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agency help with teenager - which one?

(29 Posts)
Tortington Sun 16-Jan-05 22:28:21

my 15 yr old came home stoned and drunk on saturday - and 3 hours late - came in at 9pm.

if i took him to the police am sure they would just turn me away for wasting their time

i phoned connections in the past - their advice was " teenagers do these things"

i even phoned the priest - who said the same as connections

is there any agency at all out there who will take this any more seriously - why isnt any one taking this seriously?

colditzmum Sun 16-Jan-05 22:32:36

Maybe a lot of people don't feel that 9pm is late, and teenagers DO do these things. I did it, and I am not a criminal, or even irresponsible. 15 is nearly old enough to get married.

I know it's not a very helpful thing to say, and of course you would rather he/she didn't do it, just trying to say that might be why no-one is taking you seriously.

jangly Sun 16-Jan-05 22:36:16

Could your gp help I wonder. Perhaps refer him to the child guidance clinic if his behaviour is bad enough?

Tortington Sun 16-Jan-05 23:24:33

9pm isnt late i know, i asked him to come back at 6 as he was going out at 11 am- and i thought 7 hours was long enough to go without making sure he was alive! - at 6 - i would have reviewed it at he could have gone out later.

what is the child guidance clinic - this sounds an option.

thanks for replying

ScummyMummy Sun 16-Jan-05 23:41:29

Have you thought about chatting things thru with parentline, custy? I've heard they are good to chat to about stuff like this and they'd know about other organisations too. What you're saying does sound quite classic in many ways- developmentally you expect one of the major issues at this age to be freedom versus control, apparently. Bet it has it's very own flavour in your house though and if you're worried you need to get reassuarance/advice. Don't forget that you and your son are fabsters though, whatever you do and no matter how rocky things feel. Hope this makes sense. Am full of flu so may well be talking shite but really hope you are ok.

JanH Sun 16-Jan-05 23:43:30

What did he say, custy? Have you been able to talk to him about who he was with and what they did and why?

ScummyMummy Sun 16-Jan-05 23:47:09

Parentline says talk to him about it! Doh!

Still, maybe they're better with specifics?

ScummyMummy Sun 16-Jan-05 23:49:28

Actually it seems like there's some quite good stuff in there, despite slightly obvious tone.

ScummyMummy Sun 16-Jan-05 23:50:07

Not that I know anything about teenager types as a parent, mind.

singsong Mon 17-Jan-05 11:50:19

Is this a ‘one off’ event so far or does he seem to be making a regular habit of such activities? I can remember getting drunk as a teenager and I have a much younger brother and stepsister and I have had to deal with a few of their ‘situations’ as well. I think occasional events like this are very common as part of teenage rebellion and experimentation. I know that doesn’t make it ok but I think it can be seen as a ‘normal’ part of life in our society to some extent. If on the other hand he is making a regular habit of this sort of thing I would be worried about whether he was developing a problem and then I think you need to seek advice (start with your GP who hopefully could point you in the direction of further help). For now I think you need to make him aware of the potential dangers of drug and alcohol misuse. That is so much easier said than done I know. Perhaps you could pick up some leaflets for him aimed at his age group. There is a website \link{ http://www.mindbodysoul.gov.uk\here} aimed at teenagers if that’s any help.

singsong Mon 17-Jan-05 11:51:20

sorry here

jangly Mon 17-Jan-05 12:03:05

Sorry - posted and went to bed last night. Exanmple of what I'm thinking of here. I think all local authorities have them. Would think gp best place to start. here

jangly Mon 17-Jan-05 12:09:29

Or you could phone your local social services department.

fostermum Mon 17-Jan-05 13:03:24

sorry to say this but social services wont want to know either,as in there eyes this is the norm for kids these days,if its not in character for your child talk to him,find out who he was with,try to be calm as soon as you start preaching he will clam up and have a weapon to use in future,encourage him to have friends in so you can keep an eye on him,but to be honest he has to grow out of it

littlemissbossy Mon 17-Jan-05 13:22:11

custardo, your gp could refer him (and you) to a behaviour support unit (different names for different parts of the country) if there are other worrying sides to his behaviour, but agree that at his age, even hospital-based units will put it down to "normal" teenage behaviour, however worrying for the rest of his family. How is he day-to-day?

Cam Mon 17-Jan-05 13:26:09

I think I'd focus on the drinking and smoking as two separate issues for the moment, for 2 reasons. One, I think drunk teenagers can get into more trouble than stoned ones and its probably far worse for their health in the short term. Two, I'd be concerned where the alcohol is coming from as he's too young to buy it himself and then I'd be concerned about the smoking as he may be coming into contact with far worse drugs.I think I would advise that you try to speak to your ds from the point of view of being worried that he could get into trouble with the law. You could point out that if the police become involved it could have long -term consequences for him that you might not be able to help with. Unfortunately its something that you can't take personally because it is his age and peer pressure will win out. Knowing this doesn't stop you being worried sick though.

