recommend a book/tactic for my friend's 10 yo DD nightmare behaviour?

[MancMum]

ny friend is at teh end of her tether over thebehaviour of her DD - she is a very bright girl but her relationship with Mum has gone down hill - lots of "I hate you" "you do nothing for me", "you ruid my life" Gernally acting like a moody teenager but only 10. My friend is a good mum - only works part time, very full on parent, allows her lot of freedom and friends around to stay... but is at a loss on how to deal with this -= gone on for a few months but now so bad she is at breaking point. She wants advice on new strategies - anyone used a book that gave them some useful techniques?

Thanks

[miam]

Hoping to see what anyone else can suggest for this Mancmum - I have 10yo and 11yo dds (also 4 and 5yo dds but don't need to worry about them for a few years yet hopefully!!). My relationship with the 11yo had been very strained this last year. She had not actually said any of the things that your friend's daughter has, but her behaviour deteriorated. It came to the point where we could not speak to each other civilly. Then one night, after a particularly bad argument, I sat her down and we spoke for hours. Told her how much I loved her but how and why her behaviour was upsetting me. We talked for ages about how we wanted each other to be and I told her what I expected from her in terms of obedience, respect and good manners. She told me where she was having problems with me in return. We both had a huge howl and a huge hug but the air was cleared. That was about 4 mths ago, and things have been infinately better since. If I feel things are slipping again, we sit down for another chat. Hormones ofcourse are hugely to blame - they do not know why they are acting the way they are most of the time, but fortunately she has settled into a proper cycle too, which helps. I'd be interested to see if there are any good strategy books out there too - my 10yo is fine at the moment but it probably won't last too much longer....

[MancMum]

bump!
Miam - thanks for your comments - think the idea of a 2 way dialogue is good - at the moment thinks a friends just seem to deteriorate into shouting matches and character assassinations or stony silences...

find this quite sad as I have an angelic DD at moment (hormones free at 2!!) but just know it will go wrong - I was a monster but not until I was 14 - things seem to happen too fast and young these days!!

[candycane]

I've recommended it before but will do so again! "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk" has lots of really useful ideas in.. A bit American but really good advice - have used it with my own 2 and with kids at school to good effect - when I'm not too tired or stressed to remember anyway! I wonder if anybody will be able to recommend a book about dealing with teens and pre-teens that might be helpful to your friend?

[ionesmum]

Hi, MancMum, I can remember being much the same with my own mum at this time, I had just started puberty and I have no doubt hormones are to blame for a lot of it. It's great that your friend allows her daughter lots of freedom but maybe she needs to set a few more boundaries? Also secondary school is looming which can be daunting. And you are so right that the pressures to grow up too young are even greater on girls now than they are when we were young.

In terms of books, I really like the Positive Discipline series, which are available from Amazon and come in different editions for all ages, as well as a good A-Z. I've only used these with my little dds but have been very impressed, which would suggest that they will be effective for older children too.

[weightwatchingwaterwitch]

I've got that how to talk book and I don't like it tbh, too American for me but your friend's welcome to it if she wants it. CAT me if so. I'm reading Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Zoe into Town: A Guide to the New Teenager because someone here recommended it a long time ago (ds is 7 but just preparing myself!) and this book Queen bees and wannabees is about girls and their friendships and looks good but I haven't read it.

[winnie]

I have Queen Bees and Wannabees and I'd highly recommend it.

[candycane]

What age group is Queen Bees and Wannabees relevant to please? Fab title!

[winnie]

candycane, Roselind Wiseman's book Queen Bees and Wannabes is subtitled helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends & other realities of adolescence. Personally I can see its relevance for some girls as young as 10. HtH