DS (5) terrible behaviour at school but lovely at home...help!

[hellsbells76]

Sitting here nearly in tears...just looked at my 5 year old DS's contact book from school and apparently this week alone he's (a)hit a child in the face with his lunchbox (b)'refused to work' several times and (c)'shown his genitals' to another little girl. i'm horrified and don't know what to do. all i ever seem to hear from that school is that he's disruptive, fidgety, can't concentrate, etc etc. at his last parent's evening it was a long list of complaints about him (and a couple of catty remarks about how they can never talk to me about it because i work full time and don't pick him up at 3:15...well sorry i have to earn a living!) i can't think of anything positive they've ever said about him, but i don't recognise this child they're describing! i'm really not being all pfb but at home he's chatty, affectionate, thoughtful, lovely with his baby sister, can concentrate for hours on drawing/colouring/lego...the after-school club leader always tells me how bright and well behaved he is there too.

we've had a rough time of it lately to be honest, my partner (not his dad) was abusive to me and very short-tempered with him and i told him to leave last week. i suppose he could be 'acting out' at school. but he's seemed so much happier since my ex left (well, we all have been...)

i spoke to him about it this evening and explained that this behaviour was not acceptable, also stressed what a good boy he is with me and why can't he be the same at school? am worried that it's something to do with the school environment that's bringing out the worst in him.

i'm going to ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss it but wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar or had any advice on how to deal with the situation?

[keeplaughing]

Haven't got time for much but try not to worry too much - I bet lots of the boys are like this. We got hauled into school because of DS 'not listening', felt awful , thought it was just him and I had a real problem on my hands - but then found out lots of other parents (with boys) in exactly the same boat. I think it's a tough world in school for boys - they are all fighting, blaming each other and generally not nice sometimes. But he probably has been affected too by ex situation. Most 5 year olds are fidgety, don't concentrate etc - it's in their nature, and I don't think schools deal well with it expecting them to all the time. just try to keep talking too him without teling him off too much

[cantthinkstraight]

hi - sorry not real advise for this but I wanted to bump this thread as DS is going through exactly the same at school and i would find interesting to hear from other mums who are going through the same with boys of similar age.

Teacher says ds is fidgety and does not respond on time and she thinks something is wrong with him. BUT he's lovely at home!
Teacher also made me feel like DS was the only one behaving like this in class... which I am inclined to not entirely believe as I know some of DS classmates!

I think that at nearly 5 (ds will be 5 in May)a boy is OK to behave like this in school, especially if it'a a new environment for them where there are loads of new rules to follow. Only time can tell...

[jellies]

Have just had similar problem with whineing at school.. this is what worked for me.. Firsly I pointed out as nicely as I could muster that my son is only 5 and did she realise she had nothing positive to say about a 5 year old..
Then I made an arrangment with her to leave a one sentence message about on a scale of one to ten how good his behaviour had been, we started with anything less than 6 we had a treat after tea.. then less than 4 then 3 days at less than 4.. now we are all less than twos and she thinks well be able
to stop the notes soon.
I think sometime they need to get used to a teaching style too and though you can hold his interest in a task or subject she may do things entirly differently, reception is supposed to be about just that adjusting.
Sorry its long I hope it helps!

[cantthinkstraight]

hellsbells76 , keeplaughing and Jellies

how are your kids doing accademically, i.e. with their writing/reading and getting dressed?

The teacher in my case thinks that because he won't listen he doesn't always follow instructions and he's behind the others - that is what I think she is most worried about.

The fact that he might still need time to settle and understand the rules because he's too young (and a boy!) doesn't seem an issue for her at all. Also, another thing I find in common with all you guys as that she will only say positive things about ds (i.e. yes, he's very chatty and very friendly with other children and the stuff, yes he loves numbers and he's very good with those, yes, apparently is very settled and loved at the after school club) when pressed and prompted and when I point out that all she says to me is very negative....

[hellsbells76]

academically he's doing ok - he's actually in yr 1, not reception and is on the red books for reading and his writing seems fine for his age.
jellies - thank you very much for the suggestion - i really like the idea of a daily scale and think it should be easy enough for the teacher to implement.
thank you everyone for your support, feeling a lot less tearful now! have requested a meeting for friday, will let you know how it goes...

