I don't like Daddy <wail>(18 Posts)
"I don't want Daddy to come home"
"Daddy is scary"
"Shut the door so Daddy can't come in"
Poor dp is the least scary Daddy in the world and he adores her.
Dd (2.3) has always played favourites - sometimes it's me she wants, sometimes it's him - but since arrival of baby bro 3 months ago, she is obviously really missing time with me and I think she's noticed that a melt-down and shrieking declaration of not wanting Daddy always results in me doing whatever is in question.
I don't dismiss her feelings, but I can't agree that he's horrid either, so I just sort of lamely say "do you? Oh dear, well Daddy likes you" or "I like Daddy" etc.
Normally (both pre and post baby) DP would do her bath and bedtime, play with her after work, generally use his evenings and weekends to spend as much time as poss with her and give me a break. Now I'm absolutely shattered because I'm doing all the baby stuff (not that there's much to do with a baby I suppose, but dp can't breastfeed) AND I'm doing everything with dd.
We're trying to up the amount of time dd and I get to do special things, just the two of us.
Would putting our foot down and dismissing the whole notion of not liking Daddy be okay? It's not how we normally do things. This has been going on for a fortnight now and it's starting to show on everyone's nerves. (My instinct is not to do this).
What would you suggest?
I wouldn't dismiss it, no.
you're right that she is having a problem with the new baby coming and taking up a lot of your time, it must be hard on first-borns when a sibling comes along.
she is letting you know this, and doing what she needs to get her needs met.
I would just carry on doing what you are doing and just saying that you liek Daddy, and that Daddy likes her etc etc.
perhaps you can try and pre-empt it a bit though?
ie, when it's getting near time for DP to return home from work just say to her
"ooh, daddy will be home soon, that means he can hold ds while we do X,Y or Z"
I think what you're saying to her, is perfect - daddy likes you, I like daddy etc - spot on.
I don't think you need to dismiss the whole notpion of her not liking him but you CAN dismiss you doing everything because of it. To be honest if this was me I might take the baby out/to mums and have a coffee or something, so that after work when dh comes in, your DD has to cut her coat according to her cloth; if daddy is all that's on offer, she WILL deal with it.
Also at the weekend make sure he takes her out for some time so he has sole charge of her. Yes it's great she has time with you, but I think one of the best ways to get round this issue is to help them face it. Maybe he could take her swimming at the weekend? This was THE key for us when DS was anti- dad.
Actually the idea of looking forward to him coming home to take ds is a good one I think, because dp getting home is her worst time of day at the moment. She used to go racing to the door to greet him, now she hears his key in the door and starts clinging on to me wailing "No Daddy, no Daddy!" Thank you.
Hmmmm... we are turning ourselves inside out trying to give her as much mummy-time as poss. Hadn't thought about giving her some special, fun daddy-time. A good thought.
We get this quite often. I know how hard it is - DS is 10wo and DDs 4 and 2 are doing this right now.
What sometimes works for us is for all of us to play physically together. Eventually this leads to one or both DDs wanting a horsey-back ride or other some-such activity I couldn't do while I was pregnant and then we have 'only daddy's can do that' (which they were used to while I was PG) eventually they give in and ask Daddy to give them a ride. It usually guarantees that the moment DH steps through the door the next evening there a queues for horsey rides and Daddy is back in favour again.
IME dismissing the whole not liking daddy thing doesn't work at all - jut upsets them even more (I think they are just trying to communicate something to you that they can't explain and you are just shutting them off before they get chance to work out what the problem really is IYSWIM)
I think for us it is a case of go with the flow - sometimes I can do things for them, sometimes I can't and they'll have to wait, if they dont want to wait then daddy will do it - sometimes they just don't want to wait.
Hope that makes sense - typing while brain-dead
DD1 was like this with DH between the ages of 1 and 3, he too is a wonderful father and I think it broke his heart to see his PFB so cold towards him. She is now 5 and absolutely loves her daddy to bits. I put it down to insecurity over me, she didn't want anyone to infringe on her time with me (she still is incredibly possessive over me, will ALWAYS chose to stay with me rather than anyone else) and she treated him with disdain as it was the only way she knew how to deal with her feelings.
We didn't go too much into it with her (she was a similar age to your DD) as we thought forcing the issue would only make matters worse. Funnily enough, when I wasn't there, he was the best thing since sliced bread. Children can be complex little individuals can't they?!
daddy time is what did it for my ds. It was very hard handing him over at first, as he did cry for me, and of course it was stressful for DH - you love them so much, and look forward to seeing them all day, then you get rejection and tears! However they just ploughed on through and every weekend they would have some time alone together. It really did work.
took me ages to type (bf my colic-monster) - lots of x-posts...sorry
yep, agree that Daddy time is a good idea as well.
It is really hard watching her reject dp so completely - he's trying to be all grown-up about it and not take it personally, but I know he's finding it difficult. She's been a daddy's girl for so long.
I know she is being a bit 'manipulative' about it (for want of a better word), but am glad the concensus so far isn't to dismiss what she's saying.
I think she is probably scared that the new baby is going to take up all of your time, and that she isn't going to have her mummy like she used to.
so, in a way she is kind of testing you, to make sure you do come to her, and that you do give her what she needs (which right now is your attention)
I really don't think it's a bad thing at all, she is making sure you know what her needs are and she is ensuring they are met.
it is upsetting, but it will pass
Ah, we're going through this with DS (2.8) only he's mapped onto Daddy and since his baby sister arrived a year ago.
My theory is that, as well as the usual gender-mapping that happens around this age, he's struggling to deal with how we all fit together as a family since DD joined us. In the past he was really into Mummy, but the newborn period meant he necessarily got pushed towards his father so I could nurse/carry the baby. It's as though he's since decided that the family alliances are split by sex, so Daddy gets DS and I get DD. He's getting better, but sometime there are whole days when I get told to, "go away, I want my Daddy!"
I agree with HnoriaGlossop. I also have this situation in reverse i.e. dd2.6 loves daddy and doesn't want mummy to do things for her. I insist that if I say ok I'm going to take you for a bath that I take her and DH backs me up saying No. Mummy is doing it tonight because I have to do XYZ. That way she will see that mummy and daddy work together and respect each other and will in turn respect both. Rather than playing one off against the other. It seems to be working for us now. DD went through a phase of saying 'daddy/mummy said no' but now who ever gets told this says 'what did he/she say no for?' When she says who she gets told no by the other parent as well iyswim. This has stopped it almost because it results in a double talking to
We have a split as well because dd1 is daddys girl and dd2 hates him, again, he is trying not to take it so personally but the truth is that because every time the baby is held by him she screams, he has distanced himself from her and takes over dd1 instead. We both lose because dd1 becomes even more for her daddy and dd2 even more against him. I try to create situations were he has to deal with both or where he has the baby while I play with dd1. This is he4lping.
How about taking a circular route to making daddy's arrival something good again?
e.g. Let's call daddy and tell him what a good girl you were today and maybe he will bring home chocolate as a reward
or lets play a trick on Daddy. when he comes home we will jump out and say boo. he will be so surprised!
or I can't find your favourite teddy. Let's ask Daddy to try to find it.
or Daddy is going to feed the ducks. Do you want to go to or stay with mummy and have a little nap?
We have had very similar indeed with DD now just 4, again following arrival of No 2 (18 mths). We spent ages with me trying to up my time with her to not much effect other than exhausting me. We then tried the treats with Daddy, they've been swimming, to the theatre, out for lunch etc and within a couple of weeks Daddy was much better than Mummy for most of the time, so now I'm trying to be grown up about it
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.