Worrying conversation with DS1(7)

[sphil]

DS1 had an argument with a girl in school today about whether he should read something out loud in class. They were working in a group; she wanted DS1 to read it out and he didn't. He told me that he said 'You aren't the boss of me' and felt 'like crying, not out loud but in my brain'.

All OK but then at tea time today he went on to describe how he was going to kill her and her family when he was grown up - in a huge amount of detail. I did the 'reflecting back' thing - "You sound very angry" and also the moral bit " You know it's wrong to kill someone" but he wouldn't budge or even seem to admit that it wasn't anything but a good idea. It's not the first time he's done this, but it's been a long time. He is a very calm, placid child as a rule but occasionally has out of proportion reactions to people who have upset him in some way.

Do typical 7 year olds talk like this? And how should I handle it?

[cosima]

no advice for you, but wanted to bump . maybe you could phone CAHMS for advice

[SNoraWotzThat]

Im not an expert, but when my dcs are cross I get them the draw the situation and scribble all over to show their anger and in a way, it helps them release their anger.

Maybe hitting a pillow or something physical, would help rather than having his thoughts bottled up in his head "in his brain" as he says.

[WigWamBam]

I wouldn't do anything else now. He doesn't really mean it; he's trying to make himself feel more in control of the situation. It may sound alarming but it is fantasy.

I'd say you've dealt with it well but should let it lie now. If it happens again it may be worth addressing at that point but I don't think it's worth doing anything else now.

Make sure, though, that he knows he can always tell you how he's feeling, and that the teachers will listen too.

[Meandmyjoe]

What he said sounds shocking to you now but I'm willing to bet money on the fact he won't actually kill these people in the future! Agree with WigWam, just his way of saying that he's hurt or upset and a way of making himself be in control again!

If it's any consolation I used to fantasise about killing a bully at school when I was about 8, not in any depth I must admit but I really did want her to die

I promise, i haven't killed anyone, she's still alive although SHE is in prison now!

[SNoraWotzThat]

Its is good that he can explain his feelings to you - I agree, don't read too much into it.

In a way he is asking for your advice on how to manage his anger. He must have a very good imagination.

Sometimes I used to encourage mine to shout "I hate XX they have a face like an elephant (or whatever silly image you can imagine)" it sounded so daft shouting it out loud we all used to fall about laughing after 10 mins. And the anger ahd gone.

I am sure you will get some serious advice soon. But I don't see it as a really serious problem, just another thing to help them with as they grow up.

[sphil]

Thanks for the reassurance. He is very imaginative! I like the shouting silly images idea - I think he'd enjoy that.

[seeker]

When my dd was 7 she was made very unhappy by a nother girl in her class. One day she got a party bag that contained a little doll that bore an uncanny resemblance to her tormentor. That night she drowned the doll in the bath. She did this frequently for the next year and it helped her ENORMOUSLY! She is now at secondary school with this girl - who is still horrid - and she keeps the little doll on her special things shelf. The girl has no power over her any more and the doll is like a symbol of that.

Don't know why I told this story, except to say that violent fantasies can be useful!

[Wallace]

My ds1 (8) and several of his friends plot to bomb/blow up/flood their school and shoot their teachers

I think it is normal...

[yawningmonster]

I have seen a method done with an older child that may work of brainstorming ways of dealing with the situation and at first you don't dismiss any that he says like killing the girl etc just get him to come up with others, put a few silly ones in there like putting her on a rocket to the moon. Once you are done just talk about each option and what the pros and cons are eg killing pros she wouldnt do it again cons bad thing to do, would go to jail, sad friends and parents of girl, keep doing this for all the options until you have one that he could actually apply.

[sphil]

Thanks ym - I like that idea and will def try it.