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My six year old is kicking and hitting me

(22 Posts)
FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 11:31:49

I've just taken my children out for cake and a drink. My ds who is 6 has been in a funny mood this morning but was well-behaved in the coffee shop. I then took the to Woolworths to have a look at the toys. He and his sister wanted some stickers so I said I'd get a pack between them. While I was queuing to pay, I saw him take a pick and mix sweet and eat it. I put the stickers down and marched him out of the shop. He then proceeded to hit and kick me as we marched back to the car. I'm so upset and depressed - he's saying he wants to leave, he hates me. ffs he's six. when i was six, i loved my mum to bits. where have i gone wrong.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 11:36:12

You have my sympathy FRN, my 7 yr old dd is very much like this lately. Basically if she doesn't get her own way she will tell me she hates me, say she is going to move out etc etc, she even said, the other day that she wouls set one of her frineds on me, which actually made me laugh hysterically.

I don't think you have gone wrong anywhere.
Have you asked him if there is anytihng in particular upsetting him ??

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 11:40:22

I don't know if it's present overload or what it is - he's just come in to make his peace but I feel very shaken. He's such a strong boy and I literally had to manhandle him into the car to get us home (i've got two younger children). I can't do that for much longer. He just goes totally wild when he's cross. I feel out of my depth completely.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 11:43:46

Yes it is amazing how strong they are isn't it. I sent dd to her room the other day but she refused to go and so i had a hell of a job getting her there.

I can understand how upset you feel though, it is hard when they behave like that towards you.

Has he apologised ??? Make sure he explains why he is apologising so you know he understands that what he did was wrong.

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 11:53:24

Thanks nutty, it just helps to write it down doesn't it? But what on earth do you do when they just flatly refuse to do as you've asked? It's the kind of question I want to ask my Mum but she died last year .

WideWebWitch Fri 31-Dec-04 11:54:39

You haven't done anything wrong, he's normal, it's testosterone and frustration. No time, will come back later

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 11:56:33

I'd really appreciate that.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 11:57:53

Oh dear sorry to hear about your mom

If i am honest i am struggling with all 3 kids lately as they are all testing my patience.

I have been trying to find a parenting course for ages now but am banging my head against a brick wall i think.

It is hard to know what to suggest as i'm having trouble my self, but I have started to take some of dd's possesions away from her if she refuses to do as she is told or does something she shouldn't. She currently doesn't have her stereo in her room anymore because of her behaviour. Trouble is i don; think she is that bothered.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 12:01:16

This site ay be useful to you parentline

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 12:02:41

That's the thing, it's finding the thing they ARE bothered about. We've been using the pasta jars (as recommended on MN!) and they'd actually been working very well for ds as he's a greedy little so-and-so but I think Christmas and his Birthday (straight after Christmas) have led to greed overload. I'd be very keen to do a parenting course too - blimey, I'd be keen to do anything if it would help. Just think about when they'll be teenagers

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 12:03:54

That's a really useful link, thanks .

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 12:07:43

I have just emailed parentline because again they don't seem to do any classes in my area. Anybody would think i lived in the middle of no where.

Dd1 already acts 7 going on 17 so god knows what she will be like as a teenager

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 12:11:41

They were looking for more families to go on Little Angels - would you do that? I'm too chicken .

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 12:18:48

I am very very tempted believe me , think i'm too chicken too though. Scare they wil rip my parenting to bits i suppose.

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 12:21:25

Although if it had a positive result at the end...I know what you mean though.

