How to talk fans ... question/advice please

[LadyPenelope]

Have just re-read How to Talk so kids will listen, and Listen so kids will talk. Have been using some bits over the last year and it does work, so I'm going to be more deliberate and use it more. DH has never read it and I'm also going to find a way to share it with him over the next few weeks.

I have 2 kids - DD 7 and DS 3.

My question is ... I do use time out, and in the book it says you shouldn't. What do you do? Have you found that if you do all the stuff, you don't need to use time out? It would be lovely not to, but find it works, particularly with my DS when he's having tantrum, or has been given warnings and still does something. Gives him time to calm down and find he usually comes out again later. Ocassionally use with DD too, although not much these days - just time to cool down really.

What works for you?

[Othersideofthechannel]

I like this book, dip into it regularly.

We don't use time out. (Couldn't get DS to stay there without physically pinning him to the wall so it either turned into a fight or a giggling match.) So we didn't even try with DD.

But when DS was 3 and 4 he used to regularly take himself off to his room to calm down when he was angry or felt guilty about having done something wrong. He was free to come and go so it wasn't imposed on him. Once whatever damage he had done was dealt with, I would go and sit with him for a bit. Sometimes it was a good moment to talk about what went wrong.

HTH

[LadyPenelope]

Thanks othersideofthechannel.

Wondering whether to ditch it myself but it does seem to work - but against the ethos of "cooperation" I suppose.

Anyone else got thoughts?

[Othersideofthechannel]

If a child chooses to take himself away to calm down, then I think it is fine.

I used to suggest it to DS sometimes if I thought he needed it and he hadn't thought of it. There were only a couple of times when he said he didn't want to go and I didn't force him to go. That way it becomes just one solution to the problem.

You can also use the calming down time to suggest he thinks of ideas to try to avoid the problem occurring. 'Problem solving' as the book calls IIRC.