I have ever met and won't give in. For example yesterday we were all my parents house - I'd been running around with my DCs and DB's children all morning and had collapsed in a chair to watch the Olympics for a bit. DS#2 wanted me to come and talk to him through the window - he was trying to throw a paper plane through the window to me. There was no way he would be able to do it and I wanted to sit down for 5 mins. I said no and DS#2 kept on and on - DB shut the window so I couldn't hear him. Ten mins later he was still calling me and would have carried on endlessly. That sort of thing happens all the time. It feels like he is draining all my energy all the time. He never switches off. Even if I get cross with him, he puts his hands over his ears and then keeps on asking/arguing. DH has come near to smacking him in the past and for DH to do that is quite incredible. When I burst into tears the other day when I ws simply worn to a frazzle and he wouldn't go to sleep - he just looked at me curiously and asked what I was doing.

It has only just occurred to me in the last week or so that it's him that is wearing me out - not the others, not the job, not looking after the house. He's relentless.

It's so very odd. My others are tiring/infuriating in the the normal run-of-the-mill way.

meandmyjoe Fri 22-Aug-08 13:23:17

Might sound like an odd question but what star sign is he?? I know lots of people don't believe in all that but my brother is a taurus (notoriously stubborn) and was exactly like this as a child. He ised to come to the window and pester, pester, pester my mum to help him to clean out HIS rabbit, even when he was about 12. He just kept on and on and on, for hours until my mum eventually sent either me or my sister out to help him. He was like that with everything, even at school, he would never take no for an answer. He wasn't naughty or a trouble causer but he was ALWAYS RIGHT in his mind.

My mum ended up just ignoring him after she'd said no once and left him to it. He would always end up in tears but would eventually give up. He was such a good baby, so placid but God, once he got talking did he make up for it!?!

I don't think there's anything wrong with him, just strong minded and knows how to manipulate you! My brother was exactly the same. gggrrrrrr

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 13:25:36

I don't know meandmyjoe - his birthday is 22nd Feb.

Yep DS#2 was an angelic easy-going baby too.

Romy7 Fri 22-Aug-08 13:27:42

he's a 5 year old boy, so most of that sounds pretty normal tbh. is he going into year 1? how has he settled at school with sitting and concentrating etc? they are usually fairly good at picking up abnormal levels of activity etc. if it helps, my 6 yo ds drives me up the wall and is far harder work than dd2 who is 4 and disabled. go figure!
buy a trampoline. grin

Romy7 Fri 22-Aug-08 13:28:48

ds is the most stubborn child. but he's been like that since 11 weeks, so not an easy baby at all!

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 13:29:58

Oh we have one of those romy smile

He's settled well in school - not acheiving a great deal academically yet - bit socially he's doing fine.

lemur Fri 22-Aug-08 13:33:36

I have just discoved this idea from attachment parenting gurus the Sears about "high-need" children. Nothing wrong with such kids, exactly the opposite, they are getting more done in their little lives than everyone else around them, by sheer persistence and force of personality. I have a two and a half year old DD, who is as "full on","high maintenance" "alpha", whatever you want to call it - there is nothing amiss with her - the opposite is the problem - she is so tuned in the whole time that we are completely exhausted by her. I read the first pages of the "The Fussy Baby Book - Parenting your high need child from birth to five" by the Sears, who were writing about their fourth child who, after three easy children, was completely beyond them. It could have been my DD that they were writing about, and I nearly cried - finally something I am reading is saying that there are actually kids who are simply "high -need" - they are not easy, relaxed, they do not sit still or ever give you space, they need more than most kids. To me, it has been a great relief to read this book. I am not into attachment parenting, but understanding that what I do can often inflame DD's behaviour, rather than calm it, is teaching me a lot. I have only just got to the 2 year old bit, and it is aimed at babies, but DD has been the same person since she was born, and I wish I had had it when she was born.
Maybe, and I don't know enough about your DS, but may be he is just different - "high need" - all fine, all well - but just needs more from you than your other kids. Like DD does from us (and she is our only one - we are petrified as I am pregnant again and we cannot do two of her!!!).
Its such an interesting book - it says things like these kids need two parents/adults because they are so exhausting. Perhaps it is worth trying to think through some of the ideas they have - that it is not him or you, it is your relationship - he is really needy, and you are exhausted, and need help to find ways to make it a happy relationship, not one where you resent him. I have literally only just started reading this book, and the end might turn out to be rubbish, but it has some really interesting insights.
Good luck.

