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i need help, im being constantly beaten by my ds 3

(16 Posts)
hana25 Wed 09-Jul-08 20:58:32

i have the most wonderful ds whos 3, well he;s wonderful infront of everyone but as soon as its just us at home the major tantrums start, they can be trigered by the smallest thing and last for hours!! he'll start by headbutting the floor or doors then move onto me, headbutting, punching, kicking. if i try and hold him back or leave the room it just gets worse. ive tried the naughty step, taking favourite toys and talking but nothing seems to get through. tonight has been the worse so far with him telling me he wants me to be sad whilst headbutting me till i break down in tears. am i weak??? i need advice please

LovelyDear Thu 10-Jul-08 00:09:17

i'll follow this with interest. my dd (4) is generally lovely, always attracts attention as she is sweet and funny, but faces fall when she suddenly blows her top. She flips in certain very specific circumstances, eg if i see her doing something that she wanted to be a surprise, or if i help her when she didn't want it. and then she'll suddenly kick me, really hard, saying i hate you i hate you. After these outbursts she will often sing, to the tune of Barney's cheesey happy families song, "i hate you, you hate me, we're a hatey family....". it's so sad, i'm desperate. she's not going to have any friends (and nor am i) if this carries on.

cornsilk Thu 10-Jul-08 00:11:15

is he overtired? Do you know what his triggers are?

Shitemum Thu 10-Jul-08 00:25:08

I'd be tempted to hold him under a cold shower TBH

navyeyelasH Thu 10-Jul-08 00:39:26

When he headbutts the floor/walls what do you do?

hana25 Thu 10-Jul-08 20:18:33

generally when he headbutts the floor and doors i try to ignore him hoping he'll get over it on his own but it always moves onto me, i get scared he's gonna really injure himself one day an he's always got a bruise on his head. he probably is tired as he rarely has a nap in the day then when it cones to bed time he stays up playing in his room till 9 or 10 and is always up by 6 in the morn.
today was going well till he lost it in the supermarket, started hitting and headbutting and discovered the shopping basket made a great weapon, i must have looked like the most useless mother ever!!!!!

if i really think about it he is quite obsessive, if he cant answer the phone, turn the microwave on or flush the toilet (to name a few) he loses it.

myfeethurt Thu 10-Jul-08 20:32:28

My DD nearly 4 has massive tantrums usually sparked by tired /hungry just before teatime, i have found that the best thing to do is plonk her in my room on my bed and walk out and shut the doorand to keep repeating this until she calms down, has taken up to an hor now never more than 10 mins. She also has the obsessive thing turning TV off is a big one. good luck

Shannaratiger Thu 10-Jul-08 20:34:46

I think tiredness probably has alot to do with this. My dd(4) reacts much worse to any trigger when she's tired.
You need to try and get him into bed eqrlier. Sorry no suggestions on how to achieve this though.

thisisyesterday Thu 10-Jul-08 20:45:25

hana... take all toys etc out of his room. don't give him an opportunity to play.
if this is impossible then will he sleep in the car if you go for a nice long drive in the day??

If ds1 is violent in any way towards me he gets one warning (ie, he will be taken upstairs if it happens again) if he does it again then he gets taken upstairs and put on his bed.
I say nothing. just shut the door and leave.
if he came out and hurt me again I would jsut keep putting him back on the bed.

this is going to sound harsh but you are letting him do this. you are the adult and you CAN stop him. you can hold him down, you can put him in another room.
you shouldn't be sitting there taking it until you cry. this isn't good for either of you (you know that, that's why you're posting here)

you do need to talk to him as well though. but when he is calm. tell him that it makes you very sad, and try and get him to help you think of things he could do instead.
ie, come upstairs and hit his pillow. stamp on the floor, punch the sofa etc etc

thisisyesterday Thu 10-Jul-08 20:48:06

I think 3 is a really difficult age for them actually.
not really a baby any more, but not big enough to do big kid stuff either. very frustrating developmentally and physically for them, which of course manifests itself like this.

it could also be a control thing, esp with the obsessive behaviours. he maybe feels like those things are the only things he CAN do, and so gets upset when that is denied.

can you try giving him more control over other things such as choosing clothes in the morning, giving a choice of dinners for him to pick, erm, choosing which way you walk to the shops and stuff liek that?

you ahve my sympathies, I have a 3 yr old boy myself

girliefriend Thu 10-Jul-08 20:51:42

hello blimey sounds like heard work! And stressfull. Are you on your own or is he different when your partner is around? He sounds like quite a sensitive soul tbh if it doesn't take much to set him off.

