This is very long, but if anyone has the time, I would appreciate your opinions. Have been trying, and failing,not to worry about this for over a year.

[perpetualworrier]

Last July I wrote the following letter to our GP. DH persuaded me not to send it, but I found a copy today and find that I am still concerned about all the issues.

Dear Dr

RE DS1 age 6 (now 7,yr 2)

I am writing regarding my son, as I have a number of concerns regarding his development. I have decided to refer to you in writing in the first instance, as I am reluctant to discuss these matters in front of him and also, I suspect that I would forget most of what I wanted to say if I came in for an appointment!

Firstly, I am concerned about his motor skills. His reading and verbal communication is excellent and I am advised he is well ahead of the targets for his age group in these areas. However, he is finding writing very difficult and really cannot master the correct pencil grip. He finds it practically impossible to use a knife and fork and things such as buttons are a real challenge for him. He is very reluctant to participate in the usual exercises for improving these skills, such as threading beads, lego etc. and positively refuses to draw or colour. As far as gross motor skills are concerned, although I don't think we have a future sporting star, he can swim, use a two wheel scooter and can throw and catch a ball reasonably well, though he is loath to do so. He is struggling to ride a bike.

My second concern is his social development, as he somehow seems a little out of kilter with his peers. He can converse well with adults, if a little shyly at first. He is often described as friendly by other adults and if we visit friends or go to the park etc, will always find someone to play with and they will play well together. However, he does not seem to have certain friends who are important to him. He likes to go to places where there will be other children to play with, but does not seem to care who they are. At school he has attached himself (the SENCO's words) to two girls who are academically far below him and not at all articulate. At Beavers his best friend has learning difficulties and amongst my friends? children, by far his favourite is a boy with a severe speech delay. Whilst these are all lovely children and I am not at all surprised that he likes to play with them, I and his teachers are surprised that he does not also play with children who are as lucid as he is.

He also has a few idiosyncrasies in behaviour; he dribbles a lot, makes loud screeching noises in the course of his play and laughs loudly in a way that sounds forced. He doesn?t seem to engage in imaginative play in the way that his younger brother does. He has a strong dislike for any show of affection. If another child puts an arm around him, he looks horrified, he pushes away goodnight kisses from his parents and would have to be badly hurt before he wanted a cuddle, although is calmed by a cuddle in that circumstance. He does however, like to hold hands if we are out for a walk.

This all sounds very negative and this is not at all the way I feel about my son. He is very happy, always goes to school and comes home again with a smile on his face. He fully participates in games at Beavers and the Church Kids Club he goes to. We have no issues regarding bad behaviour and other adults we meet often tell me what a lovely child he is. He eats and sleeps well.

I don?t really believe that there is anything seriously wrong, but the school have raised concerns regarding his lack of progress in writing, in comparison to his clearly apparent intelligence. I have also had complaints from the school regarding inattentiveness. I just don?t want to be in a position in a few years time, where I am told I should have asked for help for him sooner.

I appreciate that you are not going to make any diagnosis without seeing him, but would value your advice on what, if anything, I should do next.

Yours PW

The only thing that has changed, is that he has now formed friendships with 1 boy and 1 girl with similar communication abilities to him. I still find his concentration a challenge, although his teacher doesn't - I suspect this is because she is a better than last year's.

Thank you if you got to the end. Does anyone have any advice.

[NotABanana]

Oh, I can't believe you have had this for a year. I worried about my DD for 10 months and it is so taxing.

I have no experience of what you are describing but tbh it does sound like he could do with a bit of support.

Maybe he feels unconfident and that is why he has palled up with some other children with different behaviours.

I am really worried that this is coming out all wrong but please be assured I am sympathetic and would say always go with your gut feeling.

[thisisyesterday]

PW, I would send the letter, and make an appt to see the GP.

could be that he is completely fine, could be that he has some problems.
if he is fine then all well and good.
if he isn't then you'd be doing him a service by getting him any appropriate help asap.

the writing thing reminds me of my brother a lot, who is dyspraxic. he was always accused of being inattentive, and clumsy at school too, and didn't have a lot of friends.
obviously this is only anecdotal, but it just rang bells with me.

[thisisyesterday]

sorry, as well as the writing db also has/had probs with buttons, cannot use a mirror (still!), couldn't tie an apron behind his back etc etc

[lucyellensmum]

PW - i think you should send the letter, whats the worse that could happen? You might find out that your DS is developing more quickly in some areas than others and that this is fine and he will even out eventually and find his own way (most likely). Otherwise you might find out that there is a problem that can be addressed. I have to say that when i read the post i did think along the lines of dyspraxia. But to be fair, i have NO experience of this other than looking into this with regards to my DDs speech delay. That is the only thing, dyspraxic children often have speech delay because they cannot manipulate their tongues etc, you wee lad doesn't have this? Why not take a look at one of the websites, ask on the SN board as there will be mums with lots of experience in this. There are lots of exercises etc that can be done etc that help with this condition so specialist help would be a good thing.

