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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

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21 replies

LynetteScavo · 05/01/2008 20:12

DD - 2 1/2 is reusing to go to bed! This has been going on for the past few weeks. She just laughs and keeps comming down stairs. Eventually we get so annoyed we end up holding her in bed untill she crys her self to sleep. She is tired - she has recently dropped her nap. This is hell- she's screaming now, and even DH has a cross voice!. Help!

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Gursky · 05/01/2008 20:15

There are fans of Rapid Return on MN somewhere - I am no expert but it seems to involve returning child to be immediately they get out, no eye contact, no speech, no cuddles. I think it can take many many trips for the first few nights, but they quickly get over the novelty.

Anyway, I feel for you - my 2.5 yo has just started yelling from his bed - AGAIN.

Pheebe · 05/01/2008 20:16

How awful for you all. Based on our experience with our DS I would put a gate on her bedroom, give her a nightlight on a timer set for say half an hour after she goes to bed and give her a couple of picture books to look at after you've done your normal bedtime routine. The deal is she has free roam of her room only (can't come downstairs etc) and can stay awake until her light goes off them its time to settle down. Holding her in bed won't teach her how to settle herself she needs to be comfortable and feel safe in her bed. This has worked brilliantly for our DS, he's happy to go to bed and enjoys his own wind down time.
good luck

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 20:17

I know you will have tried this but a stair gate on her door? If she's toilet trained and you can't use one could you put a potty in her room?

What does she really like that you could take away when she doesn;t do as you ask after warnings and threats?

What could she work towards using a sticker chart/incentive if she does what you want?

juuule · 05/01/2008 20:19

Some suggestions until she's ready to stay in her own bed:

Let her stay downstairs until she falls asleep.

One of you lie on her bed with her until she nods off.

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 20:29

juuule -much respect to you but 'rod for own back' springs to mind with the lying by her side until she nods off...

juuule · 05/01/2008 20:34

I've never taken much notice of the 'rod for your own back' advice since after my first child.
This little girl is 2.5. Where's the harm in being with her for a while and being a comfort to her? She'll settle with time. It's not forever.

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 20:36

I was just thinkg along the 'She just laughs..' bit of the op. This little girl is taking the mick.

LynetteScavo · 05/01/2008 20:37

She is in her room and slient... fingers crossed.

We tried "rapid return" with DS1, when we dodn't want him to come into our bed any more. It took 6 weeks, he's a "willfull little chap"

This has thrown me, as she's always been so easy good . The other evening we went to bed, and took her with us. DH was asleep before her.

Sorry for the moan, there seems to be a lot of us on MN tonight feeling sorry for ourselves.
And after all, I can't MN properly if she's running around giggling.

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Gursky · 05/01/2008 20:39

Juuule - it is such a relief to hear someone say that (surely see someone type that - one for Pedant's Corner!) - we usually end up sitting with DS until he is asleep, and I feel awful doing it because everyone says we should have bedtime sorted out. But I have tried controlled crying, and after what seems like hours of him screaming for me through a crack in the door, I can't bear it.

I can't believe this will last forever.

Janni · 05/01/2008 20:48

OK, this is where you have to KNOW in your own mind that your child is going to go to bed and stay in bed. If that child has an ounce of an inkling that they can get away with laughing at you, that is what they will do. YOU decide when it is bedtime - don't make it too early and you do the routine with the absolute calm assurance that it is now bedtime. (Just act if you don't actually feel it). There is no need for threats or bribes and you do not get into any discussion. Once you've done your nice bedtime routine, and don't shirk on that, THAT IS IT. If they get up you don't say a word you take hold of them, put them back in bed and leave the room. If they scream, they scream, if they get up you silently put them back to bed, you do not engage in any discussion.

I have three children 11, 7 and 3. I know what I am talking about.

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 21:20

I totally agree with Janni

LynetteScavo · 05/01/2008 21:31

You are right Mumept girl, she is taking the mick. She's still calling for me to go and kiss her thumb! She is sooo different form DS1, who would have been traumatised if I'd left him alone in his room, but I seem to forget she's so different. As for her staying up, I value my evenings too much. I let her stay up last night, then she started crying as I has some chocolate, and wouldn't let her have an, as she'd brushed her teeth (and I was feeling tired and mean) It's so hard having to parent diferent children differently.

