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worried about impact my rship will have on ds 5

(11 Posts)
Jobean Tue 12-Aug-08 10:27:02

in our house, my husband rules, ds 5 loves his dad v much but (isn't there always) dh is great until something goes wrong and when he goes off on one he rants and rages, sometimes name calling. He can fly of the handle about such trivial things, like yesterday I was ten mins late picking him up and he walked rather than wait, he starts if we take to long getting ready to go out or the tea is running late. He is a bloody control freak and so i tie myself in knots trying to make sure nothing starts him off and it is getting me down.

I have always stayed, tried my best not to argue back because i didn't want to split our family up and the good times outweighed the bad. All couples have their ups and downs etc. But lately my dh has become increasingly controlling and bad tempered, he has no control over his tongue when he rants and raves and I worry about the effect this will have on my son.

If we were to cplit up, is it too late to demonstrate to my son happy behaviour and also the split could also have an adverse effect so what do I do for the best? i worry he will turn out to be a carbon copy of his Dad and it'll be all my fault for trying to keep the family together instead of leaving him during ds formative years.

The weight of the guilt is weighing heavy and I really need some advice.

ThatBigGermanPrison Tue 12-Aug-08 10:30:17

I would firstly try Relate if your husband will go. If your husband won't go, or it doesn't work, I would leave him.

As an aside, have you tried just really fucking losing it with him? Pick a day when your ds isn't there, obviously, try to get him to go for tea at a mates, but then if your husband starts, just unleash the resentment.

Because really, why should you bite your tongue? All it does is give him the impression that you are content to be spoken to like a dog.

ThatBigGermanPrison Tue 12-Aug-08 10:30:42

It's not, by the way, too late.

FAQ Tue 12-Aug-08 10:32:32

I agree with what TMGP says

Jobean Tue 12-Aug-08 10:43:52

Thank God, and yes when ds is not around I have lost it big time, but then he uses that against me because I do have a temper and when I blow, I blow and so I try to keep a lid on it when ds is around because i don't want to let myself down in front of him.

DH is so arrogant he really thinks that it is me that has the problem. I do appreciate couples will argue but to be honest I am quite a content person when we row 99% of the time he starts it with his put downs and nit picking.

I think he is deeply unhappy in the relationship and it comes out in this way so why won't he just leave. Instead he seems to pick on and bully me. I am tired of walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation can't he just accept things sometimes don't go right and deal with it - it seems not.

I do honestly think I would be happier without him and as long as ds has access to his dad, I think we could do this break up without upsetting ds too much. surely this would be better than seeing his dad ranting and raving at his mum? I would try a separation but I don't think he will change, he is right and that is that and until he recongises he has a problem (which he is too arrogant to do) there isn't much hope for us. He has said too many hurtful things and has steadily worn me down so that I think it would be very hard to get back what we had I am not sure I even love him anymore.

ThatBigGermanPrison Tue 12-Aug-08 10:45:45

It's not worth staying your life with a man you don't like in the vague hope that it will be better for your son. I think your son would benefit from a calmer atmosphere. He will kick off at first but he will settle down, more so than he is now.

Jobean Tue 12-Aug-08 10:47:23

Yep I think its time for the heave-ho ........

FAQ Tue 12-Aug-08 10:51:00

FWIW I'm still waiting for my DS's (7,4 and 14 months now) to kick off after H moved out in the middle of march.

We're all much happier!

FAQ Tue 12-Aug-08 10:51:04

FWIW I'm still waiting for my DS's (7,4 and 14 months now) to kick off after H moved out in the middle of march.

We're all much happier!

charliecat Tue 12-Aug-08 11:06:30

I stayed for a long time for the sake of the kids, the atmosphere in my house is like a secret garden now instead of a not very nice place to be. We are all happier.

Before you do split up, lay it on the table that you arent going to put up with it anymore and if it hasnt got better in X amount of time then its over.

Saying that, I said that and followed through and xp still didnt get it till it was too late.

ThatBigGermanPrison Tue 12-Aug-08 12:13:51

No, my ex had a dick fit months later and said he never really expected me to stick to my guns. When I asked him if he would put up with being ignored, financially abused, sworn at and occasionally hit, he said no.

Why the fuck did he think I would?hmm

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