Stroppy Toddler - advice please!

[stanleysmother]

My DS1 is nearly 22 months and is so stroppy it's driving me mad. If I tell him he can't have something he picks up whatever is nearest to him (toy, book, glass of water,lunch) and hurls it on the floor. He doesn't seem to care if I tell him off - I try not to raise my voice and just speak firmly but he is never really bothered. I have tried a naughty step/corner but he sits there quite happily then when his time is up comes running to me smiling to kiss and cuddle... he knows the drill! Maybe he is too young for this sort of thing, but how do I make him understand he shouldn't do it. What's even worse is that if we go anywhere fun: playgroup, swings library etc, and he has to get in his pushchair afterwards he basically 'fights' me.. he goes rigid and thrashes with his arms and legs yelling at the top of his voice. It's so embarrassing and hard work that I've had to stop doing activities like this with him. We had another baby in September so I'm aware that he's vying for attention, but this did start before then... DP and I still haven't got over a 1.5hr flight to Nice last June when DS was thrashing so wildly on DP's knee that he headbutted him and bruised his jaw and everything we gave him to pacify him was hurled at force across the plane. Hmm Cornwall this year I think! Do you think I am best just to ignore bad behaviour like this until he grows out of it or is there a clever way to deal with it!? Advice gratefully received!

[mad4mybaby]

with my ds i find distraction the best thing. Like 'did you just see that squirrel?' or saying silly things to make him laugh. Helps to prevent a tantrum alot of the time. Or using fav tv prog like if he struggles when im putting him in car seat i say 'lets put our seat belt on like iggle piggle does, do you remember how he does it?'

Might sound silly but worth a try!

[Hecate]

Do you have a playpen?

Naughty step won't work because he has your attention - you have to keep him there.

However, a rather high sided playpen works wonders.

You can say "No ". If he does it again (within a reasonable amount of time, or he'll have forgotten the initial no) then say "I said no X", pick him up and put him in the playpen and turn your back on him and do some routine stuff.

Leave him in there for a few minutes, totally ignored and then take him out.

Repeat for bloody ages until the penny drops!

Oh - but NEVER take him out if he is screaming or he will think that his tantrum got him out! He must be calm to be lifted out.

Of course, if you can stop it before it starts, so much the better - spot the warning signs and go for distraction.

And there are times when all you can do is restrain him. You are FAR stronger than he is and, in exceptional circumstances, you can do a wraparound. You pin his arms down and wrap yours around his torso, have a leg over his legs and tuck your head down so he can't throw his head back and headbut you. You can experiment with what works best with that - silence, or shh shhh noise, or softly saying relax or whatever.

And if it's safe to do so, you can always let him get on with it and pretend you haven't noticed.

And you can also get out the crayons and sit at the table and start drawing a picture and laughing to yourself, while not noticing him having a strop!

And sometimes I used to put my hand to their lips and wobble to make a waah-waah noise while they screamed.

But this was for my personal amusement and probably a Bad Bad Thing.

[Hecate]

Oh, I forgot, I also used to sing!

Suddenly, I'd burst into loud song.

Used to leave them totally bemused.

[mad4mybaby]

ha ha hecate that made me laugh! Glad im not the only one that does things like that for your own amusement!

[stanleysmother]

Ha ha that's genius Hecate! Ignoring him is deffo the best plan but I almost can't wait for his next wobbler just so I can start singing and crayoning!!! Ta x

[mrsgboring]

IMO time out is of very limited use for this agegroup. Remember he is still very little and it's understandable that he should feel upset and angry when you say he can't have something. In this sort of situation, I always comfort and then distract as fast as I can with something else - this helps him model how to deal with these feelings (which let's face it are there for life. Have you ever seen red when someone says the train you wanted to catch has been cancelled, or wanted to cry when the canteen is out of your favourite sandwich when you're having a hard day at work etc. etc?)

For the leaving situations, develop a set phrase and give him a gentle warning that you are about to depart. Tell him exactly what you're going to do to get out, i.e. "when you've had one more go on the slide, we're going to get in the pushchair, put the straps on and walk home. Now, into the pushchair, ready, 1 2 3 in you go." Don't forget details that are key to a toddler. At 22 months, I found it helpful to say everything that was going to happen, e.g. if it's time to get shoes on and he also needs socks, don't forget to mention that too - they are a bit obsessive and literal minded at that age and I found DS liked details.

Oh and lastly, something I found massively helpful, and it sounds like some hippy nonsense but it's really powerful. Change your langugage. Unless it's absolutely impossible, always tell him what you DO want him to do, rather than what you don't. So, if you want him to stop touching something say, "turn round now and come back to mummy" instead of "don't touch that X" The theory is that you just flood their mind with thoughts of the bad thing if you mention it, and also toddlers don't take in negatives very well. Also, don't say for example, "if you put your shoes away then you can have your yoghurt." If it's not a choice, don't give him one. You say, "When you put your shoes away then you can have/do X." I can't believe how much these two habits have changed my interaction with DS.

[stanleysmother]

Thanks for the advice MrsGB - makes perfect sense. With DS2 only 16wks it's hard to remember that DS1 is still a baby himself. Much appreciated