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Ok. A thought from my other thread. Which would you prefer. An opinionated child who knows their own mind and questions everything or one that accepts everything they are told without question?

(110 Posts)
AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 11:45:52

I'd like to know how children that question everything are viewed please. ds is like this, I'm trying to stop this but after my last thread I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Is it such a problem or am I making it a problem?

TIA smile

edam Sun 17-Aug-08 11:47:53

An opinionated child with good manners.

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 11:49:01

Lol! He's got lovely manners, 99% of the time. He gets pulled up on the 1% so doesn't get away with it.

BreeVanderCampLGJ Sun 17-Aug-08 11:49:18

An opinionated child with good manners, who knows when you are tired and does what they are told. grin

Hecate Sun 17-Aug-08 11:50:46

a mix of the 2. too far one way and what you have is actually a brat. Too far the other way and it's flipping creepy. There is a middle ground.

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 11:50:47

Ahh, he does as he's told but with questions.

BroccoliSpears Sun 17-Aug-08 11:55:34

It's a loaded question. Would you prefer a bright, sparky little button or a doughy puddin'? No one is going to look at their little angel and think "ahh me, I'm so happy she's an unimaginative, bovine child", EVERYONE thinks their own child is full of it, in to everything, bright, full of fun and life and zip.

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 17-Aug-08 12:00:37

What a horribly loaded question!

I'll stick my neck out and say that living with a child who never stops arguing, questioning, and " asserting their independence" is a freaking nightmare sometimes, so I'll take a little docility if it's being offered. I have friends with docile children. It must be lovely - of course, docility is seen as such a bad thing that nobody will actually admit that the naughtiest thing their 6 year old ever did was say 'no' a few times before doing as he/she was told.

Remember, 'docile' could be seen as code for 'well behaved'.....

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:01:34

Lol! Why's it not acceptable at schools? To be full of life, a clown when appropriate and not accepting of things that are not right. Why's it not acceptable for a child to say "what about this?" to a teacher without being told to shut up? I'm trying to mould him so he fits in and conforms but there's a limit as to my magical powers. I'm not convinced now that I'm doing the right thing. Maybe he'll find his own way. Hmm.

To conform or not to conform, that is the question?

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:05:54

I see all these nicce quiet children when I take ds out, he's never like this. Is this what society wants? A quiet child that doesn't ask too many questions and does as they are told without question?

ds is always "asserting his independence",he's compliant but needs reasons as to everything and will asserthimself if he thinks something is unjust or wrong. Is it better to stop fighting it and get him to change to fit in or let him learn this himself?

ThatBigGermanPrison Sun 17-Aug-08 12:08:45

It's pretty pointless fighting it, I just try to not let it get to the point where it's pissing people off.

Because bright sparky witty clowning interactive questioning children are (mostly) great for the parents, but if you aren't a parent, or that child's parent, a well behaved docile child who can be told to sit down and be quiet and does so is a lot easier to deal with, and therefore preferable.

sarah293 Sun 17-Aug-08 12:11:28

Message withdrawn

BroccoliSpears Sun 17-Aug-08 12:14:37

These "nice quiet children" you see when you're out - they probably aren't nice and quiet by accident; their parents have probably put an awful lot of time and effort into teaching them how to behave in a polite, considerate, well mannered way. They are also probably having a good day.

I strongly dislike the implication that a well behaved child child is somehow lacking in imagination or spark.

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:18:20

I'm sure he'll fit in at the new school because they encourage questioning and discussion. He is very considerate. He just likes to know why people do things etc. He has boundaries which I try to make consistant but I don't know whether I'm asking the impossible. I don't want to have a discussion with him every time I ask him to get dressed or ask him to do something. He is compliant but the frustration is there in his face.

I'm curious as to what society prefers. Whether trying to get him to conform and not question everything he or other people do is the right thing.

