Are children born selfish and have to be taught kindness?

[farfaraway]

DD1 is almost 7 and is mostly a lovely, lively, chatty, confident child. But she never seems to think of others or their feelings. I am not sure if this is a natural/personality thing or I have done something very wrong.

Today there was a perfect example: DD2 burst her balloon and DD1's first comment: 'Well at least I still have mine.' No thought at all for how upset her sister might be. I have tried so many things demonstrating through example, reading stories (shirley huges is good for these) or saying what would have been a nice/unselfish response but to no avail.

Is this normal behaviour for a child of her age and I am expecting too much for her to think of her others? Or am I doing/not doing something I should be?

[jalopy]

I think it's normal but some children develop empathetic feelings earlier than others. Some children will always have a selfish tendency. Others will be extraordinary caring. They learn by example so you're doing a great job.

[jalopy]

extraordinarily

[TwigorTreat]

some develop empathy earlier than others ... some develop more natural empathy than others

how did you react to 'well at least I still have mine' .. I would have said something along the lines of 'yes you're right and that's a really nice thing for you, but imagine if you were DD2, how would you be feeling?" .... if she can't provide the words I think I'd provide them for her "sad?, angry? etc"

and do it whenever these situations occur

can't hurt can it

[colditz]

It does depend too, upon what they choose to bestow this empathy. Ds1 will happily batter little ds2 around the head with a blunt object, but cried when he saw a plasticEaster chick crushed under the sofa.

[TwigorTreat]

but plastic easter chicks are far more important than little brothers colditz [

[colditz]

Oh he was beside himself, he really was, trying to lift the sofa up, screaming at me, I have never seen him so upset.

This same child who cut off the cat's whiskers 'to make them all the same'

[howlingatthefullmoonmother]

My Dd is also 7,she is very caring ,for example if her brother(3) falls over,I have to race with her to console him.
She very empathic too,in fact she's very sensitive,often worrying about someone else.

Consideration for others,ie being quiet because someone else is feeling unwell,or still asleep ,is quite another matter,lol.
I've had to try to explain to her how to be considerate,I'm hoping that comes with age.

[3sEnough]

I think it's a bit of both (nature v nurture and all that!) ds is 7 too and is really kind, thoughtful - always has been. dd1 is almost 5 and just isn;t....although she's getting better as she gets older. dd2 currently thinks about herself first and then herself again...but she is 2!

[GooseyLoosey]

Think much of it is learned and the age varies from child to child.

With ds (4), it often depends on his degree of involvement in whatever has caused the distress. If it was him in anyway then he will laugh or pretend that it is not happening (eg had to prise him off dd and when I stood up, smacked my head on a beam so hard I was seeing stars - ds's reaction - smirking). However, if he was not involved, then he is very tender and considerate.

Dd (just 3) will give hugs if someone is visibly upset (she did when I was seeing stars) but is never tender and thoughtful in the way ds can be (probably too young yet).

[Fennel]

My 7yo dd1 has always been very sensitive and empathetic, a total softie, but my 6yo dd2 used to be a bit selfish but lately has been surprising us with lots of empathetic caring behaviour, which is really nice, given that it's a definite change, not something she always had.

My 3.5 year old dd3 is totally lacking in empathy, she recenty found the trip to the vet's to put down the sick hamster "fun" (Dp and dd1 cried), and keeps asking if we can dig up our recently dead cat so we can bury it again.

[AussieSim]

I have often observed that girls are far more nurturing thatn boys as a generalisation.

My DS1 though (an aquarian for those that might have meaning for) is 4.5 and his pre-school teacher says a humanitarian by nature, went to the doctors today with me as he had an eye infection. He let the doctor poke around in his eye and turn the eyelid inside out - the lot! The Doctor who has known him for years was commenting what a well-behaved boy he had been and then offered him a jelly bean. The doctor's face was a bit shocked when he selected two - a blue one for himself, but more shocking, a yellow one for his 2 year old brother who was in childcare. He kept it in the pocket of his shirt all day and happily presented it to DS2 when we picked him up. These are the moments .

I try to teach my boys empathy and consideration, but really will not claim credit for DS1's behaviour today. For some I think it is something they truly have to learn from scratch (as my DH will willingly admit to). I think that it is very much part of their personality how easily it comes to them.

[Elibean]

Hmm, I wonder how many adults would have a similar thought ie 'thank god its them and not me' when something bad happens to someone close to us? But we wouldn't say it out loud, and probably not admit it to ourselves even

I think saying what she did, in reaction, is really normal. But I agree with Twig, you could do some chatting/modelling on the other part - thinking about the other person and how they feel. When I ask dd1 to imagine how someone else feels (she's nearly 4) she does it immediately, and that really puts her in touch with some feelings about them - which she might not otherwise feel, IYSWIM.

[farfaraway]

Been off line all day but thanks for replies. Lol at the cat whiskers colditz.
I think DD1 may just need a little more help than others as it doesn't seem to come naturally - especially where DD2 is concerned. Today she has been fantastic with DD2 and I have praised/acknowledged it enormously but I can't help feeling in the back of my mind it is a little contrived and unatural occurance due to my bad response to her comments yesterday. (Yes I did point out it was nice for her but imagine how DD2 as feeling BUT in a very angry tone of voice!)

I just can't help noticing that DD2 is showing more signs of empathy or unselfish behaviour at 2yrs. ie when I am struggling though a door with DD3 (3 mths) in car seat DD2 will rush to hold open the door. After seeing her sister do this DD1 will try to do it too but the thought does not come to her.

I look forward to the day she remembers DD2 like your DS Aussiesim but in the meantime will continue to 'help' her think of others but perhaps not lose my rag next time..

[Blandmum]

I think that most of them have to learn it.

And when the penny drops depends from child to child. Ds is more empathic and sympathetic than dd and always has been