[jellies]

He's behind too esp at writing he looses interest and starts to draw, which he is very good at!
Getting dressed he's rubbish but this is probably my fault having three of them to get up and out so no 1 can go to school means I just dont have time for him to faff around! LOL
I wanted to leave his first school meeting in tears!

[keeplaughing]

Aaaagh, don't let teachers intimidate you . My DS is dooing fine academically. We're talking about 5 year olds (mine is now 6 btw)I think we expect far too much - in some countries they don't even start school until 6/7....I know someone whose boy didn't learn to read (wasn't interested, probably fidgety and not concentrating!) and ended up at Oxford University. Mine is brilliant at lots of stuff they don't do in school, Lego, being funny, exploring, helping out at home, cooking -anything really. I think boys this age have short attention spans for sitting still / concentrating on things they're not that interested in AND THAT'S FINE!! Problem is they need to be running around expending energy and not expected to sit still for hours on end, they just don't. Hard if you're a teacher with a big class, but get this - mine is in a class of 13 (gulp, and yes i pay for it), WITH a classroom assistant, and she still can't keep their attention. Her problem, not mine, I think

[hellsbells76]

Update...well I went to see the teacher on Friday who was actually really nice. She said she was 'concerned' about some aspects of his behaviour: aggression, perfectionism (apparently he threw a massive tantrum because he'd drawn a picture of his teddy and the arms were 'too short'), lack of imagination (refused to write a story about losing a toy because he'd never lost one and they had to sit and talk to him for half an hour trying to get him to imagine a situation where he might lose one) and generally inappropriate behaviour/misreading social situations.

She wants to refer him to a specialist. I said 'well you're talking about autism/aspergers here aren't you?' and she said she was reluctant to try and diagnose anything as she isn't qualified, but that the behaviour he's exhibiting seems consistent with being somewhere on the spectrum. Which to be honest I'd wondered about for a while so it wasn't a huge shock to me. She said she wanted to try and get an early diagnosis if it really is the case, so appropriate support can be put in place for him sooner rather than later.

She did say he's obviously very bright academically and is in the second to top group - only isn't in the top group because of the extra attention he needs.

In the meantime, to try and manage his behaviour, I suggested the 1-10 scale (thanks again jellies) and she said she would talk to him about how he would like to keep a record of his behaviour, as she thinks having something that he has devised and is in control of (ie ensuring it gets completed every day) would work well for him.

I told her about the home situation and she thanked me for letting her know - said it makes a huge difference if they know about problems at home.

I'm reading a booklet on autism now and a lot of it does ring bells, although he's obviously at the high-functioning end of the spectrum if he's anywhere on it. In a way I'm hoping that they do reach a diagnosis, as then we can get the support he obviously needs to deal with his social skills/behaviour issues and focus on developing his strengths as much as possible.

Thanks for all your advice!

[cory]

Sounds like both you and the teacher are really getting to grips with this situation. If he is on the Aspergers/autism spectrum, then getting a diagnosis probably will help him, not least because it will give his teachers a chance to distinguish between naughty behaviour and cases where he's doing the best he can. And the right support can make a huge difference. My goddaughter has Aspergers and has coped really well at school, after diagnosis; it was a lot harder before.

[hellsbells76]

Bumping for a quick update. Had parents evening last night (was dreading it) but it went really really well! His teachers said that since they've started implementing strategies to help them deal with the way his mind seems to work, his behaviour has vastly improved. His school work is absolutely fine, his science work especially is 'extraordinary' apparently, and his other teacher (the one I hadn't met yet) made a point of saying what a likeable little boy he is, how you can almost have an adult conversation with him and how they've had many fascinating discussions about the big bang theory(!) and embalming mummies(!!)

They said he's obviously bright and keen to learn and that they feel that changing their approach to him has made all the difference, that he also seems so much happier and more settled. They do still want to get him assessed eventually, mainly to make sure that as he moves up to secondary school the teachers there are aware of how best to handle him.

Back when this started I was very angry about how negative they seemed to be but now I feel so lucky that he has teachers who've taken such an interest in him and really seem to be working hard to help him to progress. Came home all choked and tearful and gave him a huge hug and told him how proud I was of him!