Thanks for helping - am off to make lunch. ds has been very quiet for a while so hopefully he's calmed down enough to have a chat.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 12:36:52

Yes i must go and get ready to go to asda, hope the rest of your day goes smoothly

WideWebWitch Fri 31-Dec-04 13:20:01

Hi FRN, I'm back, will try to find some old threads for you in a minute but reading your first post again, I think he's testing you. Nope, he didn't like the fact that you left the shop and he didn't get his stickers but he did something naughty and you punished him for it, which is fair enough. He didn't like it, reacted with testosterone raging and decided to show you how he felt, big time! Did you give a warning? I just wonder because my son can completely go off on one if I don't give a warning (I know you can't always), and it's a case of managing his expectations or he'll lose it sometimes. Even now and he's 7. He doesn't hate you, he loves you, but he didn't like not getting his stickers. However, it's totally unacceptable to react like that and you need to keep telling him that until he gets it. Is he tired? Was he hungry? Those times can = tantrum I find. But sometimes it's not about anything other than he didn't like something you did. Anyway, I've found some old threads and posted links below, there's a lot of reading there but I hope there's something that strikes a chord and works with your boy. I think their emotions frighten them sometimes, I bet he cuddles you later. Don't think you're a bad parent though, it sounds normal to me. The hardest thing I find is keeping calm but good luck. I hope there's something in there that helps. Some threads are ones I started begging for help and others are ones I remember because I posted on them. Let us know how you get on, won't you?

Here's something I posted a while ago, cut and pasted:

<The gist of most of them is though:

- Ignore bad behaviour and you're doing this
- Praise good behaviour. Agree, a star chart is a good idea. I like them.
- Stay calm (impossible all the time IMO and E!)
- Don't let bad behaviour get him anywhere or ever get him what he wants. My ds says "I know, Bad Behaviour never gets me what I want." (as he strops off!)
- Distract if possible and if you see it coming. Doesn't always work at this age though but sometimes worth a go.
- Make things into a game or race i.e. bet you can't get upstairs before me. This still works with my 7yo.
- Exercise! Boys are like dogs sometimes imo, they need a lot of exercise and to run off that energy and testosterone.
- Controversial but we had a behaviour book as well as a star chart for good behaviour. I just couldn't let violence go unremarked so bad behaviour was written down in a book and 3 things written down= something taken away, like a treat or Playstation or something
- Talking of which, too much PS2 caused some of my son's bad behaviour I'm sure. Does yours play it? I don't think they can cope with it sometimes. Good luck.>

I got loads of advice on this thread, I know it's about 4yos but a lot will still be relevant and here's another 'difficult 5yo thread and a difficult 4yo thread . Will post some more links if I find any other good threads.

WideWebWitch Fri 31-Dec-04 13:24:21

And I'm not looking forward to having a teenager either! My son is a joy 95% of the time but when he's not, eewww!

FlashingRudolphNose Fri 31-Dec-04 13:34:42

www, I really appreciate you taking the time to come back and post. Yes, he's calmed down, cuddled me and apologised, but TBH today's incident really shook me up and made me realise that I've got to get a grip before he gets a lot bigger. Your "boys are like dogs" comment is so true! I'll have a good trawl through those threads tonight.

Thanks again .

PaRumPumPumScum Fri 31-Dec-04 13:47:14

WWW- you are so brilliant on this sort of problem.

FRN- just wanted to add that you really, really. really mustn't take "I hate you" as either the truth or as a sign that you're a bad parent. There's a school of thought which says that if your son feels safe enough to say that to you when he's in a rage, you're doing something right, odd as that may sound. Understandably, many parents take that kind of comment extremely seriously and are very hurt by it but the way forward seems to be to treat it as matter of factly as any other bad behaviour, if you can.

Nutcracker Fri 31-Dec-04 16:09:32

Just to let you know that Parentline emailed me back about the classes. They aren't doing any in my area at present but i can have telephone support from them if i wish.

Was very pleased at how quickly they got back to me given the time of year.

tigermoth Sat 01-Jan-05 10:15:38

definitely agree that the phrase 'I hate you' is not one to take at face value. IMO it can mean your child feels very safe with you, so freely expresses their passing thoughts. (If I remember rightly, it children who are unusually withdrawn can have suffered child abuse).

BTW going back to the original message, Woolworths seems to bring out the very worst in my two. The tantrums I have suffered in and around this chain of shops! I blame it on that explosive mixture of sweets (esp pick and mix), fizzy drinks, toys, DVDS, etc all under one roof. I always steel myself before we enter.

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