Anger Management tools for primary aged children. Does anyone do anything like this with their prone to violent outburst child/children and want to share tips?

[foxinsocks]

Ds has always had an issue with frustration. He has improved over the last year or so since we started having lots of serious chats about his temper but in the last few months, he has started having violent outbursts again (he is a lovely, gentle boy but tends to reserve his most violent behaviour for me (or sometimes dh and dd) at home!).

What we did a year or so ago is sit down and ask him how he felt just before he was going to punch/kick/hit and then worked on other ways to deal with those feelings.

That seemed to work for a bit as he could vocalise when he got to that point and then go outside and kick a ball or shout a bit but I am just looking for other tips really.

(and before anyone says 'oh just punish him' - he knows punching/kicking/hitting is wrong but he gets to a place where he loses control of his emotions so just telling him off doesn't work over the long term)

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

Fox I sympathise. I came on here this morning to post a similar thread. For the past three weeks or so, DS aged 4.6 has taken to crying and shouting when he gets frustrated, over the slightest thing. It's got to the point where I just can't bear to be in the room with him sometimes when he goes off on one

I say to him that he is not a baby anymore and needs to speak instead of crying like that, and that is not the best way to get my/our attention as it just makes me/us cross.

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

Also I have tried to think about what has brought on this change in my DS.

In our case his temper tantrums could be linked to missing DSD, who stayed over for three nights over the Easter break, during which time DS was also not at nursery. So could it be a change in routine that has brought back your DS's outbursts?

[foxinsocks]

The winning thing has got marginally better tbh.

The incident this weekend was related to a situation that was actually quite unfair on him and one where I'd expect him to be upset but I didn't expect him to lash out at me the way he did .

I had a horrific violent temper as a child which I learned to control when I was older. When I get angry now, I have to do the counting thing but generally, I get cross and try and talk stuff out (whilst sometimes doing a bit of stomping ).

[TeeBee]

foxinsocks, I have the same issue with my DS and I'm coming to the conclusion that it's stress. He really seems to keep difficult feelings inside - and has trouble verbalising issues he feels strongly negative about. If he has a really rough day at school, we really do know about it! Ds got worse this week after the Easter break and having to get back into the swing of school. Has seemed to settle down again though.

I have been trying to help him verbalise his frustration (and we have a hitting cushion!) and I have also been trying to help acknowledge his angry feelings rather than telling him off for his violent outbursts. I agree with you, there is a lot to be said for not responding in anger to a child who is angry - you will just be teaching his that angry is okay if you are bigger, stronger, etc. Plus it doesn't work. I do think that acknowledging his anger does work. Some days are terrible though and have considered talking to a child psychologist - they do say that violent outbursts is a sign of extreme stress and fear-based behaviour and not to be ignored because they won't heal themselves.

Don't think I can offer much advice, but just to ley you know you are now alone. Do let me know if you do find anything that works. I like your idea of helping him deal with the angry emotions - might try that myself.

[foxinsocks]

I went back to work last year...I do think he has found that very stressful because me and him are incredibly close. He has a nanny, who he adores, but she is stricter than I am and actually, his behaviour has improved ten fold but then, when he loses it (which he is doing less frequently but with more violence iyswim), he really loses it. This is the first incident I can remember for a few months.

The thing is, he is only 6 now and I just do not want this to be a major problem say when he is 10 and much much bigger. He never hurts other children or anyone else other than his 'safe' people (i.e. us!) but I also don't want this behaviour to push into other areas like school so I want to deal with his frustrations.

I might try a hitting cushion. But I'm not sure whether I should encourage any hitting at all or just push the whole 'talking out' the frustrations which does work because he can understand the feeling he gets just before he loses it.

[DrNortherner]

Hi fox, my ds is 6 and much much better at this now. He is still prone to outbusrts, with his dad now and not me (it used to be me a year or so ago).