Saying all that, im not experienced in this at all so its very easy to read something that isnt there so please don't worry. But then you already are worried, you can solve that by taking the letter along with you to the GP so he/she can review your concerns.

The positive thing is that the school seem less concerned now.

Hope you manage to sort things out

[perpetualworrier]

Thank you for your responses.

The reasons I haven't sent the letter are :

1. DH tells me I worry too much (which is is true) and he's not concerned. Is happy to let DS1 be himself and accept the fact that he has some things which make him different (special? )
   
   2)If there are problems, they are minor (in relation to children with "real" SN) so unlikely to be any real support available?
   
   3)In order to get any diagnosis, presumably, I will have to subject him to a number of tests designed to highlight his "shortcomings". He is a very confident boy ( confident in his own ability, if not outgoing) and I don't want to do anything to damage this.
   
   4)Social side of things has improved a lot this school year.
   
   Does anyone know what is likely to happen next if I send the letter?

[HonoriaGlossop]

The GP could refer to a paediatrician if he thinks it warrants investigation.

Or in fact if school have raised concerns, THEY could ask the Educational Psychologist to see him; I believe the school may get a visit every term or so and can refer children they'd like to be seen. It could be just that the Ed Psych observes your DS from a distance, or they may do an assessment after asking for a form to be completed by you and his teachers, explaining his difficulties. This is what happened with us.

If he does have problems, even 'minor', it's still worth knowing. My ds' probs are minor but even so they've put him on the list for OT/physio, so there may well be help available.

Having said all that, what you describe in your letter doesn't sound out of the realms of normal though his motor skills sound alot like DS', (who was suspected to have dyspraxia but doesn't, he DOES have hypermobility in his joints though which makes muscle control delayed). The rest of the stuff you mention wouldn't seem as I say, out of the realms of normal

[lucyellensmum]

Sorry, as i said, i have no experience further than my own worries for DD.

I spoke to the HV as she was only 18m at the time, they did a development check and tbh they werent overly concerned. I was absolutely paranoid that she had autism. (i should say that i suffer with an anxiety disorder so i worry about EVERYTHING) and they told me they really didnt think so, but they reffered me to a peadiatrician anyway.They put the ball in my court, gave me the option to watch and wait or refer straight away. What happened was - we took DD, i was less worried by that point as she had moved on faster than the good old NHS, but they PUT MY MIND AT REST, so i didnt need to worry anymore. So i guess your GP might go the same route.

I am in total agreement, as i am sure you are, with your DH, of course you dont want to change anything about your lad. Why would you?? But if there are some issues there (no matter how slight) that can be helped out simply then it would be unfair not to intervene at a young age, as these issues may well become a source of frustration for DS as time goes on.

I would hope that there would be support if there were even tiny issues, but of course i know we dont live in ideal well funded world, but you would be armed with all relevant information that you need.

I would also hope that any diagnostic tests would be designed so as not to make your lad feel bad about himself - would be very if this were the case.

Most importantly, you have said things are improving, thats fantastic, also, your DH is not concerned, a good thing too - but isnt it worth then, putting your own mind at rest too

Take it from me, a born worrier, i feel so much better when i put another worry to bed.

[Orinoco]

Message withdrawn

[marmadukescarlet]

You will probably get a referral to an OT/Ed Psych clinic for an assessment for Dyspraxia. They will run a series of tests from non-verbal reasoning to throwing a beanbag and balancing on one leg.

My DD has similar difficulties and has a particular perchant for friends with Aspergers, as she finds NT children too trying. She is naive compared to her peers and does not have a best friend, but drifts around the edges of several groups.

Try not to worry, maybe see your GP with the letter (without your son) for first appt. I actually found my GP to be of little or no use and ended up self refering to private practitioners for answers.

[sorkycake]

I would ask for a referral to a Paediatric OT (I am one).

[moodlumthehoodlum]

My dcs are younger than yours, but I can see that you would worry, and also, my DH would have the same reservations as yours.

But, put simply, (and I have no idea what they would say), if you are able to control what happens, who sees him and how, and then it turns out that you can help him, then it would be a shame to not find that out. (sorry not terribly simply, but ykwim) So, send it, deffo. And keep posting because everyone here is very helpful with little things that could help him on a day to day basis.

[gagarin]

GPs are not really the world's experts in developemntal issues with school age children but will hopefully refer you to the local community paediatrician/school doctor service who deal with these issues all the time.

Send a copy to the school nurse c/o the son's school (they'll hand it on).

If you are worried then do send it.

[perpetualworrier]

Thank you again you lovely people.

I will sleep on it and probably send the letter tomorrow.

