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reaching end of my tether - do all one year old whine whine whine??

(17 Posts)
bumbly Sun 10-Aug-08 13:20:36

really not enjoying being a parent and for last month have hated virtually every day

am stuck at home all morning for lo to nap and spend all my day sorting his life around and then buying things for him to make his life best i cna make

afternoons always try and do something for lo to enjoy himself although cap wetaher hasn't helped

all i get is ignring me but also now all he does is whine and whine and whine if doesn't get his way

i used to be out doing sport 4-5 nights a week and my social life has now also gone to nil and too tired in eves to do anything but eat at 8 pm and then go to bed - only to woken up

they said it gets easier at 6 weeks it didn't it only started getting less of a nightmare later near one from actually being hell..so not much change

and they then siad it gets better after one

all is see is a baby that whines and whines and whines and complains about everything no matter what i do!

am actually strating to resent littl eone and thta is worrying me...but this whining does NOT help!

Dynamicnanny Sun 10-Aug-08 13:51:33

What's is routine like ? Yousay he naps in the morning but what does the rest of the day look like?

babyinbelly Sun 10-Aug-08 15:09:45

Hang in there. It does get better eventually. My DS1 used to whine all the time. You have to make sure that you do not pay attention to whining. If you ignore the whining and only pay attention when he is being calm then he will soon learn that whining doesn't get you anywhere. It can be really hard to ignore and initially the whining will turn into screaming and tantrums in my experience but if you persist then you will be rewarded with a child who rarely whines!!!

Trust me. Constant 'uh uh uh' used to drive me mad!

bumbly Sun 10-Aug-08 18:47:48

thanks belly for that - truly!

sarah293 Sun 10-Aug-08 18:50:51

Message withdrawn

onwardandupward Sun 10-Aug-08 19:01:30

The quicker and more sensitively you respond to your child's needs, the less they will need to whine. If you can stay calm, responsive and gentle, you'll be modelling that as the ideal way to behave, and your child will pick it up.

You have a small child dependent on you, pretty much 24/7. That's parenthood. If you feel the need to get out and do some sports, then find yourself a babysitter who you trust and who your little one likes. Or find some sports you can do and take the little one along (I saw a man jogging today, at great speed, with one of those all terrain buggies and a one year old inside just whooping with delight!). And build a social life around your child - toddler groups or mother and baby groups to find other mums you like and who you can start hanging out with.

It's not a worse life, being a mum, it's just a different life.

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy Sun 10-Aug-08 19:07:40

Oh God, whiners - bless them, they can be adorable and I've no doubt you love your ds deeply and he's the centre of your world but......he's not being very rewarding at the moment by the sounds of it. You have my every sympathy. Some babies have the default setting of 'grizzle.'

ime learning to walk and talk help a LOT.
As do getting out twice a day and a good night's sleep for both of you.
And I think you should start going ot the gym again a couple of times a week.
Once he can talk you can bribe encourage him not to whine, and pretend you can't hear his whiney voice, only his big boy voice.

Agree with bib that he's at an age when ignoring the whining and praising non whining will start to have an effect, but distraction is your best bet here, I think.

Here's your mantra:

He won't whine forever.
This too shall pass.
It's a phase.
It's a phase.
It's a phase.
It's a phase.

meandmyjoe Sun 10-Aug-08 19:24:22

I have had a similar experience as you bumbly, we have spoken on previous threads and my ds has just turned 1 too. Everything you have said I can relate to (apart from my social life has always been shit so i don't miss that!).

Everyone told me that things got easier by 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months, then 9 months. The thing is Bumbly, noone else knows your baby and noone can predict the future so NOONE can tell you when and how it will get better. Yes he will grow out of the whining and crying, of course he won't be like this when he's 18!

The truth is that we just have a different sort of baby to most others. It's not necceserally a bad thing, my ds is amazing in some areas (sleeping at night and at last has nice loooonnng naps twice a day) but in others he is still a total turd! He whinges when I dress him, whinges to get out of his push chair/ car seat. He is very lingy when out and about and still seems to get overtired and over stimulated quickly. However, things have improved very slowly, just not in the dramatic way people said and not to anyone elses time scale. He has changes gradually and is calming down very slowly. As he matures, I am seeing glimpses of a charming, funny, intellegent, wonderful child who I adore.

I know he causes you days of worry and endless whinging does grind you down but he just has a strong personality. In the long run, it will be a good thing, he is probably just clever and gets peed off as he can't communicate his wishes. Everytime my ds winds me up with incessant tantrumming and whinging I just remind myself that he won't be a baby forever and I really need to do my best to respond to him now and it will pay off in the future. Your boy will be a loved, well balanced, confident child soon that will fill you with amazement and pride and every day that goes by, we get closer to that. Stay strong, it will get better. x

bumbly Sun 10-Aug-08 20:19:16

joe - you have really made me feel a bit better tongiht

hugs to you!

what amazing words - i really appreciate it and can't write as well as you so i hope you realise how nice and helpful youy have been!

