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Favouritism?

(18 Posts)
ChocolateMouse Thu 10-Jul-08 16:58:25

Hi there,

Please let me know what you think. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or if this is happening for real...

My DS has just turned 5 months old and I can't help but feel that he prefers the company of DH. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way due to my own insecurities to do with rejection during my childhood though. I read somewhere that it's good to let your baby either see you very last thing at night and very first thing in the morning so they have a lasting impression of you overnight. My DH gets up very early for work and does the morning feed so he sees DS first thing in the morning whilst I try and get an hours extra sleep. DH also does the last feed at the end of the day so that I can get on with chores and dinner, etc. The rest if the day I do the feeds. When DH gets home from work DS gives him the biggest gummy grin and spends time playing with him. I'd love a gummy grin like that. I realise this is jealousy on my behalf - is this normal? Why do I feel like this? Am I setting myself up for a fall by not doing one of the first or last feeds?

I know it may sound selfish but I have a real fear that my DS favours DH over me sad ......is this a common occurrence if this has happened? Should I just get over it?

Thanks so much and apologies for the ramble

Tortington Thu 10-Jul-08 17:01:46

serioulsy want to tell you to have another kid

but instead will say

boys love boys - and your dh is out all the time

ChocolateMouse Thu 10-Jul-08 17:14:36

I did wonder if it was a case of boys love boys.

If only it were possible for us to have another baby in the future........DH unfortunately doesn't want another sad

Tortington Thu 10-Jul-08 17:23:37

sorry, i was being a cow - let your dh do as much as he can - you should cultivate this relationship - as you never know what life may hold - another woman with other kids for example - if he desn;t have a bond with your son - he won't miss him will he

and thats me not being a cow.

seriously y- if you have a creer and you need him to pick up son from school - it will be seen as equal chore.

don't take things away from him.

maintain the equity

i have two teenage boys and they would die for me - if that makes you feel any better

all the laughting joking, fighting macho bullshit with dh

but i come first wink

and i know it

bubblagirl Thu 10-Jul-08 17:27:10

try to not do so much house work in day if something doesnt need doing dont do it and spend more time having fun with ds

if you do do this then its not ds doesnt like being with you its daddy has been away all day and a fresh face

does not mean by all means he prefers your dh just enjoy being around him and remember babies dont understand choosing one over the other its just his missed him

leave dh alone with ds one day go out come in and make huge fuss over ds he will give you a gummy grin too

my ds is a mummys boy and daddy used to cry thinking ds didnt like him but once he stopped feeling like that and relaxed around him my ds can give and take who he is with now and can be seen to be a bit of a daddy's boy at times

blow bubbles on his belly and watch him laugh at you it'll cheer you up and show you he too loves his mummy

EthelTheUnready Thu 10-Jul-08 17:29:12

My boys always want dh. Except in the middle of the night hmm

I think they want him more than me because he is soft as shite and a complete pushover whereas I am hard as nails. wink

ChocolateMouse Thu 10-Jul-08 20:11:17

Hi there,

Sorry Custardo - didn't realise you were being a cow shock

That's a good point bubblagirl, I should concentrate on having more fun with him. I should be happy with what DS already gives me already. You know I tried it - I blew bubbles on his belly and he did laugh - gorgeous Thanks!

EthelTheUnready -you know you have a point there - DH is much softer on him than I think I am.....hmmmmm....

angel1976 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:21:33

My 4.5 months old DS does the same except that DH doesn't even feed him! LOL... Someone told me to see it as a good thing, you are always there, part of the furniture, no need to impress you so it's a good thing as DS is secure in that you will always be there for him. Or something like that... My DS loves to smile at everyone except me! ;)

ChocolateMouse Thu 10-Jul-08 20:29:21

Oh angel1976, it's somehow comforting to know that it's not just me.

What you say makes me feel a lot better, that he knows that I'll always be there - I like that smile

Thanks angel1976

bubblagirl Thu 10-Jul-08 20:45:06

your not alone in your thoughts maybe its because he knows you love him and can always rely on you with his evry need that his looking for same in dh by flashing him a big gummy grin

mummys are priceless even if we dont feel like it at times when they are upset or unwell its the mummys they want to comfort them and there tubby little cheeks on ours and the bestest cuddles in the world is what its all about

sillysillysally Thu 10-Jul-08 20:48:47

My eldest ds has always favoured his daddy. His younger brother looks like he's going the same way. I used to get really upset about it but now I just go with it. There are times when it's a real bonus!

