21mo dd gets very nervous and upset with other toddlers

[ILovePudding]

DD has started to become very wary when other toddlers approach her and it takes very little (another child touching her arm for example) for her to become hysterically upset.

I'm a sahm, but I make sure she has a lot of contact with other children - at playgroup, gymbaroo, going to the park, inviting friends with children round etc. My instinct is to get her involved as much as possible to 'desensitise' her, but am not sure if this could actually have the reverse effect.

I realise this is probably just a developmental phase, but she seems to be the only toddler I know who is like this. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it?

[dooneygirl]

DD was like this, too. Pretty much from birth on. People looking at her made her cry. It wasn't with just toddlers, though, it was everyone who wasn't me, DH, or DS. Not even grandma could calm her, and we couldn't go much of anywhere, because she would not settle down after we were gone, and cry almost the whole time.

DS is 2 years older and has always been very social, so we had to go places, because it wasn't fair to him. I just let her cling to me, and eventually she stopped crying. About 3-4 months ago, it was like a switch flipped, and she has done a complete personality 180, and is very friendly and talks to people out of the blue, she'll just say "hey man" or "hey yady" and jabber away. She's 2.10, BTW.

I sympathize, it is exhausting being around people, and you never know if you're doing the right thing to help, and I always felt whatever I did was the wrong thing to do.

[milkymill]

Both of my dc's have been/are like this to some extent. Ds (22mths) seems terrified of other children sometimes! He is improving little by little though, and I think the best approach to take is to keep on 'socialising' them but without putting any pressure on iyswim?

My 3yr old dd was also very similar at a younger age and still isn't the most outgoing toddler when she first meets people. She has a few good little friends though, and gets on fine at nursery. I truly believe it's a lot to do with personality type and some of us just take a little longer to get used to being around people! I would try to do lots of stuff where you are around other children, but there isn't necessarily the pressure to interact too closely for your dd, such as the park.

[InARut]

Yes, DD was very wary of other children until she started school I think. I spent endless parties etc with her sitting on my lap, watching all the other kids running about and playing, dancing singing etc and feeling really bad for and for me! The thing was she wanted very much to be with other kids but would close up as soon as she was in other kid's company.

Pushing her off on her own would only make her more upset and clingy. So all I could do was to keep taking her, keep telling myself that this is the way she is and the way she is is right for her at this moment. I did put her in nursery part time (I went back to work) partly for this reason too. I'm not sure if being an only child made her more comfortable with adults or whether she would have been like that anyway.

Anyway now she will play with other children she doesn't know -in the park, softplay centres etc so I think she is now growing out of it a bit with age and being at school. Some kids are just the sensitive ones, it's hard for the parent to see as you want to see your child happy and running around, which the majority of the other kids are doing.

[itwasntme]

My dd was like this. She was terrified of other children and would panic. It took a lot of reassurance and patience, but she's fine now.. she is really confident and outgoing.

It will get better

[ILovePudding]

Thanks for all your replies! It's reassuring to know I'm doing the same kind of thing as all of you in trying to give her lots of opportunities to be around children. I just didn't want to be doing that if it was going to increase her anxiety.

It's not an issue if it's simply her personality to be shy, there's nothing wrong with that at all! I think we all just want to bring out the best in our lo's

[Thankyouandgoodnight]

My 18 mo is the same and I just go with the flow to be honest. It seems more to be a 'space' issue though - she gets upset if she's feeling crowded. I have no doubt it will all change as she gets older and I do notice that if i try and 'wean her off' me, she just gets more upset, so I don't do that and just ride with it. I think they gain confidence soon enough.

[Tapster]

My DD 19 months is fine in playgrounds, soft play etc... but very bad in confined spaces i.e. other people houses/cafes with more than one child, even our own house. She gets upset and anxious. She used to BF all the time (until I cut her feeds down) in these circumstances. I now avoid these situations and just invite one similar aged girl round the house at a time for playdates and that works much better. I miss meeting up with my antenatal group but I dreaded it for my DD.

I was a very shy, sensitive child, more so than my DD I think and my mother was very social and took me out and about to meet other children all the time and I hated it. I think it made me more antisocial, anxious and shy. I think its better to go at their own pace and not push them.

[halogen]

My daughter is also 21 months and just the same - really really nervous of other children, particularly anyone bigger than her. Obviously I have no advice to offer as I haven't quite worked it out myself yet but it's nice to hear that other children are similar.

FWIW, I was v similar as a child and really nervous of talking to anyone apart from my family and I'm reasonably normal now!