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he is just getting so naughty, it's killing me

(6 Posts)
eeyore123 Sat 15-Jan-05 13:32:22

ds1 is 5 and a half and recently his behaviour has just got so bad it's making me tear my hair out.

I have just finished mopping up in the toilet and unblocking it after me put 4 toilet rolls down there. When I asked him why he said he didn't know. He is now in his room where he is supposed to be thinking about what he has done. Luckily we only have very cheap toilet roll so it must have broken down easily enough.

He has recently started getting very aggresive. Especially towards his baby brother. Little things like squeezing his arm and shouting at him. He wonds his poor sister up something chronic and always has her in tears. He always lies and is totally defiant.

Last night DH took him to McDonalds as a treat and when he got home he was worse than ever before. Totally ungrateful for the fact that even though we can't afford it, we managed to scrape enough money together for him to go there. (not that he understands the value of money I daresay)

I know you will all probably say that is usual boys stuff but it's driving me totally mad.

I don't think I ever really bonded with him properly when he was born. Even now, sometimes he doesn't feel like mine. (I know. bad bad bad mummy) and I swear he hates me. Thats why he does this to me. Sometimes I wish he would just go away. Yes I am a terrible mother. PLEASE help before I end up leaving home

blueteddy Sat 15-Jan-05 14:37:35

Have you considered talking to your health visitor about your problems?
She may be able to offer some advise on things you could do to encourage good behaviour.
Also, you could be suffering from some kind of depression & may need some help yourself.
Children often behave in a negative way for attention & if you are not feeling yourself you are less likely to give him the positive attention, so he may misbehave to get your attention.
Dont be so hard on yourself. None of us are perfect!

moondog Sat 15-Jan-05 14:45:34

Poor you eeyore! Even though I don't know if I can be of much use,I noted this slipping away so wanted to offer a few words of encouragement.

Have you thought about the following...

Are you and dh decided on a common approach to his naughtiness? Whatever it is (punishment, ignoring, whatever) you must make sure that you are reacting similarly. This will demonstrate the boundaries of accaptable behaviour to him and make him know where he stands.

You mention a baby. Could your new addition be the cause of jealousy and resentment?

Similarly money? If you are having a bad time financially, then this is obviously going to affest you in particular, partic. with three children to think about.

Have you talked to his teacher and shared concerns with him/her? I would also advise an appointment with the health visitor. She would take your bonding concerns seriously and could refer you for counselling and/or family therapy.

One of my acquaintances has 4 children and a lot of additional family problems and really felt that the bond between her and her oldest boy wasn't there. She had counselling and a practical package was put together to help her, including taking the boy (who was indeed very naughty) out of school early one day a week so that she could spend some 1:1 time with him. She also had someone from Homestart come to help her out for a couple of hours a week.

A year down the line, things are much better and his behaviour has improved beyond belief.

You're not a bad mother AT ALL. You sound as if things are tough and you have a lot on your plate. You have acknowledged the problems which is a great start. Your next goal must be to tackle them.

Thoughts are with you.

Lonelymum Sat 15-Jan-05 14:57:44

It may be no comfort to you right now, but I have two boys who have been through this: my two eldest are now aged 8 and 7 and I found they went through a phase such as you describe when they just started school. Is your ds in Year One or Reception? Either year group can be very stressful for the children in it. Mine found school very tiring when they first started and the eldest found the adjustment from mainly playing in Reception to more work in Year One very hard too. They wer very tired after school and only really recovered during the holidays. Have you considered this with your ds? Could you get him to bed earlier or try to ensure he is not over tired? Just a thought.

Don't feel bad about yourself as a mother. You are doing your best and no-one can do more. You mustn't think that your son hates you as I am sure that is not true, even if you find it hard to accept him at times. I have even expressed out loud to my children that I would like time without them, so if you are a bad mother, so I am. The way I see it, you were a person before you were a mother, and your children need to understand that. At 5, maybe your son is a bit too young to learn that yet, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't let him know it in a few year's time.

IloveMarmite Sat 15-Jan-05 14:58:13

I'm not usually an advocate of self-help books, but can you get hold of a copy of Toddler Taming by Christopher Green. Much of what he says will not be relevant, but some of his techniques for tackling this kind of thing might be useful. Maybe your local library would have a copy.

shrub Sat 15-Jan-05 15:02:34

hi eeyore123 - i answered on your other post (you have posted this message twice) x

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