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my lo ignores me all the time and doesn't love me

(33 Posts)
bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:10:06

well so it seems

just ignores me

is this normal for a male boy almost one?

totally enthralled by grandparents and dad who never have to do all the "horrible" things to him like change nappy, feed, take toys away etc

feel really low and dejected - spend all hours of day doing everything to make his life best and today in particular he really ignored me

Habbibu Thu 17-Jul-08 21:13:10

Oh, bumbly - they do just adore grandparents who'll do anything and everything for them, and it did drive me insane too. They're very self-centred at this age, and flit to whoever will fulfil their immediate desires. He loves you - you're his security, and he doesn't always need to seek you out, as he knows you're always there for him. It is hard, and I do sympathise. How is he when it's just the two of you?

bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:14:59

yes and also when grandparents/dad leaves - my oh my tantrum

when i leave - nothing

haven't been on own with him for a while and with summer coming up don't think will get chance but am so worried he doesn't love me and really am worried

and low and depressed and all i want is best for him

FattipuffsandThinnifers Thu 17-Jul-08 21:17:23

Totally normal IME! My DS, 14 months, went through a phase of this for a short while too. After spending all day preparing all his food, feeding him, changing his nappy, playing with him, etc etc etc, DP walks in the door and it's all smiles and excitement like life has suddenly got great. Ungrateful little gits! But it didn't last long in my case, and I'm the only one who gets proper sloppy kisses now. Rest assured you really are the most important person in your son's life!

bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:18:11

thanks!

peanutbear Thu 17-Jul-08 21:18:42

he knows you will come back thats why he knows you love him unconditionally

Habbibu Thu 17-Jul-08 21:19:09

He knows you're coming back. DD runs after granny all the time as granny never tells her to do anything for herself, whereas I have to set rules for her. You poor love - you've done so well. Can you find some time just for you and ds - stories, playing a game, doing some painting?

ChukkyPig Thu 17-Jul-08 21:21:48

bubmly of course he loves you! He's so secure he doesn't feel the need to show it.

My DD was the same as Fatti's, all smiles for daddy when he got in from work or any other family who dropped round, not so much for me. When it was the 2 of us she just got on with doing her own thing.

But now I'm the one who gets the sloppy kisses too grin

bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:34:54

when we are alone he is ok but only that - nothing more

Habbibu Thu 17-Jul-08 21:36:25

It's a phase, bumbly. Repeat that to yourself all the time. You've let him feel very secure with you, so congratulate yourself on that.

AttillaTheHan Thu 17-Jul-08 21:39:42

I really feel for you. Nothing prepares you for the lows of parenting like this do they? I can assure you as other people have that this is normal. At this stage in his life your ds has not seperated himself from you, so you will see him react more to others because he still sees you as n extension of him. Please don't feel rejected and depressed I'm sure there are signs there that he loes you but in different ways than with other people.

It does change as they get older. Then there'll be something else to stress about!!grin

bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:40:13

thanks habb - though not sure that is the case...if only

lou031205 Thu 17-Jul-08 21:44:09

It really is true - DD1 never seemed to want me, and will still drop me in a heartbeat for Grandad, but since 2.5, she often asks for me now. She never did before that, and it did make me sad. But, she is a happy confident girl who knows Mummy loves her.

MmeBovary Thu 17-Jul-08 21:47:06

As Attilla says exactly - they take you for granted! You're mummy, you do stuff according to the routine, they pay more attention to the other stuff. Don't take it personally and don't worry - your day will come when mummy is IT...

divastrop Thu 17-Jul-08 21:51:24

did you mean you are feeling low about this situation or are you suffering from depression,and if so,are you getting any treatment?

bumbly Thu 17-Jul-08 21:53:40

low about this only

as little one really ignored me today - otherwise am happy thanks

calsworld Thu 17-Jul-08 22:03:15

Hi Bumbly, my DS, now 19 months, did this to me too, he didn't just ignore me either, he'd cry, hit, pinch and it really, really upset me. Particularly noticeable when I picked him up from nursery in the evenings.

I reiterate everything everyone else has said, I'm sure it will be a passing phase. Apart from amything else, at a year old, they simply don't see things in the same way as we do, to you, he is ignoring you, to him, he's just not paying you any attention, its certainly not malice on his part, that's far too complicated an emotion for him to understand (yet!).

