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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Am I being unreasonable or is my friend?

42 replies

MrsCarps · 25/03/2008 20:33

Hi - I'm new to mumsnet but feel the need to get some helpful hints from others who may have been in the same boat.

Also - worth noting that I'm pregnant so probably a bit sensitive - apologies all.

I'm really good friends with someone who I met at a baby club with my first child. Her daughter is practically the same age as my son (age 2).

Lately my friends daughter has taking to hitting and mostly it seems to be directed at my son. My son is generally very placid and easy going.

My friend doesn't discipline her daughter when smacking so she continues doing it. Lately my son has started retaliating.

I find myself constantly having to watch his back and disciplining him when he hits back. I feel that he is being punished when really he shouldn't be. Also - my friend has now started commenting on how naughty my little boy us.

There's quite a few of in this group of friends and I don't want to split us all up with this. Also - when my next child arrives I would really appreciate the support of this group of friends. What should I do?

Sorry for rambling but been in tears about this today.

OP posts:

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MadameCh0let · 25/03/2008 20:36

She must be blind!!

Make seemingly innocent comments such as "no hitting you two".

I've been in your shoes and it#s a tightrope. I had a very good friend whose dd was much more 'assertive' shall we say than my own. But things changed. Her dd is now really well-behaved and mine's an awful brat now

SenoraPostrophe · 25/03/2008 20:37

well, "discipline" is a very strong word to use in relation to a 2 year old, unless you just mean a strong "no" ?

Your friend has probably noticed your reaction to your son's behaviour rather than the behaviour itself, so I wouldn't necessarily blame her as such. I'd just start saying "no" to her dd.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/03/2008 20:37

Just say that you are afraid that unless she takes control of her daughter and tells her to stop hitting your son you cannot and will not stop him from defending himself but really would much prefer if he did not have to at all.

SenoraPostrophe · 25/03/2008 20:38

chocolatepeanut - you're having a laugh aren't you? did you read the bit in the op about not wanting to fall out?

MrsCarps · 25/03/2008 20:42

I've tried to shrug it off and say that they're both as bad as each other so as not to apportion blame. I tell them to play nicely etc. I'm so frustrated though that my son keeps having to have 'time out' when his attacker gets off scot free.

OP posts:

TurkeyLurkey · 25/03/2008 20:46

I would do something like when hitting begins go over and say something light like "come on you two, none of that today" and then pick your DS up and distract him into doing something else away from this girl.

It doesn't have to major show or anything, just removing him from her for a few moments.No need to show that you're cross or angry or whatever, just be matter of fact about it. Most kids go through the hitting stage and most defo no need to split your group of friends up, as you say they'll probably be invaluable support when you have your next one.

SenoraPostrophe · 25/03/2008 20:47

so stop giving him time out then. It's not really appropriate at 2 anyway.

TurkeyLurkey · 25/03/2008 20:48

Meant to say I'd distract and remove him when she starts on him so he doesn't get the opportunity to retaliate..needs you to watch like a hawk though....

LittleBella · 25/03/2008 20:50

Agree with Senora. Stop punishing him, just tell him that "when xxx hits you darling, you mustn't hit her back".

Or is that too pointed?

Umlellala · 25/03/2008 20:51

I am trying to teach my 2yo daughter to say 'don't push me' and to move away when her little friends are being aggressive thugs [PFB parent emoticon] .

But agree with TurkeyLurkey that distraction is prob best when he is only doing it because she did it!

Niecie · 25/03/2008 20:52

I think I would start telling the girl not to hit, myself. I have a similar situation with DS2 when he plays with one particular boy. I step in before DS2 has a chance to retaliate and just say to the other little boy, no hitting, and then distract my DS.

I also have to put up with the other mother saying that DS is as bad as her son too, by the way. It is very irritating because more often than not DS just cries and doesn't retaliate to the hitting at all. He never instigates it so it is annoying her trying to deflect from her DS's bad behaviour by tarring my DS with the same brush.

Yes, most children grow out of hitting other children but surely that is because they are told it is wrong.

Orinoco · 25/03/2008 20:52

Message withdrawn

MrsCarps · 25/03/2008 20:52

Thanks for the advice. I think time out works really well for my DS. Don't do it for long but it just chills him out and me as well. I think I need to lighten up a bit though when it's not all his fault.

Really good advice TurkeyLurkey about removing him - I think you're right. There's no easy answer. At 8 months pregnant it's difficult keeping up with where he's at but I think it's the answer.

OP posts:

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/03/2008 20:53

Sorry she doesnt sound like much of a friend.OP has been in tears and her son is being bullied and this woman is not only allowing it but blaming her son for bad behaviour.Poor little boy.

Sometimes the obvious needs pointing out

Umlellala · 25/03/2008 20:53

LOL littleBella!
I certainly don't think there is anything wrong in gently reminding the girl 'no hitting' when she does it.

MrsCarps · 25/03/2008 21:03

Niecie - that's just the problem I'm having. I can almost cope with her being naughty, like everyone says, it's what 2 year olds do. It's just the latest comments about my ds being naughty - it's getting on my wick.

I have told her off in front of her mother and apologised for it and in the past my friend has thanked me for intervening. However, lately, my friend seems to be burying her head in the sand.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 25/03/2008 21:06

another option is when your dc is hit to go up to him and say "you got hit, hitting hurts where can I kiss it better?" making the point that he got hurt, giving him positive attention and ignoring the bad behaviour?

jollydo · 25/03/2008 21:09

I think Umlella's idea of giving your ds an idea of what he can do if he's hit instead of hitting back is good - either saying "no" or "don't hit me" or coming to find you. Also what others have said about stepping in as soon as you see the girl hit your ds to give him a cuddle and distract him with a nice toy.

notnowbernard · 25/03/2008 21:11

Don't agree that 2yr olds are capable of bullying!

I used to tell dd1 to say "don't hit me" too

Get the assertiveness training in early

Distract otherwise (for 2yr olds)

laurz75 · 25/03/2008 21:14

Sounds like your friend isn't dealing with her child's behaviour for some reason. I had the exact same situation and I used to gently intervene and tell my ds and his friend together that "We don't hit, its not nice". My friend was going through a rough time with her husband.
I think you've had some good advice here but definitely disagree that you cannot discipline a two year old. You absolutely can and I use the 'time out' to great effect too.

LittleBella · 25/03/2008 21:16

I think if she says he's naughty again, just say "no he's not naughty, he's 2 and he's been hit so he's hitting back. They do that, if we don't stop them, don't they?"

You don't need to say it aggressively or anything, you can just be matter of fact about it. It'll make you feel better if you stand up for your DS - it sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to make sure he's seen as a "good" boy and you're seen as a responsible hands on parent who takes discipline seriously (unlike her casual and irritating approach) and her comments are needling you because it's exactly the opposite of what you've been trying to achieve.

itsahardknocklife · 25/03/2008 21:20

I would try madamecholet's idea of saying 'no hitting you two', and then if it continues, tell the girl directly to stop. If my son, who is also a toddler, hit another kiddie, I would not mind another parent saying that to him (as long as it wasn't shouted).

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CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/03/2008 21:31

Sadly two year olds are capable of bully type behaviour

I hope you can resolve this one and good luck with your pregnancy.Not long to go now!!

notnowbernard · 25/03/2008 21:34

In what way, ChocolatePeanut?

Does a 2yr old really have thinking that is sophisticated enough to wage a campaign of deliberate, intentional and targeted hostility?!

IME they just smash and grab!

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/03/2008 21:39

I think some two year olds are capable of knowing what is right and wrong and hit with the intention of hurting,repeatedly

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