How can I 'ask' exp to leave without upsetting ds1?

[SmugColditz]

Currently exp visits here to see the boys. Lately he has taken to taking the piss out of me, ie I will say that it is ds1's bedtime and he will mock me by copying my voice childishly, or (as this week) I have passworded my computer and he told me to "Go and shag whoever you're shagging on the internet, I know you're fucking hiding something" in frontof the kids.

Now, when he said that I immediately told him it was time for him to go, then ds1 became hysterical, scrteaming, sobbing etc.

How can I explain to ds1 (and soon to ds2) that sometimes although Daddy loves them, he doesn't behave well and I have to make him go?

I feel like my children are being punished for my desire for privacy and his desire to see them.

He can't take them out all the time, I had to give him the money tonight to take them for a macdonalds because I don't actually want to speak to him, and he lives in an entirely unsuitable place for children.

I am trying to set up some mediation with relate, but in the meantime I need a way of dealing with this ... but cutting his very regular and reliable contact would, I feel, upset the children more.

[SenoraPostrophe]

OMG colditz.

if mediation doesn't work, personally I would stop letting him in the house. I think unless he lives in a crack den, visiting an "unsuitable place" somethimes will be less damaging to them long term than is seeing their mother belittled like this by their father. or if his home is really unsuitable, can't social services help?

[catinthehat]

would this sort of thing be relevant to your situation?

[gagarin]

The sort of behaviour you describe is known as domestic abuse. Don't put up with it. If he can't behave like an adult he shouldn't be around your kids

[SmugColditz]

It's not exactly a crack den but it's not far off ... it's a flat share full of alcoholocs and one ex smack addict (who is probably the best o' the bunch!) and someone got booted out for dealing drugs a few weeks ago. It's just 1 single room (which if I know exp will be filthy) with shared toilet and kitchen and I don't want ds1 using that shared toilet.

[SmugColditz]

No, I know it's domestic abuse, and I do try to make sure he's not around my kids on the odd occasion this happens, but really my dilemma is how to make him leave without upsetting ds1, who becomes inconsolable when his dad leaves without warning and with a bad atmosphere.

[SenoraPostrophe]

maybe set an early time for him to leave, but extend if he behaves?

[catinthehat]

[SmugColditz]

i really don't want to take this to a contact centre, because then he will be out of the loop of their day to day lives and to be honest it will take as long to set up as the mediation

[catinthehat]

But you don't want the guy anywhere near you, its upsetting you when he comes to your premises (and by extension your ds). It would be a way of getting him out of your face, and making sure he & DS aren't walking the streets looking for a McD in the rain, with the inevitable outcome that they go to the hovel.

[SmugColditz]

"Walking the streets looking for MacD in the rain"

I live in the Midlands, not Beirut, and I don't insist my children walk the streets in the rain

[SmugColditz]

It's very rare that kickoffs like this happen, and it's not worth cutting contact for UNLESS I can;t find a way of resolving it.

I will consider the contact centre, but really that is a last resort.

[charliecat]

I have this exact problem with xp. Mummys eyeing up the semi naked men(at swimming lessons) was the comment in ear shot of out 7 year old dd.
I also have a good male friend who kips over.
I let my xp sleep on the sofa one night as he had nowhere to go and his first words in the morning to dd2(7) were "Oh you look surprised to see me...more used to are you?"
She said No...lookig at him as if to say WTF.
...waffle...anyway I said if he didnt stop it he couldnt come in and see them he would have to take them out, which is a PITA at half six twice a week. And that he would have to get a b and b to have them overnight. Currently I leave my house every 2nd weekend so he can have them here.
God dont realise how lucky they are...why are you giving him money can i ask? wheres his wages/benefits going?

[charliecat]

Have you spoke to Xp about this without the kids hearing? Can you?

[SmugColditz]

I have spoken to him about this, and he's agreed to go to the mediation aboutnthis

But there is little point extracting promises from him. I too make myself scarce so he can see them here but most of the time I can't, I'm too busy with housework etc.

[charliecat]

Its funny how they can keep comments like that to themselves with every other person on the planet isnt it?
At least hes agreed to go to mediation....

[SmugColditz]

I did tel him he would go to mediation or he would have to go to court for access because I will Have No More Of This.

[VictorianSqualor]

I used to get this from Xdp, oen thing I would do is ignore th remarks etc and say 'ok its bath time' or something that meant taking the kids away, getting them to say goodbye, good night etc, and then kicking him out with threats of the police at some times, when they were out of ear shot.
Sounds harsh but it was the only way I could do it, when DP and I first got togetehr he misheard a friend of mine saying he was 23 and thought they said 53 so called him a paedo god knows how many times and I used to ahve to get the kdis out of the way when he said that bollocks.
It's shit, but we have to try our best.

[SmugColditz]

VS has he stopped now? What do you think made him stop?

I'm starting to think I'm going to have to pay a bouncer to be my boyfriend and look big!

I wouldn't be so angry but actually I DON'T sleep around, even with plenty of opportunity (which I have nnot had)

[1066andallthat]

How often is he there? Is it feasible for someone else to be there instead of you? Is there no trustworthy third-party who could host - an IL?

What is happening now is untenable - I'm only saying this because sometimes I need other people to actually say to me that certain stuff my ex- is doing is UNACCEPTABLE. It helps when the other person doesn't have an axe to grind .

[SmugColditz]

He comes almost every night but I am going to start cutting it down I think. Which I am loathe to do because actually, it means I can go and do my volunteering or maybe get a job

[1066andallthat]

Would that be feasible - he arrives and you go? Or is he looking for a rise from you, because if this is the case, there is nothing you can do, apart from not have him to the house.

[VictorianSqualor]

I stopped allowing him in my house, I told him that if he couldn't treat me with respect in my own home he wasn't coming in, and I would answer the door to him and hand the kids over there (when he actually bothered showing up).

Though tbh it soon became obvious that unless he was getting a cushty little number and visiting the DC's in my home( I mean sitting there with a cup of tea and being offered dinner if it was dinnertime, playing with them for about ten minutes and spending the rest of the time on my back, how easy was that for him?) that he couldn't be bothered. He liked to be able to play at still being a family, and then once the Dc's went to bed he'd go back to being single and piss off down the pub, he had the best of both worlds!

I can understand you being unhappy about doing that though, especially if it means he'll see the kdis less, but I felt it was a path I had to take I couldn't allow him to walk all over me anymore, he did enough of that when we were together.