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Behaviour/development

5 year old ds is getting worse (sorry long)

12 replies

Titania · 03/02/2005 12:34

ds1 was 5 in november. His behaviour has gradually got worse since before christmas.

We have tried the positive reinforcement thing and the jar with marbles/pasta/pennies in, and star charts, but to no avail.

He is arguementative, boisterous and nasty to his sister (always has her in tears) He tells me he hates me wants a different mummy. If we go out anywhere, he ruins it for everyone moaning and being horrid to everyone.

Last night we were going to take the kids out for dinner as a treat but his behaviour forfieted it for everyone. (I told dh to just take the other 2 kids and I would stay home with ds1 but he said that was cruel of me )

So I cooked them all meat and potatoes. DS1 sat there for an hour and a half crying about it. In the end I told him to get in his pyjamas and go to bed.

He gets enough attention and I always make sure I have enough time to spend with the children equally.

We found out that there was a boy in his class who was pushing him, but ds didnt seem bothered. This lad is now under supervision at all times as he has hurt so many children in the class he isn't allowed near them now. (incidentally the mother is up in courst for glassing someone in a pub the other week) I have asked him if he is bothered by this boy and he says no.

I don't know if this behaviour is related to this lad at school or not. I know he probably sounds like a typical 5 year old, but its hurting me to see my little boy getting so bad.

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MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2005 13:36

where is ds in the family? youngest, middle or oldest?

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MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2005 13:39

And are there other stresses going on in the home with anyone else that he could be picking up on, new baby, stress etc

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Cristina7 · 03/02/2005 13:53

Oh dear, our was the same for a couple of months and, funnily enough, also just after he turned 5 (at the end of October). He's getting better now, although still argues about every task given. The tasks are simple ones, to put his socks on, wash his hands (which one? he wants to know), not sit so close to the telly etc. Everything was a battle. I found that the only way to get to him was to repeat the same request over and over and over in a very calm and rather boring tone and with little eye contact. I don't know if it's time (just a phase he went through) or if this worked but I'm SO glad it's over or getting over. You have my sympathy.

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Titania · 03/02/2005 14:05

awen he is first born. only the usual stresses and strains of family life here atm!!!

cristina7 i have tried that. he pretends not to hear me

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Titania · 03/02/2005 16:41

since he got home from school he has done nothing but shout and yell. I have asked him repeatedly to calm down. He got so wound up he ended up standing on his little brother. I haven't told him the budgies died yet.

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Easy · 03/02/2005 16:47

Oh this is a very familiar story, ds was 5 in Sept, and we're still in this phase.

IMO telling him to calm down (as dh does, repeatedly) just makes him worse. I try to ignore most of the arguing, he can't argue with you if you don't argue back, but this will be difficult with other children.

I'm afraid that when it gets too bad I put ds in his room. He has a clock in there and we show him when he can come out (usually 10 mins). If he comes out, we put him back, and add 5 mins. Sometimes his behaviour is cos he's tired, and he just falls asleep in his room.

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MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2005 16:48

Is there much of an age gap? My big sister has 3 under age of 7 now and her eldest has always pushed boundries - can remember her feeling really stressed when her eldest was 5. Lots have happened for them at this age, including school, making a new group of friends and also finding out that not everyone is friendly. They are also learning in a more structured way. Read on another thread too that you are expecting (congratulations ) and that there are some stresses surronding that.

Children can often tell when they are pushing 'those buttons' too.. a really good read is the christopher green called beyond toddlerdom isbn ref 1-86471-088-8. A really good read and very helpful. hth.

btw my ds is nearly 5 and is pushing the boundries harder, felt crap as last weekend we had several episodes of tears and temper but i guess it must be frustrating being so small, believing your are the centre of the world and not having everyone else believe it too

good luck

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amynnixmum · 03/02/2005 16:49

Titania{{{hugs}}}
Have you talked to his class teacher to see if they're experiencing something similar at school? Having no end of problems with our ds (4 1/2) and also use positive behaviour techniques. Because of DS problems in school there are currently several professionals involved in asessing his needs and they all say to just keep at the positive behaviour stuff. Someone mentioned on here the other day that little boys of about 4 or 5 have a peak in their testosterone levels and that it doesn't reach that level again until they go through puberty. Can't remember the thread and I don't know how accurate it is but personally I found that very reassuring

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MamaMaiasaura · 03/02/2005 16:51

Ojh and ds did the whole lying on the floor bit in a shop, i threatened that i would lie there next to him and everyone would stare. He looked really shcoked and picked himself up - dont know that i would.

Time out is a really good tactic, i use bottom step - no toys or interaction (if i send him to his room he would either throw things or play with them!). I use the minute for each year of life - hence 5 years - 5 mins. But tbh he calms down pretty quick as it is soo soo boring. Esp when he is there shouting out his little cross comments and i just react calmly by saying.. fine sweethert.. just stay there a bit longer then. bless him.

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amynnixmum · 03/02/2005 16:54

We also use time out like Easy described and our ds also often falls asleep. When his behaviour got really bad in october last year we had a few sessions of room trashing but after the third time I started making him stay in there until he had tidied it up. The first couple of times i did that he was beside himself with rage and took about 2 1/2 hours to tidy it back up but he soon got the message. Now when I hear him start to chuck stuff in there I tell him very calmly that if he makes a mess he will be staying in there until he's tidied it back up. Haven't had a single room trashing incident since before xmas

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Easy · 03/02/2005 17:03

Titania

I don't know whether this would help, but could you try bringing bed-time forward by 1/2 an hour. We do find that ds is less challenging when he's had more sleep.