We now have a zero tolerance policy on any kind of violence. If he hits he goes to his room and we ignore ignore ignore untill he is calm enough to talk.

This has worked for us.

[TeeBee]

Exactly the same with my DS, will only really lose it with me, not DH or anyone else. But DH can't handle anyone else's emotions and often says: 'stop being so angry'. Absolutely ridiculous! I would rather people let out their anger than hold it in - not healthy. I guess our boys may need some help in expressing anger in an acceptable way.

Funnily enough, I read DS a book called 'I feel angry' and we talked about being angry. Found out that he thought feeling angry was not okay. Soon put him straight on that way and this helped us talk about what was and wasn't a good way to show that anger.

Is your DS a sensitive child? Mine is, and really mulls things over. Takes things to heart - probably why he feels intense emotion to things that happen.

Emotionally exhausting isn't it?

[stealthsquiggle]

Reported via DS (5), so probably not v. accurate, but DS's judo sensei apparently talked to them about having an imaginary "angry bag", and that they should take their anger, screw it up in a ball and stuff it in the bag, and then let it all out safely in judo class.

I was a bit personally, but it did seem to resonate with DS.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

And we try and get him to talk about what he is feeling angry about, why he is angry. But to do that we have to get him to stop jumping up and down - that's the hard bit. Usually the what and why's come after he has calmed down.
I think my mistake is getting cross with him because of how his tantrums affects ME - this behaviour is so new and unlike him. I accept he is angry I just have trouble accepting his method of communicating this. But then, he is only 4, and I imagine that his anger must be so overwhelming, that it makes it impossible for him to verbalise.
So I think what I am saying is empathy is the key - what seems rational/irrational for us - is totally meaningless to them.

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

FWIW I don't agree with hitting things. I say this because I witness a teenange lad kick the mirrors off our car outside our house after an argument with his girlfriend I think the key to anger management is to learn how to control it and articulate it in a less destructive way.

[foxinsocks]

Thanks, yes it can be emotionally exhausting but more because I feel sorry for him.

Yes, he's very very sensitive - he got into bed with me last night, in the middle of the night, which he never does and I'm sure it's because he was upset about what had happened! He likes rules and order and doesn't 'get it' when things don't go the way they are supposed to. He is an absolute charmer at school though - completely understands how he needs to behave there but then lets it all out at home. We had a lovely cuddle and chat at about 3am and I think I just need to consider whether this is something we carry on dealing with or whether I ask for outside help for him.

If it's any consolation TheSweetLittleBunny, ds is far better than he was at 4.6. I think starting school and all the tiredness that comes with that make their tempers worse. In fact one mother asked me whether ds was difficult at home in reception and when I said yes, she burst into tears and was so relieved because her son was being the same!

You see, you need cod's angry hands? the patented, award winning method of diverting their anger.

[VanillaPumpkin]

What is Cod's angry hands?

My dd is just 5 and struggles enormously with tiredness now she has started school (in Jan). She is not physical with us too much (though I could see it going that way ) but she just cannot seem to help herself and shouts and screams and stamps and throws things and slams doors and huffs and has occasionally hit out at her sister of me or dh. I will be following this thread for tips.
We try to be calm with her and I get my strength from knowing it is because of her tiredness . It is hard though and I know my family judge me and her bacause of it.
When she has slept well and is fed, she is so very kind and good company and a true pleasure, but when she is tired or hungry she is horrid and cannot control herself....
Will watch thread with interest.
Incidentally I read How to talk so your child will listen etc and this really helped my to look at things from her point of view. Sorry no real advice but lots of sympathy. I think you are doing all the right things...

[foxinsocks]

I think the starting school is a big thing Vanilla. And if you can see a theme to her behaviour (tiredness/hunger) then at least you know why it is happening iyswim. I found ds needed a BIG snack as soon as he came out of school and lots of winding down time.

