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Calling all mums of 9yr old girls please help me?

(20 Posts)
LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Jul-08 12:56:01

Can anyone please help me with this thread?

I need idea's on behaviour I should expect from dd1 now she is growing older, I'm totally clueless about how to help her grow up a bit more. I think she needs more freedom/ responsibility but I'm unsure how to go about letting her do more and how much is too much iyswim?

Many Thanks in advance.

LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Jul-08 14:06:33

What time do your 9yr old's go to bed?
Are they allowed to play out and if so how far can they go, how late can they stay out?
Do they walk to school on their own?

What can I do to allow dd1 more freedom whilst still protecting her from harm?


LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Jul-08 19:50:56


LoveMyGirls Mon 07-Jul-08 20:34:39

Bump, or even if you have had a 9yr old child I'd still appreciate any help.

admylin Mon 07-Jul-08 20:40:53

How about getting her a book explaining the hormones, feelings she is having at the moment etc? I know that helped me when I was in my early teens, I got some books and a magazine or two and it sort of helped me to understand what was happening and why I felt like I did. My dd is coming up 9 and she's also moody sometimes or she'll snap at me for telling her to brush her hair/tidy up/ go to bed whatever although I know this is only the tip of the iceberg - most of the time she's still my baby and comes for cuddles and helps me alot in the house etc so I'm not looking forward to it getting worse!

ivykaty44 Mon 07-Jul-08 20:44:07

I have a 9year old dd,

she walks to school on her own and walks home on her own. The school is around three corners and she uses the lollipop man. Sometimes she calls for her friend on the way - which means walking slightly of course to call for her friend.

dd goes to bed at 9pm, she is actually good at going to bed so am fairly relaxed about bed time - cos at times she will go up early if she is done in!

dd plays out around the corner with three other girls - from school and a couple of boys also from school. They all play together and in front of two houses where two of the families live.

There is also a youth club for year 3- year 6 nearby at a church she goes to to mix with other children not from school. I wanted her to go to try something new, mix with other children.

I think just a little bit at a time has worked well for us - my dd has needed a getly incouragment to do soemthings and when she plays out has her phone with her so I can phone her. But i make her watch the time, so she learns about coming back on time.

Blondilocks Mon 07-Jul-08 20:48:06

My DD and several of her friends are snappy, stroppy & moody, argues & doesn't listen - she's 9 and they are 9-10, so it's not just your DD (even though it probably feels like it is, if you're anything like me).

I don't think it's down to parenting. My DD says she gets angry with people at school but can't get cross with them so she lets it out at home - Nice eh?!

I don't really send her to bed early, but if she is rude or shouts I usually say that I am not listening to her if she speaks to me like I'm thick or stupid or deaf and if she wants me to listen she must speak nicely. I try not to shout back though. It is really difficult. I don't remember being like this when I was a child!

Crocky Mon 07-Jul-08 20:52:25

Does she go to bed at the same time as younger sisters?
My ds, almost 8, loves to be able to stay up half an hour later than his little sis. Makes him feel a bit more grown up.

CarofromWton Mon 07-Jul-08 21:01:12

Not sure how helpful I can be - just a bit a reassurance really. I have a 9 yr old DD whose behaviour changed dramatically at age 6 - loads of attitude etc. However, she's very affectionate and behaves like an angel at school and when with friends. I feel this year we've finally turned the corner - she's altogether much more pleasant to be around. She's very physically advanced - her physique is that of a 13 yr old and I'm dreading an early puberty (several indicators that this will happen).

Her attitude used to drive us to distraction and she regularly used to tell us she hated us one minute and loved us the next. We were in her words "the worst parents in the world"! I used to feel that she was trying to get attention from us because I also have a younger DD (now 4) and DD1 was used to having a lot of undivided attention before she came along. You look after several other children - do you think your DD may be feeling a little ignored? Not your fault though - little ones take up a lot of your time, but if you could spare a little one-on-one time just with her? I know it's difficult - I used to beat myself up about that one.

Anyway, I think my DD's problems may well have been down to hormone changes and also the arrival of my DD2. However, these are not excuses for bad behaviour - I never gave into her when she was rude, and I did remove certain privilages (with a warning) when necessary.

Other than that, I think time is the only answer - good luck and hugs.

Sidge Mon 07-Jul-08 21:02:25

My DD1 is 9.5. Generally she is a really good kid but we have our moments hmm. Occasionally I get lip and attitude and it seems worse when she's overtired and feels a bit neglected (I have 2 other girls, a part time job, DH away at sea and DD2 has SN so DD1 does get a bit left out sometimes and has to amuse herself).

She has a bath at the same time as her sisters (about 1900) then has some time in her room until lights out at 2030 in the week and 2100 at the weekend). She walks to school alone (admittedly we do live next door so she has no roads to go on , she has to walk through the infant school to get to the juniors) and walks to Brownies alone (over the road and up a little back lane) but not in the winter when it's dark.

