Should DS be forced into sharing nights with X?

[wildfish]

Okay, brief explanation. Before the divorce DS was leaning towards me, preferred me to do things for him. Since the divorce although we agreed to alternate nights, after a three months, DS was getting really agitated and only wanted to sleep my house, not X house. X agreed (seemed easier - no night time disturbances, concentrate on career etc). Meanwhile I work from home in the majority and take day to day looking after.

Anyhow X is now demanding - that DS spends nights there too. I am opposed unless DS wants to, e.g. X makes the effort where DS is happy to. X wants to force and ride out the crying and upset, and believes it is habit and something to be broken. Says its not healthy.

DS is 3.9, and I think quite sensitive, he seemed to withdraw externally when this started happening a year ago, and now seems to have recovered in confidence etc, but I fear this new attempt will set it all back.

Am I being unfair? I genuinely worry about him, I feel X is only worried about Xs feelings. X wants me to make my place less attractive (thinks its do with toys etc), and wants me to tell DS that he has to spend time over there. Don't get me wrong DS is happy to go out and spend "limited" time over there, but just not overnight or more than say 4-5 hours day time.

I've only agreed to help if there is no coercion, and DS is not upset. X believes that 3.9 year old should not be making the decision and as a kid should just be told, and will get over it.

Am I wrong? I suspect the outside thinking is it is up to the parents, and it wont harm him, or I have poisoned his mind (believe me the bias was there before the divorce too). As DS daily parent I don't believe it is good to break his security.

[witchandchips]

Its not up to you to make your house less attractive, but up to your xp to rebuild trust and love from your son.

you could perhaps talk about it (xp's house) as an exciting place, make a big deal of it being good that boys do things together, make it clear that you are happy that he enjoys himself at xp's house

imho i think it is counterproductive to force the issue.

good luck

[trockodile]

Don't know the background but would it help if x stayed at your house for 1 night (could you stay at his or with a friend?) If he sees you do not want to keep him away from ds he may be more reasonable and ds may feel more secure. Good luck.

[titchy]

In a way x is right - it is up tot eh adults to make the decision - not the child. However they have to decide what is in the child's best interests. Long term it probably is best that he spends a night over at X's. What you need to do TOGETHER is set a plan for how this will be achieved. Hopefully X will see that you are willing to work towards what he wants and support ds in building up to this. And if ds in feeling insecure then he might need to build up his time spent at X's gradually. TBH and I hope you don't mind me saying, spending alternate nights with each of you must have been very confusing - haveing to try and remember each night whose house he was sleeping at. I would think that if X has him on fixed days each week, and if you can get ds to assiciate something else that happens in that day with the days he spends with X this would build up his security. Eg if such and such is on TV in the moring then that's the day he goes to dad's later. Once he's got the hang on days of the week this'll be fine.

I'm not explaining myself very well but he needs security of knowing which days he goes to X's. And X should build up the time ds spends there, so 4 hours, then 4.5 hours, then 5 hours, then 5.5 etc etc, building up to all day, then overnight. And you do NOT need to make your house less attractive - X needs to make his house MORE attractive! This is nothing to do with toys, it's about security and haveing a constant in his life!

[Pitchounette]

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