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Birthday Party Dilemma

(30 Posts)
Earlybird Mon 07-Feb-05 14:34:12

DD will be 4 in a few weeks, and we have planned a birthday party at an indoor soft play centre. In order to avoid the weekend scrum, the party will take place during the week, one afternoon after school is over.

There is one boy in dd's class who is TROUBLE. He usually has a time out at school most every day, knocks other children over, tears/breaks things regularly, and even bit another child recently! DD is adamant that she doesn't want this boy at her party. We haven't invited absolutely everyone in her class (those not invited are a few of the "wilder" boys), but am now feeling pangs of guilt that dd (and her friends) will be buzzing/excited about the party on the day, and this child in particular is bound to realise he's not invited. To make matters even more awkward, dd came home today with an invite to this boy's party.

Do I just live with the guilt, or invite him and figure that he'll have alot of space to burn off excess energy at the soft play centre and so shouldn't be a problem? Don't want to hurt a little boy's feelings, but also don't want the party dominated by this child's behaviour (watched him completely disrupt a party entertainer's birthday show a few weeks ago). His mum just shrugs, smiles and looks pleasantly vacant, so is no help in controlling him.

I'm asking you lot about almost everything today, so help me sort this one too please!

MunchedTooManyMarsLady Mon 07-Feb-05 14:38:52

Live with the guilt doll! I wouldn't worry too much about it. Mine get invited to some parties and not to others. In fact I was just looking through DD2's invites today and she has been invited to parties of children that she won't be inviting to her party. What's important is that your child enjoys her party. It happens, it will continue to happen. It doesn't make you a bad parent. We rarely have whole class parties, in fact the only time we do is in Y6 before the children all go their separate ways. hth, but don't give in to peer pressure to have to invite everyone.

marialuisa Mon 07-Feb-05 14:50:59

i'd live with the gilit and not invite him as you're not inviting the whole class. You can politely refuse his invitation if it makes you feel better?

annh Mon 07-Feb-05 15:10:27

Don't invite him!! Am sure that not ALL children in the class get invited to ALL parties and if even your dd doesn't want him there, don't give yourself the headache of worrying about him possibly upsetting everyone.

vess Tue 08-Feb-05 06:59:24

If he has invited your dd, you have to invite him! It would be very rude not to! (sorry, that's just what I think) I mean, they are being open and friendly after all! What would that tell the little boy? That it doesn't matter if you are nice to people and invite them to your party, you have earned yourself a bad name (at the age of only 4!!!) and that's it! Best to try and work things out. Besides, if it's a soft play centre, there's plenty of space for everyone and your dd will probably play with her usual friends...may not notice him at all. There is a difference between you wanting the perfect party for your child and them having a good time.
Personally I'd either invite the whole class if I can(to spare myself the guilt) or a few close friends.
Sorry if it sounds rude, you'd probably end up not inviting him anyway, but ...just an oppinion.

GRMUM Tue 08-Feb-05 07:18:02

I personally wouldn't invite him or feel guilty - its not as if your dd has invited everyone except him. I would also assume though, that she doesn't want to go to his party?

pinkwhistle Tue 08-Feb-05 07:23:42

FWIW I think you are better off not inviting him. My reasoning is this:

*He is not the only one in dd's class you are not inviting...including other "wilder" boys to use your words.

*How guilty will you feel if dd's party is disrupted or if someone is hurt by this little boy during the party? (vs how guilty you will feel for not having invited him...)

I agree with marialuisa, decline the invitation to his party if it helps. Chances are dd won't want to go anyway, and imagine what sort of state this boy will be in once you add the excitement and attention of a birthday to the mix!

BubblesDeVere Tue 08-Feb-05 07:44:52

I think you are right not inviting him too. I am going to be in a similar position in May. DD1 want to invite some friends, but, the girl who she sits next to is going to be the problem. Her mother and I do not like each other at all and don't speak and the mother takes great delight in getting her daughter to say silly things to dd2 in the hope they get back to me. So I will not be inviting her, I know that if I did her mother wouldn't let her come anyway.

