Hi Mums,
We're at a bit of a challenging stage with our 3yr 5mo daughter and hoping for some advice/ shared experiences.
She is a bright, chatty, happy, capable, loving little girl, who is developing within milestones etc. She also has had tantrums and meltdowns on occasions consistent with her age but has upped the ante with these recently and my husband and I have noticed this is having an increasing impact on life day to day. We've gone through phases where the tantrums peak, then improve, and it's possible we're just going through another tough persistent peak!
Meltdowns are being triggered multiple times a day by things like not wanting to brush teeth, not wanting to get dressed, not wanting a bath, not wanting to go to bed, wanting treat foods when not allowed, not wanting to eat dinner, not getting the snack she wants, not being able to wear what she wants etc. She can do many things for herself, such as dress herself, and if you ask and ask repeatedly and she messes around without getting knickers on (for example) and then try to intervene/ help to speech things up she gets annoyed and this can spark a tantrum. She'll cry, whinge, shout, scream, curl up and refuse to do what you ask, and sometimes role on the floor and kick. She's primarily just emotional but if you try to intervene, i.e. stand her up or help her get her clothes on, she sometimes then starts kicking and thrashing around (and hubby is always wary that I step back in case I get kicked being heavily pregnant).
You can very occasionally distract or reason, or encourage her out of it, but this is getting harder and more rare. The only thing that ever seems to work is leaving her to cool off, and then going back to her at which point she's really emotional, wants to be cuddled for ages and will eventually come round and just snap out of it. For a while I could make things into a game i.e. 'who can do their teeth first', which she responded well too, but now this rarely works. It's not nice seeing my daughter so distressed but primarily this is making it really hard to get out the house for nursery/ appointments/ anything! I'm sure I'm not alone but it's also incredibly exhausting having these battles over the basics required just to get out of the house or get to bed every morning.
We've tried to address the behaviour by;
- being patient and empathic (cuddles and validating feelings, i.e. I'm sorry you're disappointed/ this makes you sad)
- reassurance
- encouragement
- making tasks fun
- offering choices where we can
- consequences- i.e. you miss out on your treat if this carries on
- being firm and clear about expectations
- ignoring it
- leaving her alone to ride it out
- time out to calm down
- getting cross/ firmer approach
Nothing seems to work- if you have a good 30 mins she can come round from it or you can soothe her round usually but when this happens multiple times over the basic morning routine there just isn't time to do that if you want to get anywhere!
Of course I understand that tantrums/defiance are normal for this age but they seem to be getting worse and getting anywhere on time is getting tough. I'm heavily pregnant which doesn't help of course. I've worked as a SW in children's MH and like to think I have a good understanding of children's brain development and milestones etc (but nothing compares to doing it with your own child of course).
We've considered/ trouble shooted the following;
- her speech is of course still developing but is really good for her age. and when calm she can express herself really well
- routine- she has a consistent routine and has done since a baby, there is some deviation on nursery days (3 days a week) but she is used to that
- diet- generally good, varied and not too much sugar
- sleep- sleeping well, full night's sleep and at least an hour in the day (although skips this at nursery so bedtimes are harder those evenings)
- changes- has recently moved into big girl room ready for baby sibling to arrive next month. We've taken this slowly, made this fun and exciting, bought her a big sister book to help process feelings, chat with her lots about it, nursery also supporting with it and she talks loads (really positively) at nursery about her baby sibling
At nursery she is perfectly happy, compliant, polite, fits their routine perfectly, plays with other children beautifully- no issues at all! If we ever mention off the cuff that we've had a bit of an emotional morning/ challenging behaviour trying to get out the door the staff are shocked as that's not the child they see- which is of course reassuring, but equally I'm wondering where we're going wrong. I'm also a bit concerned how I'll ever get anywhere once I've had the baby.
We're just finding the days quite tough to get through currently and I guess I'm wondering how others got through this phase? Any similar experiences- is this normal?? Does it get better or have we got the worst to some? As it feels like things are harder than they were when she was younger and had less speech etc.
thanks in advance xxx