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Ds's birthday party ruined about bully. I have had ENOUGH !!!!!!!!!

(40 Posts)
Blossomhill Mon 24-Jan-05 07:33:20

I posted recently about my sensitive ds, aged 7. Since Reception class he has been with a boy who is such a bully and really imtimidates ds.
In reception class he kicked ds so hard that he left a big black bruise on his leg. In Year 1 he squeezed ds's privates so hard that ds was in tears when I picked him up as he said he had a stomach ache. There have been so many incidents to be honest. Towards the end of yr1 he suddenly started to really try and be ds's friend and ds joined the judo club he was in. I was really wary of the "friendship" but thought it was ds's choice and what could I do???
Thankfully they have been split this year but still continue going to judo together.
Ds doesn't play with him anymore but invited him to his party as he had been invited to his (crazy I know!!!). Last week they were both at a different party and dh took ds. Apparently this child started strangling ds and then threw him to the floor! When dh told me I was so upset. Anyway at ds's party before it had even started he ran up to ds and banged him in his eye twice with the palm of his hand, completely unprovoked . Ds was hysterical, his poor eye was bright red. The mum was embarrased and was going to take him home but changed her mind. He then attacked another child in the same way as ds, going again for this poor boy's eye. When it was time to give out drinks ds (being birthday boy) was at the front of the queue and this child was screaming in ds's face I WANT TO GO FIRST, over and over again. Ds was again in floods of tears and I just wanted the party over. The mum is seriously in denial that there is a problem and is not approachable. people have tried before but she doesn't want to know.
What on earth can I do?? I told ds to tell him he doesn't want to be his friend anymore and ds said he didn't want to hurt this other child's feelings [FFS!!].
I don't give a sh*t about this child. I just want him to leave poor ds alone
I have been awake since just after 6 thinking about it all. I am so angry and upset that ds has to put up with this. I have even been into school about it and nothing has happened Why are these children allowed to get away with terrorising others????

nasa Mon 24-Jan-05 07:39:36

ah, that's horrible. If it was me I would definitely speak to the mother about it. I konw you said she doesn't want to know but I think if you are specific about all the incidents and make it clear how sick of it you are hopefully it will get through to her. Is the boy like that at school? what do they do about it?

Blossomhill Mon 24-Jan-05 07:41:54

I am going to try and have a quick word today. The other boy he hurt he also managed to throw him on the floor and chip his tooth last year!
Another really awful example is of a girl who fell over in the playground and twisted her ankle. What did he do? Ran over and stamped on her ankle??? This child is seriously disturbed. I sometimes wonder if there is more going on than meets the eye TBH

Earlybird Mon 24-Jan-05 07:45:57

Sounds absolutely dreadful, and I completely sympathise. I would do whatever I could to eliminate this bully from your child's world. It's sweet that your son doesn't want to hurt the bully's feelings, but your son is being physically hurt and intimidated!! Your son needs to understand that there are limits, and that it's OK (in fact, desirable) to have limits of his own. Every one of us needs to learn how we want to be treated in life, and this is a perfect time to teach your son about a negative experience. When someone treats you badly over and over, you don't invite them into your life (or your party)! Any hurt feelings on the part of the bully are simply consequences of his own making. I feel upset for you and your son , and sorry that the party was marred by such an unpleasant child.

Earlybird Mon 24-Jan-05 07:51:17

One more note - think you and your son are working FAR too hard to spare the feelings of this bully and his in-denial mum. That being said, I would be completely supportive of her if she was appalled by her son's behaviour and trying to do something to improve it. But as that is not the case in this situation, I wouldn't be putting this much effort into the situation, but would simply put my energy into positive people - for my son and myself!

jangly Mon 24-Jan-05 08:37:22

You say you have even been into school about it. I think that should be your main line of atack! Go into school and make a big fuss and keep going in until this is sorted out. It may be not easy for you, but do it for your ds. Don't let it go on happening. Speak to the headteacher and get angry!