Ideas;
1. Ignore all the bad behaviour if you can, don't speak or look at him once he has started kicking off. once he is calm talk to him about his behaviour why it is wrong and that it makes you feel sad when he attacks you.

2. Also have an area that is a cool down space so that when you see him starting to get wound up you can direct him to it/ put him there.

3. have a positive behaviour chart and everytime he does anything that is good or helpful make sure you lay the praise on thick, tell him how proud you are of him etc!

4. spend time with him even if it is just sitting on the floor with him watching him play, talk to him about feelings and help him recognise what the different feelings are ie sad, happy, angry.

5. if he is saying he 'wants you to feel sad' then it sounds like to me he is really angry with you, do you know why this is?

6. lastly sounds like he needs routine and structure in his day and night. Def bring the bed time forward and have a set bedtime routine and strict lights out policy by 8pm!

You need to remember you are in charge and if he feels that you are not he will kick off because he has no feeling of security or containment. anyway hope some of that might be helpful, XxX

Trebuchet Thu 10-Jul-08 20:51:55

Perhaps your GP could refer you to a child specialist? My youngest sister have extreme and bizzarre behaviour as a child and my Mam took her to a child psycologist who really helped. Bear in mind we were from a Northern council estate in the 80's-you didn't do that sort of thing. I don't know what the sessions entailed but they were obviously beneficial. Good luck x

navyeyelasH Thu 10-Jul-08 20:54:46

Well it's hard to give advice because I don't know you or your child. But certainly it would try to get the wee little man to bed a bit earlier - why is he in bed so late? is it hard to get him into bed? What is your evening schedule like?

also RE headbutting and tantrums I know it's every mothers worst nightmare but really leave him to it, even walking away from him & holding him back will make it worse (although I appreciate the you are only trying to ensure he does not get hurt). Just carry on as normal doing whatever it was you were doing, and also try an indirect distraction. Also remember he is not a naughty boy, just his behaviour is not so good (probbaly down to sleep), I doubt anyone with any experience of children would think badly of you, so just grin and bear it in public.

My nephew who really can be a menace at time, when he starts throwing a strop I completely ignore him, turn on some music (normally children's stuff they know and enjoy) and get some colouring out. They will scream even harder for a good while then eventually come and join you - then once he is calm take the time to explain why his behaviour is not on. When I first tried this I made the fatal error of trying to jolly him into colouring with me which just made him even more cross!

This might not work for you as all children are different but worth a shot!

thisisyesterday Thu 10-Jul-08 20:56:36

actually Hana, I'd really recommened rreading ""raising your spirited child" by mary sheedy kurcinka

hana25 Thu 10-Jul-08 21:19:35

we do the same thing every night, dinner, bath (if theres time after the dinner strops), story, bed, an he is always upstairs by half 7. but no matter how tired he seems when im reading to him he will always get up as soon as i leave the room to play.

he has always acted differently with my partner(his dad), generally being better behaved for him. he works shifts so ds is always worse to get to bed when daddy's at work, but lately they've been fighting a lot but ds would never hit him.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 10-Jul-08 21:48:12

Hana my ds did a fair amount of hitting at this age and it is horrible - you feel you must be doing something wrong for them to treat you this way.

But you're not - some kids do this so it's not personal as such - he just needs a firmer boundary. If ds hit, I told him if he did it again he would go in his room for a few minutes. He hated the thought of this so much that it did make a difference (I'd used time out in there a couple of times for awful un-ending tantrums and he really hated it). He just needs to know the consequence WILL come if he carries on.

Work on it at home and this will help the times when you're out in public too.

My ds also was similar at bedtime in being awake till quite late; if I were you what I would do is:

lunchtime: drive around so that he falls asleep and has a nap
Bedtime: Get him in bed with the routine all done by half six - then after story you could lay with him while he drops off - no playing, but he can have your company....you might find he drops off alot quicker this way.

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