FattipuffsandThinnifers Sun 10-Aug-08 20:50:11

Bumbly - so sorry you're feeling like this. I remember you posting a few weeks ago pissed off your DS seemed to be ignoring you. As Meandmyjoe said, I just think it's really unpredictable what kind of baby you're going to get - some seem to be soooo placid, easy-going and happy, and some the opposite. But I totally believe they will not be like that for ever and I bet your DS will suddenly seem to change to a really interesting, lovely, charming boy who you'll love being with. My DS, now 15 months, has been quite a handful, but is definitely getting much more fun as he can do more things. Perhaps your DS will be less whingey when he can walk, talk etc - his whining might be frustration? It's a really hard age, especially when the weather's crap and you can't be outside, and they're too little for big playgrounds etc.

Also, nothing really prepares you for the full-on-ness of being a parent, such a major change of life, and nothing like bloody pampers adverts (all sunny days and smiley gurgling babies). The biggest shock to me was that I'd basically have to put someone else first! To some people it comes naturally, or they have easy babies who just fit round their lives, but to others (like me!) made me resent not having my 'normal' life for a while. But it has got much better the older he's got and is more fun, interactive, and communicative, so he becomes more of a companion iyswim. Hang in there - and don't feel bad about feeling bad!

LIZS Mon 11-Aug-08 08:11:45

there as another poster whose ds is similar age and she is feeling down about , perhaps it is worth joining each others' threads fro mutual support ? here. No two are the same but it might help put perspective on your lo's behaviour and needs. Can you join a regular physical activity group like swimming so you are tiring him out and getting some socialising yourself - I found the discipline of having signed up forced me out when I'd perhaps otherwise have not gone.

By the sounds of it part of your issue is the general life change of having had a baby, so if you can reclaim it in some shape or form it might help - can you use a creche at sports centre or Surestart to get a break and do something for yourself during the day. Can dh take over one evening a week for you to get out regularly. Eat early with your ds that day so you are able to go out as soon as he returns and not be late back. He must sense how down you are and might be willing if it helps relieve your stress.

meandmyjoe Mon 11-Aug-08 10:49:24

Hope you are feeling better today and that lo isn't whinging too much! My ds was lovely until after his morning nap, he has complained aver since, perhaps he didn't get enough sleep last night as he was up at 5am sad.

On my own today as dh is at work 12 hours til 7pm tonight, I fear it will be a LONG day!

Just wanted to say that I'm glad I helped a little bit and just to let you know that this stage really will end (as you already know!) It just feels like it lasts forever.

Try and concentrate on the things your ds is good at for example, is he a good sleeper? Good eater? Good at sorting shapes?????! Anything that makes you appreciate that he is good in some areas will help you get through. I have to remind myself that ds is a good sleeper and very clever when he is crying to come out of his push chair and I am dying of embarrassment and wishing he was like everyone elses baby! Focusing on the positives will help.

Also remember that all babies/ toddlers go through difficult stages (although I know ours have been like it since birth!) and they are all difficult in certain areas of their life. Try and think of the things where he isn't difficult and hold on to them!

I was reminded of how lucky I was when my nextdoor neighbour was looking after her 16 week old grandson and I heard him screaming and her singing/ rocking him for over and hour just to get him to sleep. I felt lucky that at that age my ds was settling himself and sleeping from 7:30pm til 7am, little things like that make me realise that he isn't a total little shit!

Hugs x

Babyisaac Mon 11-Aug-08 20:19:53

Bumbly

My DS is 7 months and has been a nightmare whinger/screamer since birth. We've gone through every possible theory as to why he's like this and then found out that such babies are called "high-needs babies" - a title coined by Dr Sears (www.askdrsears.com). They are incredibly high maintenance babies/toddlers but they DO change eventually if given the right support when growing up. It is so very very hard and can be extremely unrewarding when the moaning and crying is constant but remember it is nothing you're doing wrong and it is just a phase that your LO will grow out of.

Meandmyjoe is brilliant. She has given me lots of advice and support as her DS sounds like mine is but hers is growing out of the whingey behaviour which gives me hope! She is right in what she says - concentrate on the positives, try not to look at the big picture. You will always find SOME positives to concentrate on.

Just focus on getting through each day, not the fact that it's been going on for so long. One day you'll look back and think, "Wow, we've had a really good week!". A good week will turn into a good month and before long you'll see a huge change. This is me feeling hopeful - I haven't got there yet with mine - he's still a nightmare!, but he's a lot better than he was and I am getting through it despite months of hell!

