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I feel like i am being pressured into potty training my dd by dp's step mother.

(25 Posts)
MsSparkle Thu 31-Jul-08 19:08:38

Today i was at dp's father and step mothers house with my dd. The step mother, who i will call Julie for this thread, has been trying to start potty training my dd for several months but my dd just sits on it with her nappy on and just thinks it's a game. My dd is now 21 months.

I haven't been trying to potty train her because i feel she is not ready. It has been niggling me that Julie has been doing this because i feel it should be me who decides when she is potty trained, not her. Unfortunatly, it's the kind of situation where you can't say anything to Julie because it's awkward.

Today my dd went to her changing bag and got a nappy out to be changed. She hasn't done this before so i think she may be starting to become more ready for the potty. However, this started a conversation off between Julie and her friend who was there about how my dd should be out of nappies now and her daughter was clean by the age of 1 (in the 60s) and dry at night by 18 months. Her friend said how her daughter was clean by 18 months and how she thought 2 and a half was way too late.

Then they said how parents nowadays leave it so late and they used to do it much earlier blah blah blah.

Then Julies friend said to me "Oh you may find your dd might be slower at potty training because she was slow at walking (15 months) and slow at talking."shock I cannot believe she said that! My dd was not slow walking at 15 months and she certainly isn't slow at talking.

My dd is 21 months, she understands everything you say and is saying lots of different words. Julie has been making sly comments about my dd being "slow" at talking and it pisses me off because she is not.

As the pair of them sat there saying all this, i sat there trying to hold back the tears because what they were saying really hurt my feelings. When i got home i just burst into tears about how inadiquate (sp?) i feel. Sorry this so long, i just needed to get it off my chest.

notnowbernard Thu 31-Jul-08 19:13:33

She is mental

Ignore her, totally

reethi96 Thu 31-Jul-08 19:14:31

Tell them that times have moved on a bit since the 60's.

I had this hassle too. Apparantly dh was potty trained when he was 10 months hmm. In my experience the earlier you do it the more hassle it is, lots of accidents etc. I tried to potty train ds when he was 2.4 as I thought he was ready but turns out he wasn't he got really distraught. sad I then tried again when he was 2.9 and it was a breeze by day 3 he was completely dry (daytime) and we have only ever had about 3 accidents!

cyberseraphim Thu 31-Jul-08 19:15:40

Just ignore them, they don't understand that their child was not potty trained at 12 months, only that the mother was draining the child regularly - the child had no independent control. Also they may not really remember if the child was 12 months or 32 months, it's all a blur by that stage. Keep telling them how proud you are of her speech and development. It's hard to turn it all into a joke but why not laugh and say 'Ooh Alzeimers setting in then if you think that happened !'

TheArmadillo Thu 31-Jul-08 19:16:33

sounds exactly like what my mum did.

Ds was not ready and ended up taking longer to train because he was terrified of potty training as a result. Even when she heard paed tell us not to (he was being treated for constipation),

We have just trained him at 3.8.

It really pissed me off. And upset me quite a bit too.

My advice would be to completely ignore the comments and tell her she is NOT to try to potty train your child as it is not her decision and it will only cause the child further confusion.

ThatBigGermanPrison Thu 31-Jul-08 19:18:47

Why don't you say "Hey! Stop being rude! Are you listening to yourselves? You sound like that sketch the Two Ronnies used to do, with the two old women leaning over the fence in their pinnies! She's my child and I'll do it my way, beak out!"

It does take a certain amount of courage, but I find you will NEVER have to sit and fume again. I once told my ExMIL that she could either stop shouting at my son or get out of my house. She never raised her voice to him again. He was 2, FFS!

noonki Thu 31-Jul-08 19:19:51

the average age for potty trainnig has massively increased since the 60's, so they are right on that front BUT-

it is totally up to you when you do it (well and of course your DD)

My mum decided to start trying mine at 19 months and I let her get on with it at her house, he would use a potty and did get dry quite young, but I didn't do it at mine until he was 2.2 - especially as I had a newborn to deal with

as for the talking stuff that is just plain rude

flowerybeanbag Thu 31-Jul-08 19:20:42

I think some situations it's best to ignore, let it wash over you, not say anything to keep the peace.

But I think in a situation where someone else is taking it upon themselves to potty train your child, you must say something. That's not on.

You can be polite, just say something like 'I appreciate that you want to help, but potty training is something I'd like to do myself when I feel dd is ready, so if you wouldn't mind until then could you not put her on the potty? When we decide to go for it I will let you know and it would be really lovely if you could help me then, but we're not ready just yet.'

I think the other comments you should either just ignore or should nicely join in the conversation rather than sit there and get upset. Join in saying you don't feel she actually is slow at all, or whatever's appropriate at the time. You can have a discussion without it being rude or awkward - your point of view is as valid as anyone elses, but if you don't feel you want to or can, ignoring is the way to go.

What does your DP think of all this, is he supportive?