LapsedGymJunkie Mon 24-Jan-05 08:43:07

I would manouvere myself beside her at the school gate and engage in post party conversation, took ages to clean up, didn't know kids could eat that much etc etc.,

Then when she has relaxed go for it..........ask her if he calmed down when he got home.......ask her what he had to eat or what he watched on televison. If she still doesn't want to acknowledge his behaviour then go for the kill and tell her that if he assaults your son in any way shape or form again that you will bring a private proscecution.

It might just bring her up short long enough to think about giving/getting the child the help he so obvioulsy needs.

What he is doing to your DS is abuse. What she is doing by ignoring and allowing that behaviour is tantamount to child abuse in my opinion.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I hate bullies and even more I hate bullies parents who endorse their behaviour.

mummylonglegs Mon 24-Jan-05 10:06:59

Bh, this sounds awful, no wonder you can't sleep.

When you say the mother's in denial, what's she actually like when the subject is approached with her? Does she laugh it off or does she seem as though she's embarrassed and at her wit's end? I'm wondering if she's bothered or not bothered, really, by her son's behaviour. Because it's so frequent from what you've said, I'm sure people have mentioned it to her before.

As a child who was mercilessly bullied through junior school by the same girl I have to say I would do whatever you can to stop it (although I also think your Ds is being a real trooper about it!). My school life and education were ruined by this girl and it wasn't until I came to do my A levels when away from her that I really became able to develop in myself as a person.

Caligula Mon 24-Jan-05 10:22:18

Your DS sounds like a lovely little boy, but this other boy does sound like he has more problems than his mum is either letting on or realises.

I think the biggest problem here is not yours, it's hers - it sounds like this child has special needs which have not yet been diagnosed, and perhaps she's unaware of that?

Not much help to you, I know - your immediate problem is the violent behaviour of this child towards your DS - and unfortunately unless you're very good friends with someone in this position, you can't really suggest to her that she starts researching her DS's problematic behaviour and find out if he has SN for which he needs extra support.

Do you have a mutual friend who might be able to tactfully broach the subject?

In the meantime, I agree with Earlybird, your DS needs to learn that limits apply to what behaviour he will accept from others, as well as what is acceptable from him. And whatever else is the matter with this other child, there's no reason why your DS should bear the brunt of his problems.

weightwatchingwaterwitch Mon 24-Jan-05 10:28:10

Poor you and poor your ds blossomhill. Have you talked to the teacher? She ought to be talking to the mother and the boy and making it clear that this is unacceptable. Sorry, don't know what else to suggest.

Caligula Mon 24-Jan-05 10:31:13

Oh and agree you should make a big fuss at the school. They're supposed to take bullying seriously, not just give lip service to anti-bullying policies.

sparklymieow Mon 24-Jan-05 10:35:30

we had the same thing last year, DS was being bullied by a bigger girl in his class, she would throw him on the floor, break his glasses, punched him in the face, while he had his glasses on, so he had a stratch mark on his nose, she put a skipping rope round his neck and pulled it tight, he had rope burn on his neck I had to go to the headmaster in the end as I couldn't get through to the teacher, and the mother was in denial that her daughter had a problem. The head had to put a 1~2~1 dinner lady on duty to watch this girl, but DS couldn't have one even tho he has CP and falls all te time.
Its a shame that some parents can't "see" the problems their child has and creates, I would talk to the teacher again and tell them what is going on, maybe they can get through to her.

trefusis Mon 24-Jan-05 10:35:58

Message withdrawn

batters Mon 24-Jan-05 11:02:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nm Mon 24-Jan-05 11:08:47

Blossomhill - my heart aches for you and your ds - I have had something similar - but in no way anywhere as bad as your situation - where the mother is in denial.

Hope you are able to resolve this but I agree with other posts on here - your ds is your priority - don't worry about upsetting the other child or his mother - threaten the private prosecution if need be.