Chin up - he won't be like this when he's a teenager! wink

meandmyjoe Tue 12-Aug-08 09:05:06

Hiya Isaac! Thanks for the kind comments, how's things going lately?

Bumbly, just sending you big hugs and hoping your ds is not whining too much! As babyisaac said, my ds is deffinitely improving daily (except for when he's teething, groan) but I am deffinitely seeing changes in him. Things will improve!

x

Babyisaac Tue 12-Aug-08 14:20:34

Hi MAMJ!

I'm afraid DS is whining more than ever sad. I've started to dread mealtimes - he screams before, during and after even though I know he actually enjoys the food. May have to just try BLW - we're not getting anywhere with this. If anything, he's getting worse at the moment - the last couple of times I've taken him to baby yoga he's screamed most of the class and I remember there being a time when I took him and he was calm. Also, his daytime naps seem to be getting shorter - sometimes only 20 minutes and then he's beside himself with tiredness only an hour later.

I hate to say it again but he's a nightmare. I spend a lot of time putting him in his cot or buggy to just scream for a bit. When I don't know what he wants and I've exhausted all options, it's the only thing I can do for sanity. If I pick him up he just clings to my neck and screams in my face. I honestly don't know what he wants most of the time. He surely can't enjoy screaming. The sad thing is that I'm actually getting so used to the noise now that I can tune out of it and get on with other things. This is when I've exhausted all other options - picking him up doesn't always work.

Sorry, it all sounds a bit depressing but he's been particularly awful today. I think I've only had half an hour of silence so far. So so soul-destroying but I've only 5 weeks left before I go back to work and he is getting older by the day, which means eventually he will improve, won't he?!!

x

meandmyjoe Tue 12-Aug-08 20:19:32

Oh dear sprry to hear things aren't going too well babyisaac, just to let you know I have emailed you! I do know exactly what you are going through. I remember not so ,ong ago, Joe would scream the moment I put him in his highchair, cry as the spoon came towards him, open his mouth, eat it then cry again. It was awful! I had to give up on the spoon feeding thing for a while and just let him feed himself finger foods which at leat entertained him a bit so I got a few minutes peace. He didn't eat much to begin with but eventually he got the hang of it and now he can feed himself with a spoon so it's getting easier all the time. He makes a bloody mess but who cares? He eats a varied, balanced diet of finger foods and hommade meals and enjoys mealtimes which is such a contrast to sbout 4 months ago. I think a lot of it is probably frustration as my ds just wanted to feed himself and was far too independant to have me spoon it in! He was always grabbing and batting the spoon which I thought was him rejecting the food but actually he wanted to hold the spoon to do it himself but obviously didn't have the coordination to do it so screamed instead hmm.

I read your last post to dh and I swear, we could have written the same thing about Joseph a few months ago (in fact, I'm sure I did!). His naps were hellish, we had to rock him with music or with the extractor fan on and even then he would scream and wriggle, arch his back and sob til he finally passed out in our arms. Any attempt at him settling in his cot were just hopeless. I know what you mean about drowning it out though, it's only now when I realise how much crying he actually did and I can see the massive changes in our lives.

Me and dh actually laugh about all the times when Joseph screamed himself to sleep in our arms or we had to pace the house with him just to keep him on the move as he wouldn't let us sit down with him. We had him checked for reflux and allergies as I seriously thought he was ill as he cried so much. He was fine so I then convinced myself he must be mentally ill blush. I saw how different he was to everyone elses baby and my friend who had a baby 2 days after me found it all so easy and her baby was so placid. I really thought he had a mental problem. He didn't (as far as I know grin). He was just a high needs, hyperactive, hyper sensitive soul. On a plus side, as a toddler, he is so clever, has a mind like a sponge. I only have to tell him what something is once and ages later I can ask him where it is and he points at it. I really must stop swearing in front of him cos god knows the smut that he will be saying, he takes it all in!

I love the fact that he is so strong willed and determined, now we can channel his energy and concentration, as a baby he just screamed! He is just amazing and everyday I love him more.

A few months ago I would have gladly sold him on ebay! I loved him but I just couldn't please him and it was exactly as you describe, soul destroying, tiring, heart breaking, disappointing and isolating. I felt like a crap mum and really thought I'd been lumbered with the most miserable, horrible child. I was still in tears with him regularly til he was over 9 months old.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for the sort of baby Joseph was but nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming love and amazement I have for my wonderful little boy now. I am so proud of him and we have an amazing bond now (took a long time for it to happen though!).

It will work out, I promise.
x

meandmyjoe Tue 12-Aug-08 20:20:08

Sorry for the typing errors!

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