MsSparkle Thu 31-Jul-08 19:24:46

My dp is supportive, he just says not to worry about it and remember that his step mother is a retired school teacher so she more set in certain "old skool" ways.

flowerybeanbag Thu 31-Jul-08 19:26:43

Just to add, my MIL has been making various references to DS being 'out of nappies soon' for the last few months. He's 14mo now, and I have no intention of attempting potty training yet, so it's fairly common I think. I like to think my MIL wouldn't take it upon herself though.

flowerybeanbag Thu 31-Jul-08 19:28:09

Well it's fine making allowances for people's different experiences and viewpoints, but if she is trying to do it herself, yI think our DP needs to tell her not to do it and be supportive enough to actually stop her doing it.

flowerybeanbag Thu 31-Jul-08 19:28:40

Sorry, that should be I think your DP...

moshie Thu 31-Jul-08 19:35:31

I think we've all been through this about potty training with the older generation, you need to grow a thick skin, laugh and tell them they're being old fashioned.

As for the comments about dd being slow, I too would be upset, actually I think I'd be fuming, but you have to realise she's being a right cow and the opinion of such a stupid bitch woman doesn't matter.

Wade Thu 31-Jul-08 19:58:41

My MIL told me last week that her dd was dry in the day at 6 months!!! I can only presume her dd was dangling over a potty most of the day...

Talking about your dd this way in front of her is completely unacceptable. You could try "Please don't talk about dd in a derogatory way in front of her - she understands everything you say - its very rude I don't want her to develop a complex".

madame Thu 31-Jul-08 20:11:04

Tell her Ms Sparkle when you are you own with her that she has upset you with what she has said and done. Ask her to stop taking the lead on things that are your decision to make.

Awkward or not it has to be said but can be done in a polite civil manner and then move on. You will feel better and it will clear the air. If she gets the ump then that's problem not your problem.

myermay Thu 31-Jul-08 20:17:17

i haven't had chance to read all the responses on her - but i can imagine they'll be along the lines of this....IGNORE HER - she s you daughter not hers. Either smile sweetly and ignore her or tell her to butt out.

My mum has told me how she constantly felt underpressure by her stepmother. And because she was relatively young and impressionalbe with not alot of help from her own mum, she did listen to her quite alot. ie, sitting babies on potty from 9 mths old, put her off breast feeding because it's disgusting, children should be seen not heard and all other types of barking mad suggestions.

Please take no notice of you step mother - and do what feels right for YOU and YOUR child. Good luck

spanna07 Sun 03-Aug-08 19:39:16

Sounds like the wicked stepmother to me! I have just trained my DD this week- she is 2yrs 6mths and it took the grand total of 24hrs for her to understand that if she didn't do it on the potty, she got wet. I felt she wasn't ready until now partly because she's had the upset of a baby brother to get used to and so I would definitely advocate leaving until you think she's ready.

The 'older generation' often kid themselves anyway. My mum (who is wonderful) was recently wistfully recounting that even though as kids she sometimes gave us fish fingers (shock, no!), she always piled the plate high with veg. I can attest that this is absolutely untrue and that they usually came with burnt oven chips, but thought I'd not correct this 'memory' for her.

MsSparkle Sun 03-Aug-08 19:58:46

My dd will be 2.3 when my next baby is born. I don't want to potty train her while everything is up in the air with a new baby so i have until the end of December to crack potty training otherwise she will be nearly 3 by the time things settle down when the new one arrives. Tbh, i don't really want to wait until she is nearly 3!

Sassafrass Sun 03-Aug-08 21:43:25

Lots of children take a fair while to get ready. We tried with my dd when she was 2 and a half as she seemed ready. Turned out she really wasn't so we left it and tried again just after she turned three. It took 2 days for her to get it and after a week she was dry at night as well. I do think it's a lot easier on everyone if you wait until she is definately ready.

As for your mil and her friend talking, you should really try to say something to her about it. I'd be furious if my pil tried something like potty training without my say so.

samsonthecat Sun 03-Aug-08 21:46:43

My DD1 was 2.4 when DD2 was born. She decided for herself that she wanted to use the potty then. It was hard work potty training with a newborn as well but it didn't take very long because she wanted to do it.

littleducks Sun 03-Aug-08 21:55:01

I'm potty training dd at 2.3, i also didnt want to start when pregnant with ds who is now 4 months old so dont panic that she will be nearly three! I would wait till you think she is ready and dont worry about the new baby.

Dont let other people pressure you.

mylovelymonster Sun 03-Aug-08 21:58:33

Oh, just ignore her.

OurHamsterisevil Sun 03-Aug-08 22:10:24

THe thing was that in the 60's they conditioned their children to use the potty. Not trained them. They also conveniently forget how many accidents their so called trained children had.
I would say something to her about it being your choice when you train her and not to undermine that. Also she is just plain rude saying things about your DD being slow. What a cheek

Flibbertyjibbet Sun 03-Aug-08 22:25:50

In the 60's mums wanted the children out of nappies because most had no washing machine, nappies were kept in a bucket each day, each mum had enough nappies for say a day or two so they had to wash their terry nappies every night at the end of a long day with possibly several young children under their feet all day.

I still remember that bucket with my sisters nappies in...the old blunt knife next to the loo for scraping poo off...

I was dry in the day at 17m, a week before my sister arrived because my mother was determined NOT to have two in nappies again as I'd overlapped with my older sister.

So yes they potty trained earlier but if you had no washing machine and no disposable nappies - wouldn't you?

MrsMattie Mon 04-Aug-08 09:28:30

Ignore her. You know your child best.

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