Good luck

leglebegle Mon 24-Jan-05 11:12:51

If I was you blossomhill, I would tell your son he can't be friends with this boy anymore because he is too rough and violent. I would follow that up with a very strong chat with the school, and i would also talk to the mother. Even if she doesn't 'deal' with it, she knows how you feel and why her child doesn't get invited to anything of yours again. At the end of the day he is just a child, but you can't expose your son to physical assaults. It seems to go above and beyond what 'normal' kids do doesn't it. If the school teacher doesn't want to know go to the head. Follow it up in writing, and asking for a meeting to discuss what they have done. You could always get a few more parents on side and make a joint effort?

Blossomhill Mon 24-Jan-05 12:40:13

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words They are really appreciated.
Spoke to the teacher this morning and she couldn't really say anything other than they don't play together and that he was a boy that they watched like a hawk. I wanted her to know so that she could keep an eye out for ds. She also said that the school had deliberately split them last year when they mixed the 2 classes up.
The other mum whose son was also hit told me that this boy took a cake out of the bin and was saying to ds there you go there's your birthday cake and basically taking the p*ss. He was also saying to ds no one is going to sing happy birthday to you. I just think he is jealous of ds and without being big headed ds has lots of friends (because he is kind/nice to them) and this kids has none - surprise, surprise.
I feel awful but I actually despise this child so much. How bad is that

louise1974 Mon 24-Jan-05 13:28:21

Don't feel bad Blossomhill for despising this brat child. Its perfectlty natrual to desoise anyone who hurts our children. You are a tigeress trying to protect your cub.
If it was me I would have told him and his mother to get the hell out of my house after the first smacking in the eye incident at the party.

Blossomhill Mon 24-Jan-05 14:40:04

I know Louise I feel so guilty for not protecting or sticking up for my son. The mum was really apologising and I was just hugging my ds and didn't say anything!!!!

Twiglett Mon 24-Jan-05 18:50:19

i am really sorry your DS is in this situation it must be truly horrible for you

however I don't understand how the mother is ignoring it .. you say she was trying to apologise, she was threatening to take the child home .. obviously she is aware then that this behaviour is unaccetpable .. maybe she is at her wits end and doesn't know what to do any more?

Personally I'd find another judo class and refuse any further invitations from them, spelling out to the mother that you don't have the energy to be constantly protecting your DS from his over-exuberance.. the further apart you can keep him and your son the better

aloha Mon 24-Jan-05 19:04:42

Agree with Twiglett.

jangly Mon 24-Jan-05 19:07:02

Oh God- I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for the little bully now!. He's obviously got some kind of need that isn't being met. Still, I don't think there is anything you can do about that Blossomhill. Oh, and don't feel guilty - it was at a party you were giving and your first thought was to be polite. That's only natural.

Lonelymum Mon 24-Jan-05 19:22:14

I know how you feel Blossomhill as I have had some similar experiences myself via my two sons. I wouldn't have the courage to face the mother direct I have to admit, but I would try to keep my son away from the bully if I could. When my ds had his first ever party when he was 5, some boys spoilt it for me and him (mainly because I hadn't realised how they needed to be directed and couldn't be left to just be pleasant guests on their own!) There was no bullying as such but I still was really upset and took many months to get over it. So you have my sincere sympathies.

Blossomhill Mon 24-Jan-05 19:51:42

Thanks everyone
You are never going to believe what happened when I picked up ds from school. Mummy **'s mummy said could I go and play after school this week . Er No I said, no way! He then said he didn't actually want to go but didn't want to hurt this boy's feelings by saying no.
What planet is this woman on. Does she think I am stupid or something. Talk about brush it under the carpet again

HunkerMunker Mon 24-Jan-05 19:54:33

BH, I want to send you and DS a big hug - I'm dreading DS being this age and dealing with horrid kids. (He's only 9 months old!)

I bet if this child was on the receiving end of this kind of treatment, the mother would be kicking up seven kinds of stink!


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