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juuule · 05/01/2008 21:32

Oh well if you've had 3 children and you know what you're talking about - that must be the right way and obviously the only way to do it

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 21:35

LynetteScavo - I totally agree with the different parenting to different children. My ds 1 (3.9) is totally different form ds 2 (9 weeks) Things that worked with ds 1 aren't working with ds 2 and vice versa.

Just when you think you've got it licked, they chuck another challenge into the ring for you.

...but we love 'em for it!
(Well, apart from when we WANT THEM TO SLEEP GODDAMIT!)

muppetgirl · 05/01/2008 21:37

I am off to bed now as ds 2 will be wanting my boobs at 3-4am and I need my beauty sleep. Ds 1 would sleep through till 5-6am everynight by 9 weeks.

Good luck LynetteScavo, I wish you a peaceful night!!

juuule · 05/01/2008 21:39

Gursky, don't worry about what other people say. You do what you feel is right for you and your child. Much kinder imo on everyone at 2y of age if you've tried other things and your child still can't settle. Okay it might put you out for a while but it passes. We found that our children normally settled on average around 3y, some were earlier and some a bit later.
Our first child we did all the various methods that are usually mentioned and he was one of our worst sleepers. We were much more accommodating of the needs of the following 8.
I think I would rather rest at the side of my child at 2y of age than hold her in bed until she cried herself to sleep.

Janni · 06/01/2008 00:58

OK juule, point taken.

It's just that with DS1 I did the whole lying with him every night till he finally deigned to go to sleep and to be honest, it nearly led to the end of my marriage as DH and I never had any time together. By the time we had DD3, who came to us from foster care at the age of 2, I was just such a different sort of parent. Her foster carers had lain with her every night to get her to sleep and we did that to start with as that was what she was used to, but then realised that it was just a habit, she really didn't need it. She now goes to sleep with her dummy and blankie, on the dot of seven every night. I just feel really strongly that parents can become slaves to their children because they don't have the confidence to really take charge of bedtime and it puts such a strain on families.

juuule · 06/01/2008 11:46

Janni, you have to do what you have to do, I suppose, taking into consideration your family circumstances.
I do think it's sad, though, when someone thinks they are doing the wrong thing because they 'haven't got the bedtime thing sorted' when in fact they are supporting their child through a period of time that will pass. Some children need more support than others.
The general opinion seems to be that if you are not strict and firm about bedtime then it's your own fault that your child doesn't sleep through. The 'rod for your own back' turns up time and again. It isn't true. Children get to an age when you know, they know, you know that they are trying it on and they usually hold their hands up when challenged and go to bed (Occassionally not if they are overtired). If they are still very upset when they go to bed (to the point of being held in their bed), then I would think they'd not reached that age yet. And 2yo is still very young.

HonoriaGlossop · 06/01/2008 12:11

As I usually seem to do I totally agree with juule.

People are often frightened of their children, that's why the 'rod for your own back' thing is said...by that I mean that they transpose what is currently happening to the future and imagine it will always be the same, which of course it won't...children develop and their needs and demands change.

It's totally a matter of opinion whether it is better to have that power struggle over bedtime; yes you'll win it but.....you'll also win if you lay with the child for a time, just when they need it. The point is it's not forever, when they're calmer about bedtime you can start to leave to 'do something' and proceed to just checking on them etc etc etc....

if you're having to 'hold' a child in bed, you may as well make a deal that you'll stay while they drop off so long as they stay in bed quietly.

LynetteScavo · 06/01/2008 12:40

I'm quite happy to lay with my cheeky little madam. We've only just stopped snuggling DS1 to sleep, and he's now 9. I often have to go and wake DH up because he's fallen asleep with DS2. Lying with her isn't the problem- since she was new bortn she's been happy to fall asleep by herself......the problem is she doesn't seem at all tired, even though she is. My boys would get grumpy and miserable, but not DD - she's dancing around, giggling, calling for the cat, wanting to re-style my hair... basically I'm complaining about having a lovely, lively, fun loving, cheeky DD.

Heaven help me when she's a teenager

Juuule, I'm far more selfish than you, and value my time alone with DH (and my chocolate) too much to let my children stay downstairs. With most parenting issues, it's about getting the balance right for you, and them.

A stair gate wouldn't work as, like my boys, DD has monkey blood and would just climb over. I will try a night light, and let her play by herself tonght. Thanks pheebe, anything is worth a go.

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LynetteScavo · 06/01/2008 12:44

I've just realised this is untitled

I must have been tired last night!

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