I don't want to and very loud screaming in a four year old

[winkywonkywoo]

my ds sometimes gets so frustrated when he cant do something or get his own way, which is fair enough but when i go to talk to him about it throws himself to the floor goes puce and issues an ear splitting shriek.

often if i say calm down in my best calm voice it makes it worse, if i see he is getting frustrated and try to step in before the worst it just escalates, ie damp day and he is trying to climb up slide and keeps slipping, i explain why, suggest an alturnative the answer no i want to, he keeps trying and keeps failing getting crosser and crosser becomeing hysterical.

My stock resposne recently has been verbal reassurance, then if he continues a warning he will go to his room to calm down, more often than not he doesn't so i physically remove him as usally he is hysterical and then he screams -very loudly and does come down calm eventually.

I expected this to work and by now this behaviour would be history but it isnt and seems if anything to be stepping up- Help, any tips

[frazzledbutcalm]

I think you just have a strong willed child, like my dd, who will not give up, not give in, and will NOT be proved wrong under any circumstances! My dd now 8 and i still have battles every day! Doesnt get easier in my experience

[needmorecoffee]

My dd does the same. She'll be 4 in March. I'm assuming its normal then? I'd put it down to the fact that she has cerebral palsy and can't walk or talk or use her hands and so was getting fustrated. But maybe its just 4 yos!
She can move one hand about an inch but its very very hard. Now when I ask her she has a paddy and will move the hand away from the switch.

[winkywonkywoo]

thanks frazzledbutcalm, that sounds just like my ds, think I'd better battan down the hatches!!!

needmorecoffee you've made me feel quite humble.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I try to let her get on with things, if she gets hurt, looks silly, whatever then so be it. Being nice doesn't help, being horrible doesnt help, being understanding doesnt help. I put my foot down over things that matter, turn a blind eye to things that dont. Im still working on trying to get her to stop being so stroppy and awkward! It seems like she cant have a nice day or even few hours, she has to do something to spoil it or find fault with it. Ive decided thats just who she is and how shes gonna be.

[emmaagain]

If it's something he's trying to do and having trouble with, less talking and more actual (easily ignored) offers of help?

e.g. on the slide just stand nearby with a hand to help him climb up if he wants

or grab a few tissues from your bag or whatever and say "hey, let's dry the slide off, and you'll find it easier"

or even, if you're not too bothered about looking odd to all the conventional families, suggest taking shoes off because bare feet are better at gripping on slippy slides.

If he's used to you helping whenever you possibly can, he'll be more understanding when you can't think of a way to help him "get his own way". (Getting our own way is a Good Thing, by the way, and gradually learning how to get our own way without inconveniencing others is a valuable thing for a parent to be helping a child to learn - no need for "discipline")

[frazzledbutcalm]

sounds great in theory emmaagain, but when you have a dd like mine, she just turns the tables again and finds different fault/things to kick off about. I agree with getting own way being good thing.

[emmaagain]

Ah, well, we can only cope with the crisis happening just now, and then deal with the next crisis when the next crisis arises

I'd rather expend lots of energy on helping a child solve each difficulty as it arises than get into lots of power struggles and screaming tantrums - I believe that every time we succeed in helping our children get what they want, it makes them trust us more next time what they want might need outside ideas or negotiation - it's an ongoing relationship and it just gets easier and easier. Er... I guess the one word post would have been "Trust"

[VictorianSqualor]

The reason they scream and fight is because you get into a power struggle with them, even if it isn't something you have any bearing over i.e. a damp slide, you are getting the brunt of their frustration.

Best thing to do is ignore it, DS has been doing this sort of thing lately with DP, with me I just say 'calm down and tell me what the matter is' if he doesn't calm down I tell him 'Well, I can't understand you when you're not calm sorry' and walk away.

If I was at the park I'd go and sit down with the paper, if I was at home I'd go and make a cup of tea, anything so I become 'busy'. Leave them to calm down themselves, there is absolutely no point in getting into a power struggle with a child. You won't win, and it will just escalate because even as adults our egos get the better of us and we become determined to 'win' the only real way to win, is not to start it in the first place!

He will eventually come over to you, guaranteed, because when mum is busy she is needed a million times more.

When he does come over explain to him that you understand he was frustrated or angry or fed-up w/e (always validate their feelings, it might seem ridiculous to us, but to them it's huge) tell him you're glad he has calmed down now because you can't understand him when he is screaming, yelling, putting holes in the floor with his head etc and ask him what the problem was. When you know the problem (although you probably already did!) offer a solution, if the solution isn't good enough, try another one, sometimes they will strop over the solution as well as the problme but if they do just go through the whole thing again.

I know how annoying it can be btw, I remember when DD used to do it, thankfully I know how to control it with DS now so I don't get stressed out about it, but I did feel like throwing her out of the window to be eaten by rabid pigeons, many a time.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think your approach is fine winky and basically your ds will get better at dealing with his own frustrations as he matures; 4 yrs old seems to be an extremely 'highly strung' time for boys, judging by what I read on here and my own experience with my ds.

You've already identified that trying to step in can escalate things so I totally agree with emma's approach of just silently sticking your hand out to help him with a scenario like the slide thing; if he doesn't want your help he can ignore it; and tbh you can't stop him getting frustrated if he won't accept your help. Also agree with Vic that if you are TOO helpful, they just end up focussing the frustration on you!

When ds was like this rather than telling him to calm down I would just look really sympathetically at him and say how sorry I was that he felt so awful. Not much else you can do IMO except sympathise and allow them to deal with their own feelings.

[frazzledbutcalm]

Good advice vic. Not sure it will work with my dd now she's 8. I've adapted it a bit in the past but i feel im fighting a losing battle. She's the typical old saying - when she's good she's very very good, but when she's bad she's horrid!!

[needmorecoffee]

winkywonky, under dd's CP she is just a child. What I struggle with is what is 'normal' for her age and what is part and parcel of the CP. So bad sleeping is a CP thing cos she can't turn over and gets muscles cramps and spasms. Having a paddy when askedto do something is 4 yo stuff.
Her understanding is variable. She's intelligent but hasn't learnt what a mobile 4 yo knows so is delayed in some regards. So, she wouldn't understand 'come here' because she can't but she does understand 'which book shall I read you?' (and its always 'we're going on a perishing bear hunt' )
She's also much more self centrede than your average 4yo because everything is done for her as she can do nothing. DH says she has 'Little Princess Syndrome'. So she cries a lot.
I just struggle with trying to work out what is normal 4 yo behaviour. Hence chiming in cos your post reassured me. I'm always petrified dd will lose her intelliegnce and regress cos of her seizures so sometimes when she cries lots or is having tantrums I worry myself sick.

[Lazylou]

I'm glad I'm not the only one with all the troubles a 4 yo brings! Thought the tantrums were supposed to get better once they got passed 2/3, but apprently not. You're not on your own!

[cory]

A very useful mantra is:

Childrearing is work in progress!

No quick fixes. You may be doing all the right things, doesn't mean things are going to clear up instantly, or even this year.

Parenting means having the stamina to go on doing the same thing day after sodding day, it means eternal optimism ("no, he really won't be doing this when he's 42 and a company director").

[frazzledbutcalm]

Hi cory. Hope you don't mind me asking but where did you get cory from as your mn name?