My 7 year old becoming too clingy, please advise

[tandos]

Hi, I am looking for advise on how to tackle this issue. I am a single mum and dd is my only child. Xh (dd's dad) is always in and out of her life, I used to encourage him to be constant in Dd's life but we end up fighting coz I won't take him back. So now I don't bother, we don't talk. Such that he comes to pick dd up to sleep over at his house(two wknds a month) and a "hi" is good enough. The thing is d/d always cries for me now at nights when she is at her dad's or if she is at a sleepover at anyone's house. The other time i had to go and pick her up from her friend's house at midnight as she was crying and saying that she misses me. She always assures me that nothing bad is happening but she just misses me. Yesterday she slept over at my sisters house and she rang me at night crying about missing me and that she wanted to come home. I didn't go to pick her up and she slept and today she has been asking if I could pick her up. She is on half term, I cant afford to pay hols club as i don't get any support from XH. So its all down to me. So my sister is helping me out. What would you advise I do, am worried that dd is losing her self confidence as she is such a bubbly girl.....help.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Maybe she is unsettled by sleeping out of the house? OK so in order to see her dad then that's necessary but it seems you could knock all other sleepovers on the head; like the friend you mention, and your sister.

I know your sister is helping out while you're at work but if I am reading it right, your DD doesn't HAVE to sleep there as well?

Many kids never sleep away from home - or very rarely; and she's only young, so maybe it's just too much for her.

And do you trust your ex; are you happy for her to be sleeping there and feel sure he's not scaring her at all? Not suggesting he's abusing her, only that there seem loads of variables involved; is he keeping her up late, having loud adult visitors, anything that could be unsettling her?

[tandos]

Thanx HonoriaGlosop, my sister lives at the other side of town and my concern was that it would be too much for my dd to wake up early in the morning to drop her off and still get to work on time, thats why she is sleeping over at my sister's.

Maybe its a lot for her to take on as you rightly say but she used to be okay with sleepovers, she was sort of independent in that way and she still mixes well with the other kids.

My ex is a bit immature in the sense that he likes having friends around his and entertaining them, that could be unsettling her as she will be lonely and ex not giving her anytime or that one to one attention.

He only sees her twice a month and does not even bother to give her the one to one attention, if I am to change the overnight arrangements he will blame me for trying to distancing him from DD and yet he complains about dd crying half of the night. shock

Thanks for your advise.

[Twiglett]

she's only 7 .. I wouldn't allow sleepovers until she's feeling more confident to be honest .. I think its a blip and she'll get over it given an overly loving and clingy mummy

[thornrose]

I totally empathise with you on this one. My 8yo dd sees her dad on a Sunday every 2 or 3 weeks. He recently suggested she stay overnight which I had reservations about but I felt we had to give it a go.
The next day she said that daddy fell asleep and was snoring really loudly and she cried in her bed because she wanted to come home. He doesn't play with her or know how to communicate with her at all really. We split when she was 12 months old so it's understandable really.
Anyway, next month when she was due to sleep there again she had a complete meltdown at my mums house the day before, sobbing and crying and extremely upset. My mum was really upset by it and agreed that she just isn't ready to stay overnight with him. I spoke to ex and explained as sensitively as possible that it's a step too far right now and pointed out that she is only completely secure sleeping at my mum's house and that it's not at all personal. Sorry this has been so very long, just wanted you to know it's not unusual!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

What twig said.

[NotABanana]

I am wondering if she is feeling insecure since her dad has left, and is wondering if you are going to go too? I would forget all sleepovers until she settles.

[tandos]

Thank you all. I finished work at 5pm, and I went straight to pick up DD, she was over the moon to see me, I was teary . My sister understood but her ds seemed a bit confused, he is 3years old. I decided I will drop dd at my sister's in the morning and pick her up after work- she was ok with that.
As soon as we got home dd said "its nice to be back home" that really touched me. Thank you all for you views, they made think really hard.
It made me realise how sometimes we need to hear others opinions and advise to come up with clear solutions.

DD is fast asleep in her bed now, we had a little chat before bedtime and she mentioned that she would like her dad to give her more attention and not have too many friends around when she is there with him as she feels lonely and she has to watch telly or sit on her own in the other room while ex watches football with his friends (sad).
So that means I have to relay this to ex, OMG the thought of just trying to knock some sense into his thick skull makes me want to scream, coz 99% of the time its like talking to a brickwall, anyway we'll see.

Thanks Twiglet I shall be as donting as ever, until she is a teen & tells me that I am wrecking her flow...hopefully not...hehehe!!

Finally we have agreed (dd & me) that they will not be anymore sleepovers until she settles.

thank you all.

[harpomarx]

feeling for you tandos, have a clingy dd myself (and single mum). You are the one solid thing in her life, she knows you are always there for her and is expressing her feelings.

I would be really peed at ex for having all his friends round like that, it's only 2 weekends a month ffs, surely he could arrange his life differently when she is there?

[tandos]

Yes i do agree,I will talk to ex tomorrow about his friends, am not looking forward to it but its got to be done, ((sad)). Will update then.

[seeker]

My dd has a completely settled life - dp and me together, no worries or anxieties, and she is a confident and happy child But she is 12 - and has only just been able to do sleepovers. The number of times I've been to pick her up at midnight! She was 10 before she was happy for me to go out and leave her beloved daddy to do bed time. I think some of them are just clingier than others. I don't think I did anything to make dd the way she is - and I don't think it's anything you're doing that's making your dd the way she is. It'll get better with time.

Maybe we ought to start a "my child can't do sleepovers club"!

[tandos]

I feel happy and proud that she misses me and thinks of me and I love her to bits, in a way it shows me that she appreciates me.
At the same time I was worried about how it would affect her confidince if she is that clingy, she was not like that before.
But its all I phase I guess and she might be too young for sleepovers so those are ruled out now until she feels ready and we assess.

that club will be a good one. am off to bed now as I have to up early. so will update tomorrow. ta

[harpomarx]

night, tandos, take care of yourself and dd!