ARGH 10yr olds and non uniform day = huge nightmare

[IllegallyBrunette]

I have just about had it with dd1, but at the same time I am now sat here feeling guilty that she has gone to her last day feeling upset and like I am picking on her.

She is 10 (11 in nov), but has always acted older than her age, so at the mo she is more like a 13/14 yr old tbh.

We don't have the best of realtionships, never have and never really understood why,other that we wind each other up the wrong way, and she knows exactly which of my buttons to press to make me explode.

So, today was non uniform day. I made them all pick their clothes on Sunday night so that everyone knew what they were wearing and it would all run smoothly.
Dd1 gets up and decides she no longer wants to wear what she'd picked. Fine I tell her, pick something else, but make it quick.
She said she had nothing to wear, which is a complete pile of tosh. She had a brand new t'shirt hanging on her wardrobe door so I told he to wear that with her skinny jeans. She said she wasn't wearing it. I only brought the top last week, but since then she has twice refused to wear it, even though she reckons she likes it.
I check again, that she likes it, and told her i cannot afford to have clothes sitting in wardrobes that she won't wear. I said i'd take it back today if she wasn't sure she would ever wear it. She insists she does like it, but she has done this so many times before, and then we end up rowing because she won't wear the damn tings.

I had the ironing board up so offered to iron someting for her, but no she was having non of it, and at 8:20 she was still stood in her knickers, hair unbrushed with no clue what she was wearing. We leave the house at 8:25.

In the end I threw the keys at her and told her I was going, because I wasn't having the others be late because of her, and eventually she caught us up in jeans and a t'shirt (not the new one).

She reckons that I am picking on her and cannot see why she is now grounded as she did nothing wrong. I beg to differ.

I now can't decide wether to take the new top back or not. I really think that she isn't sure if she likes it or not, which is fine but as i said i can't afford to let her keep it if she won't wear it. I have to return some shorts to the same shop today, so shall I just take it back ??
I won't be swaping it for anything else though as she sems to hate anything i buy simply because i brought it.

ARGH, I have a headache already

[IllegallyBrunette]

Perhaps I should have put this in aibu .

[FluffyMummy123]

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[notwavingjustironing]

I would take it back. This drives me mad with DS1. I take him with me to choose things, then he refuses to wear them. It will probably be in the sale again next week if she decides she now really loves it!

[titchy]

Maybe give her a clothing allowance?

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

Whut? You're not picking on her!

Take the top back, you can always buy it again if she changes her mind.

I suggest you get a catalogue, and let her and her best friend look through it and choose some clothes - circle them - then you buy the ones that are actually appropriate for her age

And chuck everything else out so she has to wear it!

[IllegallyBrunette]

It was in the sale already.

She really really cuts her nose off to spite her face, all the time.

I thought of a clothing allowance, but the trouble is, I don't always approve of the stuff she picks. As I said, she is only 10, but would pick stuff that was too old for her.

I am not sure what the answer is, she is driving me nuts, but I feel really bad now that she was upset.

It just annoys me so much that she doesn't see how spilt she acts sometimes. Considering my situation, all three of my kids get far more than you'd expect.
For example, on Friday, dd1 comes home saying she needs a memory stick so that her teacher could put all of the class photos on it. So me being me trots off on saturday morning and buys her one.

[IllegallyBrunette]

She currently has a lovely pair of white linenish trouser in her wardrobe that I got about a month ago. We had an almight row over those, because she said and I quote 'no one wears trousers in the summer'.

I begged to differ, pointing out that this is the UK not Spain and that if she looked, she'd see loads of poeple in them.

Eventually she said she wanted to keep them, but guess what, she hasn't worn them once.

[FluffyMummy123]

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[HonoriaGlossop]

gawd how nut-driving.

I don't think I'd have grounded her though; it's enough I think that you walked out and faced her with the fact that she HAD to get ready. That's the natural consequence of her actions. And that's enough I feel. I think grounding on top of that doesn't do anyone any favours because as she says she FEELS picked on and this leads to resentment which doesn't make it any easier to have a nice relationship with her...

However I'm not saying what she is like with clothes is not extremely annoying because it sounds it!

If this was me I would give a clothing allowance but I would say shopping still has to be WITH you and you have the casting vote on whether clothes are suitable. It's a step of progress for her, rather than you presenting her with clothes that you've bought.