She doesn't really play out, but that's because most of her friend's live further away and we arrange 'dates' if she wants to play with them.

I find he plays up more if she's not getting as much of my attention as she'd like, so I try and arrange some 'me and her' time to calm her down again - we either go out together to the library and get a drink, or have movie night after the little ones have gone to bed - a DVD and popcorn.

Sidge Mon 07-Jul-08 21:03:54

I should add I mean a drink like a coke or a pot of tea, I don't take her to the pub!

pinkbubble Mon 07-Jul-08 21:04:01

My DD3 is 8 and a half. She goes to bed between 7:30 and 8pm Sunday - Thursday. Friday and Saturday up to 9pm.

She has a little freedom, as in she is allowed to play out the front (we do live in a cul de sac), although she does have boundaries on where she can go in the cul de sac. Saying that if she wants her bike out, as long as she tells me, she is allowed to go a little further, but again in the cul de sac.

With her eldest sister (she is 14) she is allowed to go to school with her, which involves crossing roads, and a good 15 min walk. DD3 loves being out with "big sis" so never messes around.

Will let DD3 go to the post box with DD2 (she is almost12)

If DD3 speaks to me out of turn, I gently remind her that I don't talk to her like that, also that if she spoke to her friends like that, then she would be soon friendless. If DD3 sulks, I remind her of her age, and that its not acceptable, and if she wants the treats of being out and about then she is old enough not to sulk.

We have always done separate bedtimes, DD3 goes half an hr before DD2, and DD2 goes an hr before DD1.
They like to feel important when they are older.

tibni Mon 07-Jul-08 21:42:25

I have a 9.5yr dd.

As yet she is not showing the attitude that some of her peers are. (no doubt it will come!)

dd responds well to responsibility and praise. Some mornings she will get up and make me a coffee, sort out breakfast for herself and her little brother and generally be super efficient. She loves the positive response she gets from me and I make sure that she hears me say what a help she is. Some mornings she doesn't get herself out of bed and its a struggle just to get her out the house in time but hey she is a child!

I know that at dd school they have a lot of issues with year 4 with friendships, behaviour etc. I try and take time to talk to dd and find out what is going on (dd is very open if I give her chance) and we talk about issues surrounding friendships etc.

Some is just down to nature. dd is a conformist who likes to please with a real sense of fun. I have firm, consistent rules such as homework, (have to as ds has ASD) but in other ways I am quite open and relaxed and pick my battles.

LoveMyGirls Tue 08-Jul-08 07:45:56

Thanks everyone

So how many of your dc's have a mobile phone? (this is something she's been asking for, for ages but I don't see the need, she's got a laptop and uses msn which is free)

I don't think we'll change her bedtime as she does get to stay up later on the odd occassion when she's behaving anyway so i think thats about right.

I think from next week i'll let her walk some of the way to school.

At school she is polite and has quite a few friends, she got a brilliant school report. I spoke to her teacher yesterday to see if she was behaving at school and to get an idea of what I should be expecting from dd for her age, dd1 was mortified but I said if she wasn't horrible to me then I wouldn't have anything to talk to her teacher about, she really looks up to her teacher, i hope this makes her think twice about her behaviour.

She has been better since yesterday, she sulking a bit this morning because she's worried her teacher will tell her off, I've told her she won't and not to worry.

pinkbubble Wed 09-Jul-08 21:48:26

DD3 does not have a mobile phone as there is no need for her to have one. She does not go on MSN either. Saying that neither does my almost 11 yr old DD. Although I have lent DD2 my mobile phone so I could contact her.

admylin Fri 11-Jul-08 09:58:11

I'll be getting ds one for my peace of mind more than anything so he can atleast let me know if he's going to be late when he starts doing his school walk alone in September - he's 10.

scanner Fri 11-Jul-08 10:10:48

My dd is almost 9, but the youngest in her year 4 class so most of her friends are already 9. I have to admit she isn't like this, but here's what I think fwiw.

7.30 is a bit early for this age group, dd in theory goes to bed at 8, but it's often later especially at weekends. Some of her friends go to bed as late as 9.30, which I think is waay too late on a school night. However I have begun to treat dd in a slightly more older way, like you she's my oldest and the first time with this age group for me.

For example on some nights (often when dh is out/late) I let her stay up and watch something more adult like Gok's fashion fix or britains' top model. She feels she's doing something with Mum that doesn't involve the other two dc's and we have a nice chat about the programmes in a grown up way.