Tortington Mon 17-Jan-05 15:11:57

phoned parentline they gave me a couple of numbers for ds to phone.

phoned the police - they cut me off twice- am taking that as an omen

went to my county council website as suggested and there is a drug misuse team ( i knew of its existance) there is a families worker who will ring me tomorrow i think.

i think i will make him give up his paper round - thats his only source of income.

i know who he is with - a las wholives almost opposite, i cant come out with " YOU CANNOT SEE HIM EVER AGAIN" can i?

thanks for all your advice.

suedonim Mon 17-Jan-05 16:56:03

Sympathies, Custardo. I think this is a huge problem nowadays and that parents are almost helpless in the face of it - there are very few tactics at our disposal. It's now socially acceptable to behave in this way and youngsters see it all the time so regard it as an everyday occurrence. They do, mostly, grow out of it but tbh, I don't know if there is a 100% guaranteed method of stopping it in its tracks. Keeping the lines of communication open is essential, though.

I wish it was taken more seriously by the govt etc - the latest figures for alcohol showed some horrific rises in liver disease and so on. A friend's 19yo ds is virtually an alcoholic and was recently chucked out of a summer job for sexually assaulting a girl when he was under the influence. Someone in power needs to do something, pdq, about alcohol/drugs.

fostermum Mon 17-Jan-05 17:26:20

no unfortunatly you cant stop him seeing this person as he will do it behind your back if you try,i would think twice about stopping his paper round too,if it where me,as kids will get what they want and if they dont have money they may start to steal to get it{sad]it's just the way it is,all i can stress is try to keep it friendly the more fuss you show the more hes likely to do it again,make sure hes able to come to you to talk when he needs too,and he will,by all means tell him your not happy with his behaviour but try not to make it a battle, it will pass hopefully when he see's your not impresseed!i work for the young person offender unit so see it all the time but when my own did it i realized how hard it is to sit back and stay calm

tigermoth Tue 18-Jan-05 11:54:59

custardo, no advice, but I get the impression you have a close, loving relationship with your 15 year old, when I read your messages in other discussions. You share a lot of jokes and chat don't you? That's got to be good, whatever is happening right now. You seem to have good lines of communication with your son so won't have to start from scratch. Nearly all my friends with teenagers seem to have some drink or joint-smoking horror story, so I know it's a widespread issue

hatstand Tue 18-Jan-05 14:25:47

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I really wouldn't recommend getting an agency of any description involved (which is not to say don't seek advice from people that deal with this). His behaviour is - and I know this might be difficult - "normal" for a teenager. That's not to say it's desirable, but it is, I'm afraid normal. If you get someone else to deal with it you risk him seeing that as you abrogating your responsibilities as a parent to deal with normal behaviour. That could do very serious damage to your relationship. If I were him I would be furious and deeply hurt. This happened to a friend of mine (when he was about 18) whose mum reported him to the police when she found some gear in his room. (even then, more than 10 years ago the police told her they were not remotely interested) He has never forgiven her. I'm not saying ignore it, or don't deal with it. I'm just saying you could really isolate him from you and if you push him away things could get a lot worse.

Blu Tue 18-Jan-05 14:37:04

Custardo, what has he said about the whole thing? Is he sorry? and what do you want an agency to do? Frighten him into more responsible behaviour (police) or help him with his 'problem' (drugs agencies etc) - cos either way from what I have heard from you, you are more than capable of either all by yourself .
I think I agree that the most important thing is that you keep a close relationship and communication with him so that he continues to respect your valuse and point of view. Be understanding enough to find out how it happened, who with, and to enable him to see that he needs to take better care of himself.
I did this - and I'm sure many other MN did too, and while mu Mum was more than emphatic about her views, she kept me close enough and I never went seriously off the rails.
Don't drive him 'underground' - you'll never know what he's up to.

Good luck.
What a little so-and-so!

Tortington Tue 18-Jan-05 16:33:21

so got a family support worker from the drug action team to ring me today and she is going to send me some leaflets and ring me in a week to see how i feel.

thats themost proactive response i have yet.

i understand what your saying hatstand and normal it might be for teenagers but i dont want it to be normal for my teenager and that norm is wrong and illegal. - am not an arsey prudey mum i know my son smokes he doesnt doit infront of me as a matter of respect - but i know it goes on. but getting stoned at 15 is too much. i would even go so far as to say that i myself could normalise the drinking at 15 (i did it!) but not be happy about it - its the getting stoned thing that worries me most.

he is very remorseful ( as always) he knows he is wrong and takes any punishment doled out without any any back chat at all - he knows he is wrong and wont even make excuses. which is good - i had him on dog shit pickup in the garden the other day and he did it without fuss

thanks all for your concern and advice, your right i do have a great relationship with my son and yesterday i apologised to him for being a mad witch over the last couple of days and i didnt cancel his paperround ( its one of the few times he gets his secret ciggie when he is grounded)

so ama lot more calm about it - thanks for your support.

jangly Tue 18-Jan-05 16:52:32

Good luck with it Custardo. At least if he's remorseful he will be more open to support. TBH I don't we should just roll over because they all do it. We're the parents, and we don't want them to do it!

fostermum Tue 18-Jan-05 17:26:47

glad your getting some support,it may be seen as the norm but it doesnt mean we like or agree with it,i fought till i was exhaused with my eldest at 15 when she did it but it only last a month,then it was old hat and boring,each one did it and each time i fought a bit less and now we have foster kids at it,they get told firmly if there gonna do it it wont be in or near my house,as i know i cant stop it and the more i high light it the more they will do it to get the reaction,and they except this,my only thought is that at least with getting stoned theres no violence involved as there is when they drink,but each one has come through the other side.

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