You are part of the furniture right now, always there, never changing, always consistent in the way you treat him. I promise you, very soon, he will see you as his favourite plaything, sure, he'll still have fun with his granny and dad and uncle tom cobbly and all....but it will be you he runs to with his grazed knee, or when a loud noise scares him, you that he wants to play chase or tickle or whatever with.

Just continue being consistent in your love for him, offering cuddles and kisses when he'll let you...soon enough he'll be dribbling on you kissing you and demonstrating his affection in the same way that you do!

FattipuffsandThinnifers Thu 17-Jul-08 22:13:27

Bumbly, really, he really isn't ignoring you in an 'adult' sense. Just exactly what everyone has said, he takes it for granted you'll always be there for him. I sometimes even used to try and ignore my DS just to see what he'd do blush, though not for too long, I couldn't go through with it! All to no avail though, he'd just seem happy enough getting on with his own thing till I gave in (after about 5 minutes!) or someone more fun came in! Please don't take it personally, it is totally normal.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 17-Jul-08 22:16:44

Yes it is one of the hardest things that the person who does MOST and is ALWAYS there is the one who's treated like part of the furniture

And speaking as an ex Social Worker who's worked with quite a few needy teenagers who have looked on their growing bumps as 'someone to love me'.........that's often the last thing babies are! They are little leeches and want to 'use you up' not 'love you' and they are takers, not givers.....

Not that I'm comparing you to a teenager bumbly, it's just to illustrate that it is natural for all of us to subconsciously expect some outward sign of the utter closeness of our relationships with our baby. It WILL come of course, maybe not yet because he's not really developmentally fully aware of himself as an individual yet. When that comes you are bound to get more 'feedback' from him....

for now perhaps just take some joy in HIS joy at seeing others and enjoy a little time off when he's being entertained?

May2December Thu 17-Jul-08 22:51:48

Of course he adores you and is so secure in your love for him he doesn't have to 'win' your love IFKWIM. The clingyness will come in time but this is perfectly normal. You'll hear the yell, 'I want my mummy!!' before you know it and be amazed that you ever asked this question.

SummatAnNowt Fri 18-Jul-08 00:06:18

Isn't he still at the age where they say babies don't even recognise that they are seperate people from their mothers?

And you can't put adult emotions and motivations onto a baby! He can't even understand or define the word love yet nevermind know what are the socially acceptable ways of expressing it!

ThatBigGermanPrison Fri 18-Jul-08 00:32:08

Babies don't love anyone, really. Not in an adult sense of love. They take what they need and move on - you always cough up what's needed. He doesn't need to put on a show for you. It's not a gamble, whether you are going to come back - you always do.

Would you rather have a child who was so insecure he wouldn't leave your side?

RambleOn Fri 18-Jul-08 00:44:30

Agree with everyone else that you've done such a good job of being a mother that he knows you're coming back, and therefore doesn't get upset.

My DD also went through a phase of not even seeming to notice if I was around at this age. I miss it now, as at 21mo she clings to me like a leech and only wants mummy grin

aquasea Fri 18-Jul-08 01:38:01

I really feel for you. My DS is/was exactly like this. It used to really upset me. In fact, I think I may have written a post almost identical to yours a while ago. I just wanted to let you know that it will change. Very recently my DS (13 months) has started to give me random pieces of affection. For example he was sitting on my lap while the doctor listened to his chest. He suddenly turned around and gave me a kiss grin Also, sometimes when I am sitting talking on the phone or something and he is playing, he will come over, give my foot a quick kiss and move on. It makes me so happy. Finally he is letting me know in his own way, when he feels like it, that he loves me. grin He is still very independent. He never gives me cuddles and he doesn't cry when I leave him but I try now to view this as a positive. He is confident and happy to do his own thing. I have friends who have very clingy babies and they can't leave them at all. I know I can pop him in the creche at the gym for a couple of hours and he'll be happy as larry. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel and that your DS does love you and he will show you in the way he chooses when he decides to...and it will make it that much more special when he does. smile

Monkeytrousers Fri 18-Jul-08 01:51:03

please don't take it personally - he does love you, you are just familiar to him - he can take you for granted cos he knows nothing less than your love. He's one! He has not contest. Please, just continue to be there for him - unconditionally

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