WideWebWitch Tue 08-Feb-05 07:46:13

I wouldn't invite him either, she's old enough to choose who comes to her party imo. If she doesn't get on with him or play with him I'd turn down the invite to his party too, it doesn't sound as if she'd mind.

Skribble Tue 08-Feb-05 10:21:13

Sorry but I disagree if you are inviting the whole class he should be included.

I would save money and just invite her closer friends maybe just the girls. When I was at school most of the girls just had girls at there parties.

If you do end up inviting him get one of your freinds or family to keep a special eye on him so you can concentrate on the whole party. Bribe friend with dinner, drinks etc.

I had my DD whole class, one boy was a bit of a problem so I got BIL to keep eye on him and after a few stern words and removing the tennis rackets?? from the hall it calmed down a bit.

I think that will be last whole class one, it was in a community centre and it doesn't cost per child. If I was going for soft play centre I would definantly limit numbers.

PS soft play won't be as easy to disrupt as an entertainer. The staff will help with checking behavior. Send him back into play if disruptive when eating doing cake etc.

crunchie Tue 08-Feb-05 10:30:01

Srible it is OK she is not inviting teh whole class. So I have to agree with the ones who say don't invite. Personally I don't think it matter if some invites come to dd and we don't get invite back. I know we invited people to dd's parties and we haven't had invites to their parties. I'm not too bothered. We have a big party in a hall that doesn't 'cost' per child, where others do things like soft play centres that do. My kids are just putting a list together for their party and they can choose exactly who they want, rather than who I want/know

open Tue 08-Feb-05 10:35:56

Don't invite him and don't feel guilty. All children get excited at parties, imagine how wound-up he could get.

Skribble Tue 08-Feb-05 10:48:59

If its not the whole class don't invite just because he invited her to his. Sorry I misunderstood.

She's not going to his is she? That will be a really fun party not!!!

My son is having only a few friends to his even though he has been to other parties this year. As long as he takes a present and card to the ones he does go to I would say thats fair enough.

Poshpaws Tue 08-Feb-05 11:01:33

Have to agree with vess.

Is this little boy 'bad' or is he just an over-excited child? My Ds can be very boisterous and it really worries me that he won't get invited anywhere just because he is excitable. Must admit, though, he does not bite other children or break their things. Do you think the parents know that he is not invited to parties becasue he is 'wild'? Maybe they could coem along and keep and eye on him?

If dd really does not want him at her party, then so be it. And if she has decided that she does not want to have the other 'wild' boys at her party then go with her choice. BUT, I would decline this little boy's invite if you really don't want to have him at your dd's.

Earlybird Tue 08-Feb-05 11:06:38

Thanks for the feedback/advice. My inclination is not to invite him, but also to politely and graciously decline the invite to his party. Haven't spoken to dd about it yet, but think she will be fine about missing out on that party. By the way, the boy in question kicked another child at school yesterday......he doesn't seem to be able to control himself at all.

One last note - this boy's party is being held at a ceramic pottery cafe .....his mum means well and tries hard (and I do feel a bit sorry for her), but I can't think of a place less suitable for this child's party.......talk about the bull in the china shop!!

Skribble Tue 08-Feb-05 11:10:44

You really don't have to invite someone just because they invited you. Especially if she didn't go.

Not everyone has a big house or can afford to invite all the kids your child doesn't even get on with.

Its either whole class or friends, not the list of kids whose parties she's been to.

My DD is starting to get invites from kids at dancing and other after school activities. I can't afford to have all of them at her parties, does that mean he should turn down these invites?

I suppose its a bit like weddings getting presurised into inviting everyone you've ever known.

Poshpaws Tue 08-Feb-05 11:17:17

But I think EB has the right idea. If her dd did not invite this boy because, in effect, she does not like him, then she more than likely does not want to go to his party anyway.