StressTeddy Thu 10-Jul-08 20:52:17

oh darling - from the moment my ds was born he preferred my ds. My very first post on mn was about this in fact

It does get better - although I am still waiting for the time when my ds wants me first

My ds wants my dh when he is ill, in the middle of the night etc. It's totally heartbreaking
In our house it is a rather big deal - here's why

To me, ds is number one
To dh, I am number one
To ds, my dh is number one

Tis a proper love triangle and the source of many tears
I really do believe it is because my son takes me for granted and knows I will do anything for him
Love to you -you are not alone

hellabell Thu 10-Jul-08 20:52:19

I remember with DD that I would bust a gut trying to keep her happy all afternoon, would end up lying on floor in uncomfortable position, her crawling over me, whining, pulling hair... and then her face would light up and huge grins for daddy coming home... grrr! It didn't last too long though, she developed into a really clingy mummy's girl... double grrrr!! Joking apart, it sounds like a very well balanced family scenario to me, lovely for your LO to have teo loving parents. You ARE the love of your DS's little life, you'll know it soon enough smile

lenny101 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:56:57

He thinks he is part of you. He doesn't know he's hurting your feelings. For me I see both my boys' 'favouritism' ebb and flow. They are 2.6 and 1.1 and sometimes I am the centre of their world and sometimes DH is the be all and end all. I like it, in the longer term it feels balanced and right.

lenny101 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:58:23

hellabell, that's just lovely. Yes CM, you are the love of his life and when he can, he'
ll express it. x

HonoriaGlossop Thu 10-Jul-08 21:27:41

Agree with lenny - he has no concept of you as a seperate person from himself so he is unable to show favouritism.

I think if you take wholehearted pleasure in the pleasure your son takes from seeing his dad that will make you alot happier.

It doesn't matter who that gummy grin is to, whether it's you or Dh, (no doubt it would be you if you were out all day!) it's just heart-warming to see your child happy - and to see them starting a loving relationship with their father is a precious thing, not something that reflects on his feelings about YOU in any way.

i notice you mention insecurities through rejection in your past; and yes I would certainly say that this seems to be an issue in your feelings...might even be worth talking to someone about this so that you can get a better perspective on it - you are clearly the most loving mum so you won't want to be making this an issue for your ds during his childhood - which it will be, if he senses your upset and confusion with his natural and healthy delight in seeing his dad.

violetsmile Fri 11-Jul-08 08:40:47

I used to feel this. It always seemed that whenever dh was around then ds cried less and was generally happier.

It wasn't the case. It just felt that way as there was someone for me to talk to and make it easier for me to get other things done and someone to hold and feed ds.

He always saved his best smiles for daddy but I saw that as a good thing really. DH was a novelty to ds as he worked a lot and only saw him before bedtime on week days and all day at weekends.

All it means is that ds is so attached to you that he just sees you as the 'norm' and just knows that you are always there.

At this age too, he really will just think you and him are the same person. He doesn't realise that he is seperate from mummy til about 7-8 months.

Believe me, when he realises this and separation anxiety kicks in, you can't even go for a pee without baby sobbing, you'll wish he didn't love you quite so much!!! grin

Sounds like you are both doing fine. Honestly, he seriously isn't capable of favouritism. It just feels that way now!

ChocolateMouse Fri 11-Jul-08 16:19:07

bubblagirl - Thanks. I take comfort in what you say - I see what you mean that maybe he tries to look for the same in DH. I hope I'm a priceless mummy and if I am, I look forward to feeling it someday smile

sillisillysally - Thanks. I understand what you say about it being a bonus sometimes; I just don't want it to be all the time.

StressTeddy - Thanks. I was in tears after reading your reply. Thanks so much for thinking of me - love to you too. You know, I think that maybe I'm feeling extra-insecure because me and DH haven't been getting along since DS arrival, so I guess I feel rejected by both of them. This issue has caused DH to think I'm being silly but it still hurts, doesn't it? Surely I'm allowed to still feel my emotions aren't I? (Don't ask my DH that one! He'll answer, "As long as you don't cry"). How can I hide my emotions when they feel so raw? I see what you mean about the love triangle. I guess for us right now it's a case of

To me, DS is number one.
To DH, DS is number one.
To DS, DH is number one.

I need to learn to accept it and to see it as a good thing.

hellabell - Thanks. You're so sweet to say that I'm the love of DS's life and thank you for saying that it sounds like a well-balanced family scenario....it doesn't feel like that to me just now but maybe that's my hormones or something blush. Looking forward to when DS expresses that to me hellabell grin

lenny101 and HonoriaGlossop - Thanks. I agree with you about hellabell's comment being lovely. I quite like the idea of the possibility that DS thinks he's a part of me; that's sweet too smile. I understand that he doesn't know that he's hurting me though - he's too young to understand that. You're right, I am happy that he's happy, I just get a little on edge about this from time to time. Naughty me. I have been to talking therapies before about the rejection in my past and, believe it or not, I'm a lot better than I used to be blush. I really hope DS doesn't get affected by this.

violetsmile - Thanks. I take comfort from what you say too - the fact that he sees me as the 'norm' and knows that I'll always be there. I didn't realise that they don't realise that they are separate from mummy until 7-8 months! Thanks for telling me smile. Erm....not being able to go to the bathroom sounds like right pain grin. Thanks for saying that you think we are both doing fine - that's kind of you.

Thank you all for your understanding. Now I know that DS isn't capable of favouritism so young...phew!

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