The school are not concerned. DS1 has regular contact with the SENCO, as he goes to her as part of the talented and able group for his reading. She has expressed concerns regarding his awkward pencil grip, but never suggested any special help, other than practise. She said (c. 6m ago) her main concern was the limited amount (volume) of written work he produces, rather than any physical difficulty. I got the impression she thinks he is a bit lazy, which I tend to agree with, but I also think one reason he doesn't want to do this work, is that he genuinely finds it very difficult. She was not concerned at all about his other behaviour, other than to say that his choice of friends was "surprising".

[NotABanana]

Did you send the letter?

[perpetualworrier]

Thanks for asking Banana. No, I haven't sent it yet, but I did change the date, up date it a bit and print a fresh copy! I'm still worrying and dithering, my 2 greatest talents

TBH, I'm a bit scared that we might set off a rolercoaster we can't get off. Also, I'm concerned about how the school will react if I start all this without their support.

[NotABanana]

Don't worry about the school. This is your child, not theirs.

Send the letter.

My DD was left for months as the GP kept saying all was well and I so wanted to believe him but I just couldn't shake this fear. I just wish someone had suggested I get a second opinion.

We ended up going to Harley Street and she is all fine now. Hers was a physical problem.

[callmeovercautious]

I suggest you and DH go to the GP and leave DS with a friend. Take the letter with you and use it as a crib sheet - and leave a copy with the GP.

I have found that by writing things down before I go I make sure I cover all my concerns and don't get so worried about how much time I am taking up.

Your DS sounds like a really lovely Child in so many ways, I really hope it is just a personality trait that he will manage in his own time

[luckylady74]

In my experience schools are pleased when parents start the ball rolling because they are paid more attention than teachers - this from my friends who are both primary teachers.
My dswas dx before he started school with aspergers.My ds1 has some things in commen with your ds and like yours has improved dramaically over the past yr or so eg when he started in reception he'd never spoken to another child,now he has 'friends' and his speech is less grammatically confused.
His dxhas meant an acceptance, inclusion and support from the school that I don't thinkwould have happened so easily without it.
I truely believe information is power - how can you help if you don't know the problem, or if indeed there is actually a problem in the first place?

[Janni]

Hmm

I'm not a t all sure this is a matter for the G.P. It doesn't, to me, sound like there is anything 'medically' wrong with your DS. He is, perhaps, a late developer in some areas, but is doing fine in others.

I would watch and see. I would talk to his teachers and the Head if you are really concerned. I would avoid 'medicalising' any of this.

He sounds like a really lovely little boy

[selee]

He sounds a lovely little churub. If you are worried then go back to the school and have another discussion....? I really am not sure what to suggest sorry!

[perpetualworrier]

See Janni, that's what I'm concerned about. "medicalising" Great word!

He is clearly a bit "different" but I'm not comfortable with the way that has to be a problem. That said, I will feel terrible if it turns out there is a real problem he could have bee helped with and I left it too late.

[NotABanana]

The thing is, if he does have additional needs seeing the GP will start you on the road to helping him and you all understand them and what he might need to help him live his life to the full.

You have worried about this for a year and you clearly need to do something for your peace of mind if nothing else.

[madamez]

I would also be worried about this tendency to medicalise difference and enforce conformity. Why is it anyone else's business if he doesn't have 'best' friends? He's not kicking and biting all the other kids constantly and he's capable of friendly interaction: his emotions are surely his own business. Some people are just more reserved and self-contained than others, which is not a bad thing.
It might be worth getting the writing issue looked at as that may prove a problem later, but as to the rest of it he sounds fine.

[TinySocks]

You have to trust your instincts. I would try and get help for your DS.

Regarding your worries:

"1) DH tells me I worry too much (which is is true) and he's not concerned. Is happy to let DS1 be himself and accept the fact that he has some things which make him different (special? ) "

Sometimes Dads and extended family tend to brush off worries, this is very common. Your DH is not doing your son any favours by not getting him the help he needs.

"2)If there are problems, they are minor (in relation to children with "real" SN) so unlikely to be any real support available?"

It doesn't matter how minor they are, these problems are likely to have an impact on his future. If they are minor then it means he will need very little help to get things sorted, but he still needs help, the problems won't just disappear.

"3)In order to get any diagnosis, presumably, I will have to subject him to a number of tests designed to highlight his "shortcomings". He is a very confident boy ( confident in his own ability, if not outgoing) and I don't want to do anything to damage this."

I don't know how the system works in the UK, but my niece (who lives in a different country), had some similar issues at school, there was no diagnosis involved, just some excercises from an educational psychologist and she is perfect now. If he is having trouble with his motor skills then this could hinder his confidence eventually more than having some tests done now.

"4)Social side of things has improved a lot this school year."

That is great news, but what about the other areas that he has trouble with.

[anchovies]

I think you have to do something if it is worrying you. There is no problem in asking the question, knowledge is power whether or not there is something wrong. A year is a long time to have had these concerns and not be reassured.