If she has lots of after school activities, I would look at maybe letting her skip some things so that she can just veg a bit after school whether for her that means watching TV or looking at books or sitting in the garden. I feel for you because I remember that stage and it is very hard work but I do think, if she is the sort of child that doesn't respond well to hunger and tiredness, then you have to just treat her with kid gloves for that reception year (and be firm about your expectations of her behaviour but also realistic in your own mind!) and bide the time till year 1 when they start to get the hang of full time school and all it entails!

I am going to have a chat with ds again tonight and go over the tactics we used to use with him that worked before. I've been a bit lax since I started working and haven't been having our sit down 'chats about our feelings' which we used to do before so I'm hoping that if I start that up, it might give him an outlet that he's been missing iyswim because we used to have hours to talk to each other beforehand and of course, that's gone out of the window now.

[VanillaPumpkin]

Thank you Fox.
I meet her with a banana, raisins or choc biscuit every day at the school door. If I forget we pay for it before we even get to the car . It is very good advice.
I also cancelled her swimming lessons before she started school and won't be starting them again before September at the very earliest...
She has just started a Drama club after school and we had direct fall out from that the day after. It is running for 10 weeks so I hope it will get better.
You are right though that it does help that it is so black and white and I do know why her behaviour is as it is. And she will get used to it and cope better (Vanilla convinces herself!). She just does not stop when she is at achool. I was dressing her every morning for the first half term she was so tired and just could not make any decisions for herself.

Good Luck with the chat. I am sure that will help. The book I read makes a big thing of writing things down when you talk to your children and how children like that. And writing everything even if you think it is silly your child doesn't. Might be worth a try?

[foxinsocks]

That's a good idea actually Vanilla. Ds is a big reader and writer so he would appreciate that I think. I might write him a letter, he would love that and see if he feels like writing one too.

[VanillaPumpkin]

Oh yes that was a top tip in the book. Children LOVE getting letters! Even if they can't read. It is true.
You have reminded me we had a few wobbly days getting dd into school (Thurs each week as v tired by then) and one morning we wrote a note for her to keep in her book bag and look at if she felt sad. She couldn't read it at that point but I told her what it said and we had NO further problems . Any little wobble at dropping off I reminded her about the note and she was fine. Her teacher said she looked at it a few times on the first day, but not again, and it isn't even in there anymore.

[Mercy]

This is interesting. My ds who is 4 has just started trying to kick and punch me.

I thought it was partly a 'boy' thing and also connected to his massive stubborness. I have no idea really tbh.

[cornsilk]

Pets are good to help with the outbursts I think. My ds is like yours I think Fox. When he's having a meltdown we have to wait till after he's calmed down to speak to him about it. We have a houserabbit and I say 'Oh the rabbit was really scared when you were screaming, he doesn't understand etc' and he gets that. Also role play with his teddies.(They also get scared when he's angry!) I would like a dog for this reason but big responsibility.

[allytjd]

My DS1 is ultra well behaved at school, but can have hideous temper outbursts at home, esp. at the weekend, i think he likes the structure at school and the fact that he is with peers who are all at the same stage. At home he usually looses it about changes in plans or meals and his little brothers disrupting things. his brother DS2 is difficult at school and easy at home! I think testosterone has a lot to do with the red mist type violent reactions, aren't boys supposed to have a surge of it around 4 and 8/9?

[gracepaley]

foxy I have only skimmed........but I might have a book that could be of use, I got it for dd2.......let me know if you are innarested. x

[foxinsocks]

thanks grace, yes would love it.

[singersgirl]

Have to go now but am watching this thread with interest as DS1,now 9, is similar. He was terrible in Reception too - had to meet him with snack and drink, and he needed just to sit and watch TV for an hour or so. He is still prone to terrible outbursts, though he is not usually violent. There's lots of door-slamming and screaming though, and I don't always (ever? ) deal with it well. I had a horrendous temper as a child and I know I used to have screaming tantrums until I was scarily old.