I agree, you cannot invite everyone (unless you can afford it and dd wants you to), but you are right to politely decline the invite, unless dd kicks up a massive fuss and wants to go (highly unlikey it would seem).

crunchie Tue 08-Feb-05 11:25:29

Skribble If your dd is getting invites from others, such as friends for dancing etc then obviously if your child wants them then they should come. I have declined invites when I hardly know the child (let along parent) and don't want yet another weekend taken up by one child's party.

However like I said we have big parties as that is what WE like to do. DD (4 and 6 in March a week apart) will have a big joint party with about 30 kids This is cost effective for us as we don't hire entertainers (DH's job) and the hall is £21 for a 3 hr party. Also I enjoy organising this, although maybe next year they might want something else?? Who knows?? They have been planning their 'Disney' party since before Christmas, so I must get the party catalogue out at the weekend to decide on colour scheme/theme for plates etc. We will print loads of pics from the Internet to decorate and loads of balloons. It usually costs about £100 for everything which is not bad considering.

Gobbledigook Tue 08-Feb-05 11:30:33

I wouldn't invite him if you've also not invited others. I can't say I wouldn't feel guilty though. We've had an invite from an old NCT friend we hardly see now so I feel we have to invite him to ds's party even though I wasn't planning to (and we are having it at home so it makes quite a difference to have to invite child and sister and his Mum will be there - 3 extra people in an already overcrowded house!). TBH, it's bloody stupid because my ds didn't even know who I was talking about when I said he'd had an invite to this child's party!

Cam Tue 08-Feb-05 12:03:37

When my dd 3 I didn't invite 2 boys from her nursery school class because dd was frightened of them and cried at the thought of them coming to her party. Some of the mothers were "funny" with me about it. Ever since then I have invited the whole class (small) just to avoid the "politics", despite there usually being one or two that dd did't want to invite. However this year when dd was 8 and didn't want to invite a particular child I just thought that I can't carry on overriding her and she is now old enough to decide totally on her own party list. No-one was "funny" with me this time.

crunchie Tue 08-Feb-05 12:49:42

Gobbledigook, trun down the invite and you won't feel obliged to invite them to yours. Or just don't invite them to yours, unlikely they will find out about it anyway.

My dd didn't get invited to a party that others from her class were going to, even her best friend went and I know his mum too. But then it is their choice, I am not bothered tbh. If I decide to invite this kid to ours, then that is my choice surely. Is everyone made to feel guilty about this then, or an I weird??

Cam Tue 08-Feb-05 13:11:14

crunchie I've decided to give up the feeling guilty thing, on the grounds that life's too short.

moondog Tue 08-Feb-05 13:18:55

Invite WHO you want, WHEN you want.
I only invite kids whose parents I know and like so that everyone has a nice time and it's not just wall-to-wall crisps and lurid birthday cake (glass or two of wine always helps these things run more smoothly!)

We tend to overestimate the concept of friendship with young kids. In general, they are pretty happy buggering about with whoever is on hand.

You CAN'T do the 'they invited us so we've got to invite them thing'. That's like sending out Christmas cards as and when you receive them. (Not that I send those anyway.) If parties involve people you don't really want around, then they're not really fun are they?

Lonelymum Tue 08-Feb-05 13:24:20

No invite who your dd wants. My kids (ds2 in particular) gets lots of invites and only has back the people he wants. I don't think you have to think we received an invite from him so we must have him to our party. I am sure most people don't keep count of who has invited them back. I don't.

Angeliz Tue 08-Feb-05 13:29:59

I had the same dilemma a few days ago. (My dd is 4 in a few weeks and we too have organised a party at sofy play)
There is one little girl in dd's class who is a bit loud and spoilt and i think dd finds her intimidating! ( the other day she was apparently telling dd what to do and wouldn't take no for an answer. I told dd to tell her no loudly and if she still didn't listen to tell a teacher).
I agonised and said to dp that she should have who she wants at her party and then got some wise advice from my mam.
If she is to go through school in the same class as this girl best to nip it in the bud now. I will watch any interactions between them (i actually doubt there'll be any TBH), and if i see dd being intimidated, i'll tep in¬!

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