You sound a very kind mum and it's so nice that you do buy her stuff however tweenagers are a law unto themselves and gratitude for kindness from mum does not seem to figure in their mindset at all!

[IllegallyBrunette]

I can't take her clothes shopping, it always ends in a row. Either my mum takes her, or I buy stuff without her, which I find really sad tbh, as I should be able to go shopping with her shouldn't I ?

If I went upstairs right now and cleared out stuff that she has refused to wear in the last 6 week then I'd have a pretty decent pile yes, but I can't do it, because a) I can't afford to and b)she'll have nothing to wear for out holiday.

She has alwasy been like this with clothes tbh. I remeber trying to buy her a winter coat once when she was about 8. I very nearly killed her at one point.

[IllegallyBrunette]

I am ging to take the top back. Do I look for a replacement or just not bother ??

[FluffyMummy123]

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[notwavingjustironing]

Don't bother. She will get the message!!

[FluffyMummy123]

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[happystory]

Oh non-uniform days. What a b* nightmare they are.

Dd's school had 'tracksuit' day this year (in aid of a sports charity)
That's easy, thinks I, school tracksuit, all turn up looking more or less the same.

But no.Any old tracksuit.

Do you know how many variations on 'tracksuit' a 12 year old can think of?

Grrrrr

[ELR]

dd is like this i have given up and dont bother buying anthing and just let her where her manky old jeans, she has started to come around now and is suprising me by wearing some things i have bought previously, she is 6 in november

[HonoriaGlossop]

My mum still talks about a time with my brother, shopping for trainers, and I think murder was very nearly done

He had his own clothing allowance after that but then he wasn't going to come home with highly unsuitable mini-hooker wear!

Maybe you could give her a clothing allowance via your mum? Or would your mum rather gnaw off her own arms than take responsibility for it all the time?

[IllegallyBrunette]

My mum loves spending time with DD, but even she has noticed how difficult she is being lately.

My mum would take her shopping if I asked her too, but tbh I hate the fact that she can go shop with my mum but not me.

I won't get another top in replacement, I will leave it and not mention it as Cod said.

Happystroy - I can well imagine the angst over the 'right' tracksuit. Dd1 wanted one for guide camp, but it had to be a Mckenzie one . I told her where to go.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I wouldn't take the top back. I think it's just grist to her mill and will make her feel even more resentful. Yes you can make the point that it's money wasted but at what cost to your relationship with dd?

I'd rather chalk it up to experience; the money on that top has gone now. Better to use it to learn from and to make things different in future, however that is done - whether it's you and her shopping, or her, or your mum and her etc.

just my opinion, FWIW

[stleger]

Do you find it difficult to get clothes to fit her? I find 11-12 year old girls don't get much choice in shops. (I am finding this now with dd2, dd1 was the same). Limited choice makes it harder to shop.

[misdee]

i would offer a clothing allowence, and go shoppign with her. i know you say it always ends in a row but maybe she needs to learn to compromise a bit. say she picks 4 tops she likes, you say she can have two, one she chooses by herself within reason and one that you both like. that sort of thing.

dd1 is 8, is a mad ball of hormones, and is starting to choose her own clothes. she asked the other day why io dont buy her dresses anymore, i said to her' you're always off on your bike or climbing trees, or at the lakes, do you think dresses are suitable for that?' she laughed and repled 'no mum'

[GrapefruitMoon]

I think one of the problems at that age is that they are really worried what other people think and get themselves really worked up about what to wear - we had a school event last week one evening and dd was going to wear a dress - really nice, not babyish (sort of cool surfer sundress style). At the last minute she started to have a panic saying only one other girl was going to wear a dress - in the end I got her to "phone a friend' to see what the friend was wearing and she settled on jeans and a top. Yes. I would have liked her to wear the dress as I felt she doesn't get many occasions to wear one, but at the end of the day it was more important that she was happy and relaxed.

I don't think I would get away with buying dd's clothes without her there now - saw a top that I liked before her birthday and was going to get it - dh was with me and he liked it too but we decided to get her opinion - and of course she didn't like it!

[misdee]

if it has skulls on it, then i am safe with dd1 lol.

[AbbeyA]

A really good reason for having school uniform! The problem is that she cares what others think so she may well love the top but she hasn't decided whether she should love the top! Pleased that I have boys!