meandmyjoe Fri 22-Aug-08 13:36:14

Umm he's a pisces, maybe there is no truth in the star sign thing then! Although pisces are very easily hurt so he will be more upset than most when he isn't getting his own way so may fuel him to carry on asking.

I know it can be wearing. My mum would be losing the plot with him as a child. He was so so so stubborn, everything was a competition to him and he NEVER EVER gave in. He just asked and asked and asked. Me and my sister would maybe ask a couple of times and be told no so we'd either get bored or take no for an answer, but not my brother, he would ask the same question for hours. It wore us all out actually, even we as kids were bored of him pestering all the time!

i think it's just some people's personality, he obviously just knows what he wants and is a strong willed ittle boy. Try and be consistant, if you start off by saying no, stick to it. Even if he asks for hours and cries, he'll learn after a few times that no meand no. The more you give into him aftr he's pestered for an hour, the more likely he is to pester for 2 hours and so on. It'll be hard for the first few weeks but it should get easier.

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 13:38:43

Interesting. I'll have a look. I don't 'do' parenting books but I am desperate! grin

He tends to get more from me than the others by default. And they don't like it that much hmm

Thanks everyone. He's out with my parents, my DB and his family and DS#1 and DD. So I'm getting a bit of peace. He's frazzling my parents instead.

meandmyjoe Fri 22-Aug-08 13:39:27

I think dr sears has a lot of interesting points to make. It doesn't always follow through though as my sister was an extremely high needs baby but a really easy, good child. My brother was the oposite!

lemur Fri 22-Aug-08 13:46:08


I don't do parenting books either - DD is too demanding to have the time. I am desperate too, which is how I ended up reading it. Agree with meandmyjoe that any child can probably be high need at different stages in its life, and may be that makes it harder to see. I am not a convert - I am just trying to break the cycle of feeling fed up about DD's superspeed behaviour before number 2 comes along.

Good luck with DS2. One of the best thing that book says is most other people don't understand and think either you are doing something wrong, or there is something wrong with him. And their advice is great - don't talk about it to people who cannot understand. It has really stopped me trying to justify why DD is so clearly in charge at our house!

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 14:00:33

That last paragraph really rings true lemur! I'm lucky that he wasn't the first child in this family. I think he'd also have been the last

lemur Fri 22-Aug-08 15:27:36

Good luck with your wonderful DS. I know how much I value DD's uniqueness when I have the energy to appreciate it and marvel at it.

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 16:16:34

Thankyou lemur. I shall remember that word when he's being ermm... troubling. Not being arsy, just unique grin

OrmIrian Fri 22-Aug-08 21:47:16

Oh bugger! Have just got everyone to bed by the simple expedient of shouting at everyone, becuase DS#2 was being his usual self. I need that book! sad

lemur Fri 22-Aug-08 21:56:49

Know the feeling. Getting out of the house this morning to nursery/work was a similar experience and there was a "bathroom moment" this evening when DD did not get to open the toothpaste... rather dangerous considering the very hard floor.

You can get the book on Amazon, put in the whole title, they wrote another book called just "the fussy baby".

Think what you say about other kids getting a worse-than-you'd-like deal because of DS2 must be really hard, but in all families some kids are higher, and some are lower effort. That is just the way it is (at least, that is what i am hoping with no.2 on the way). Certainly was in my childhood of five kids.

Tomorrow is another day...

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