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:20:39

blush I'm sorry Broccoli, I didn't mean to imply that quiet children lacked imagination or spark. I'm really sorry. sad

BroccoliSpears Sun 17-Aug-08 12:24:16

Avena - "society" doesn't prefer one thing or the other - as many posters have said there is a middle ground.

I understand your frustration as I frequently question myself, and wonder if I am getting it right with my own daughter - I don't want to quash her spirit and lust for life, but neither do I want her to be an irritating loudmouth who alienates people by never considering other factors than herself and her own feelings. It's hard. As a parent you have to draw the line somewhere within the grey area - somewhere that is right for you, right for your family and right for that specific child. Society is then made up of everyone else who is drawing that line for themselves and their children.

BroccoliSpears Sun 17-Aug-08 12:25:23

Don't worry - you didn't offend me personally as my own child is anything but well behaved blush grin. It's something I'm working on...

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:26:58

Thankyou smile.

christywhisty Sun 17-Aug-08 12:31:02

I have a quiet child(in school) whose behaviour in school is excellent, BUT he asks lots of of questions in and gives his opinion in class. He's an abstract thinker so the teachers love his different ideas.
At home he is often full on asking questions incessantly (as does his sister) and they are hard work at home but at school they know how to reign it in. My DD's teachers say the same thing about her, that she loves to learn and they use her to bounce off of to liven up a discussion and get the class going, apparently the other children often use her ideas. She has a tendancy to talk too much in class, but that is her worst behaviour at school.
DS does have a big sense of injustice, but is learning. I had problems in the past trying to make him say sorry. He won't say it if he doesn't feel he means it, but now once he calms down, he will go and apologise.
I think you do a huge sense of disservice to well behaved children in assuming that don't have their own original ideas and are not bright and sparky and from a previous post you said children like this are zombies.
As I said they are hard work at home

ConstanceWearing Sun 17-Aug-08 12:34:00

Non conformists - but in the way of independent thinkers, not obnoxious little herberts.

There would be no art or genius without independent thinking.

Tortington Sun 17-Aug-08 12:34:17

i like children who are not seen and not heard and do as they are told

'opinionated' is the mother of spoiled little shits validating their god awful behaviour

AvenaLife Sun 17-Aug-08 12:37:22

I'm sorry christy. It was very thoughtless of me to say this. I didn't intend it to sound this way but it obviously does. I am thoroughly ashamed.

ds isn't badly behaved, he's not as thoughtless as me.

ConstanceWearing Sun 17-Aug-08 12:38:34

Where do you get children like that Custy? grin

MmeLindt Sun 17-Aug-08 12:38:50

I would like a quiet child who makes no mess and lets me MN all day. I would like a child who never answers back and never questions my decisions. In theory.

In practice, I love it when my DD asks me questions that make me stop and think. She makes me laugh when she says that she sometimes talks to the sun.

Yes, she is more work and sometimes I would like to tell her to shut up but she is funny and sweet and madly infuriating all at once.

DS is quieter and I love him for his sedate way of dealing with things, without DD's drama.

I guess at the end of the day, you try to bring up your children as well as you can, regardless if they are zany or rather zen.

pagwatch Sun 17-Aug-08 12:39:39

tbh i think it is too difficult to define as there is a way with these things.
I have a very bright boy and had all the questions when he was younger. I have a friend whose son is similar and is also a bit on the spectrum and he can e tiring but is so enthusaistic and sweet it is fine.
I also have a friend however whos daughter constantly questions and challenges and is pretty rude about it. She is incredibly difficult to be around as not only is it tiring but her attitude appears so superior.
Her parents endlessly make a big deal about her being so bright so they unintentionally encourage her to be endlessly know it all.
She is just hitting 7 and i hate the fact that she irritaes me as i know it is not her fault.
I have connections with ASD and i love kids but she even pushes me pretty hard.

I think there is a world of difference between a child who is bright and sparky, a child who is deeply bright and has social difficulties as a result and a bright child who is so encouraged to be seen as bright that they become a smart arse and difficult to be around

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