I've also started treating her as if she's naturally expected to get herself up in the morning - bought her a cheapo radio alarm clock from woolies it's set for 7.15 with radio 1 or something and there's no-way she can sleep through it. By the time I'm waking the younger two dc's at 7.30 I expect her to be up and I now knock on her door or call out rather than assuming I can march uninvited into her room

I've also taught her to make a cup of tea and coffee and occassionly ask her to make one, which she loves as she gets to feel sooo mature in front of the other two.

About 4 weeks ago she started walking to school, but with a friend. I ask her opinion on what I'm wearing or what we should do at the weekend etc.

There are still some things she need's to be co-erced into like homework for example, but who's perfect.

She doesn't have set chores, although I might re-think this, but I expect her bedroom to be kept tidy and I now put her clean clothes outside her room and expect her to put them away neatly.

Punishments are not staying up with me or loss of pocket money.

overthehill Fri 11-Jul-08 10:49:14

I posted this on the original thread by mistake and decided it would be better to copy it here. I have a 9-year-old ds who can also be really challenging. I agree with other posters who emphasize the importance of her feeling she has more control and independence as she grows up. Does she help with the little ones eg could she help get their breakfast for them or assist in some other way eg helping them get dressed? Giving children responsibility like this can really help them mature. I also agree that you should consider letting her walk at least part of the way to school. Does she have a friend who lives nearby with whom she could walk? I'm also surprised that she has such an early bedtime (although I don't know how early she has to get up) and wonder if she finds this a bit babyish.

cocolepew Fri 11-Jul-08 11:00:23

I think her bedtime is a bit early, my DD aged 6 goes to bed at 7.30. My DD 10 has to have her light out by 8.30. She can play out until then if she wants or go to bed earlier and read until then.. She doesn't walk to or from school on her own as she is terrified of dogs, if she sees one she would run on to the road in a panic. She does walk waayy in front of me though, if she is walking home with friends I would leave her and walk on (only 10 minute walk home). It's been the school holidays here for 2 weeks and her bedtime is 10-10.30 depending on what she's doing, she turned her light out herself at 9 the other night as she was tired.

I give her fish oils and evning primrose oil for her hormones. Jan De Vries does a flower remedy you put in water, Child Essence, and this helps when she is particulary hormonal.

whispywhisp Fri 11-Jul-08 11:12:59

I have a 9yr old daughter. She is a sensible level headed 9yr old.

She leads a busy school life - doing lots of activities outside of school and has a nice group of 'girlie' friends.

I am strict with bedtimes on school nights. She is in bed by 7.30pm and lights are out by 8-8.30pm. If she wants to read I let her but it is still lights out by 8.30pm. On non-school nights I let her have a late night - ie in bed by 10pm but lights are out straight away. If I feel she's tired or she's been irritable I get her to bed earlier.

She eats a healthy balanced diet. Lots of fruit and veg. She drinks lots of water.

Sometimes she'll go thru a phase of crying for absolutely no reason at all. I ask her why she's crying and her reply is 'I don't know'. I just make sure I'm around/with her and let her chat to me about anything to make her feel better. I think its important that as her Mum I recognise the fact she's not happy but I don't let her dwell on it. I've always told her if she has something bothering her to tell either me or DH. She may even talk to my Sister who is very approachable. I've put this type of behaviour down to the hormone changes in her. She will have a day occasionally when all she does is moan and complain and the next she'll be fine. Again...hormones and tiredness.

9yrs old is, imo, an inbetweenie age. She's neither a child but also not a teenager. They want to be independent. DD1 wants to walk herself to school and walk home on her own but unfortunately it isn't safe to do so. We have to cross a majorly busy main road which has a zebra x-ing which we've had so many near misses on over the years and my opinion is if drivers don't stop for adults what chance does a 9yr old have?

I'm often told what is cool/wicked and what isn't. She wants a mobile phone. I've said no, not until you go out with mates when you're older. IMO she's too young to go into town with her friends.

She gets pocket money every Sunday but she has to earn it. It is only £1 a week. For this she must keep her room tidy - ie make her own bed, keep her desk tidy, empty her bin, put her own dirty washing into the basket, dust her shelves and keep her books tidy etc etc. She helps me get the washing in, she will dry up the tea-things and she will lay the table. She often asks what she can do to help and I try to give her something to do!

She does get the odd treat. For example she's going to the cinema tomorrow with DH to watch Narnia. That is a real treat for her. She also goes swimming with DH on a Sunday and we let her take a friend too.

I had quite a strict upbringing. We were poor as kids. I want both my DDs to appreciate what they have. I also had a Mum who walked away when I was DD1's age and I never had her to turn to/talk to. I certainly couldn't discuss how I felt with her. Not even now all these years later.

Hormones play a massive part in a child's behaviour and at 9yrs old hormones are racing around a girl's body in readiness for puberty. Whilst I don't allow hormones to be an excuse for DD1's behaviour sometimes I do bear it in mind when she is having one of her moments.

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