TIme Out - I'm really confused about how to discipline 20mo ds...

[boozybird]

so ds has a habit of pinching wit his hand of squeezing things really hard, especially if he's tired. he's started to do it at nursery to the other kids and they are telling me it's a problem. he knows it's wrong, and he says sorry (the word) and will pat or stroke or kiss to make it better afterwards, if asked to do so. He tends to do it if there isn't an adult present, but when caught in the act will not let go!

they told me today that they are using time out with him at nursery, two minutes. firstly, i'm really upset they didn't consult with me first on how to handle it, and secondly, i'm not sure if he's old enough for this to be effective. it's not something we have to do at home really - if he hits or pinches one of us then i will tell him no sharply and put him away from me, ask him to say sorry and to be gentle and then it's all forgotten. i don't understand really how time out works - does that mean he should be put someonewhere on his own for two minutes and be ignored? seems so harsh, he's only a baby and learning the rules...

help i feel really confused and upset and i'm worried that maybe i'm too 'wet' about disciplining him and i'm making it worse because i don't punish him. but do you really punish a baby? feels wrong to me...

tell me what to do!

[boozybird]

obviously i meant 'pinching with his hand or squeezing things...'

fat fingers.

[micci25]

i think it depends upon how mature the child is dd1 was incredibly old at 20 months i used punishemnts with her, i think it was time out but it was for a minute not two and seemed to work untill she was about three she then started to enjoy the naughty corner.

i do think that the nursery should have discussed this with you first though. is he responding at nursery to this punishment? it might be worth following this up at home if he is

[midnightexpress]

I agree with you - time out is ineffective at that age, because I don't think they can really understand why they're being put wherever it is - it's not like they can sit and ponder the error of their ways at that age, is it? I would also imagine that making a huge issue of the behaviour would be more likely to exacerbate the problem than dealing with it quickly and then forgetting it.

I think what you're doing sounds about right for a 20 month-old.

[RubySlippers]

i don't think time outs work on such a young child

get down to their level and say no in a low, firm voice and removing them from the situation is better

if it is any consolation DS went through a terrible phase of scratching, pinching and biting and it did pass

think it is very much part and parcel of toddlerdom

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[boozybird]

I will talk to them at nursery. i think it's not helped by the fact that he only sleeps an hour there if he does a whole day, and at home he's sleep at least 2...

i think the issue is also that i feel like they are singling him out and making it (and therefore him) a problem, whereas i see it as a phase that he will get through with understanding and patience. surely he has to learn the rules before he can live by them, and toddlers don't learn by being told once, but endless times... and it's their job to help him through it succesfully. that why i give them £50 effing quid a day.

ok, spleen vented. i will talk to them nicely.

[worley]

im going through the same thing with my ds2 who is 22mths. he didnt do it until he got badly scratched on his face (he looked like he had been attacked by a cat) and then he kept doing it to everyone, now he hs taken to pushing the others over and nipping.
one of the nursery teachers was making a real big thing out of it as if he was being really naughty all the time, but then i spoke to 2 of the other teachers and she said hes not that bad, and they are all going through this phase all together, its not just him doing it. so not to worry. (there are 7 in his groups all will be 2 within the space of just a few weeks and nearly all of them have known each other scince they 6 mths old)

at home we try the sit on my lap for a minute, no hugs kisses or playing, no tv, just have to sit still till its been 2 mins) now i dont think this works but dp does. he will apologise by giving a huig and a kiss, but he doesnt really understand. at nursery they use the sit by themselves for 2 mins also. i think maybe in another 6 months he will start to understand but for the time being i think its just a phase were going to have to wait to pass.

sorry that was looong!!

[worley]

£50 effing quid!!!
god i though £32.50 was bad enough!!!

[boozybird]

funny you should say about the scratching Worley, as ds had never really done anything aggressive like this until the last week or so - and it was about 10 days ago that he had a really bad bite mark from nursery... it was so bad they made my sign an accident report! so i reckon he's picked it up from there and that they will all do it and it will pass... i've calmed down a bit now. i felt so defensive of him i was nearly in tears at the nursery, i'm going to be crap when he's at proper school and gets a telling off! i'll be one of those mums going up the school and blaming the teachers for the fact that her son's just murdered half the playground...

[worley]

ds2' scratches were so bad the manager rang me up before i was about to go get him towarn me and apologise. i cried when i got him, (they probably arent that bad now thinking about it, but when its your baby... he wasnt bothered at all!!) she had grabbed him by the cheeks and scraped her finger downwards (the pictures are on my photos, as i showed them to my mn friends when it happened as i was so upset)
but i swear hes been like it scince he was attacked first and its given him ideas

[TeeBee]

Displine comes from the word 'disciple' which means to follow. I suggest they demonstrate how they want him to behave, and eventually he will get it without having to be singled out and made an example of. They should have the sense to realise that a child of 20 months is far too young for time outs - not that I agree with the method anyway! I think you are absolutely right - too harsh for him. He is a baby. If he is treated like a naughty child, he will become the naughty child. Good luck, sounds like your instincts and love will see hm though.

[cory]

I think time out has a place for 2 or 3 yos, but not as a punishment, more as an opportunity to calm down when they are too angry to obey. A 20mo seems too young to me. I think you are doing the right thing at home, and the nursery should be able to deal with this.