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6 year old defiant and unable to control emotions(5 Posts)
I’m looking for some help regarding my 6 (7 next month) year old ds.
He cannot take no for an answer and will continue asking on and on until we end up having a massive row.
Eg tonight -
It was bedtime and he was trying to take his iPad up to his bedroom. I said no and he can’t keep it up there it’s only for downstairs. Asks why. I say that’s just the rules. But why. Again I repeat myself. Continually asks but why starting to whine and moan now. I tel him if he continues then iPad is gone tomorrow. Keeps going and saying no no I’ll be good I promise. I tell him to go upstairs to brush teeth. Goes upstairs and again starts saying please can I have iPad tomorrow I promise I’ll be good. Again I tell him no, and if he continues moaning at me he’ll lose it for a week. Says I’m being mean and calls me an idiot and to shut up. I tel him iPad is now banned for a week due to his language and he is to go to his room immediately. Refuses to go to his room and keep asking why and saying he will be good, shouting and making lots of noise (He has another 2 sibling who are trying to sleep) Keeps getting worse all the while I try to ignore he starts poking my arm saying please please mummy I’ll be good. I lose my temper and tell him if he’s not in bed Once I count to 10 then iPad gone for a month. You guessed it he gets more irate and shouting. I genuinely have no idea what to do... all of this over one simple request. This is a regular occurrence. He just cannot be disciplined - he won’t go to his room and just keeps arguing no matter what I say, and then starts being rude and ruder if ignore causing more trouble - it’s a viscous cycle.
He will then get so worked up that I can’t get him to calm down before bed. He’s eventually gone down now, 1.5 hours after the initial arguments
Please can someone offer me some help as I’m just feeling so worn out.
I responded on your other thread.x
There are many threads similar to this and it is normally quite apparent what is going wrong, but from what you have said it seems that you are doing most things right. It is impossible to tell us everything, but I presume there is a lot more to it as I wouldn't expect you to be having the problems you are having currently.
If you have not been consistent in punishments or have backed down previously, he will push the boundaries or escalate things further to try to get you to back down because you have had enough/it isn't worth it. If you always stick to your guns he will eventually stop, or try a new tactic.
Alternatively there could be a medical reason for his behaviour, or something you have missed that may help further.
There are a few things I picked up on you are doing that will be not be the sole reason for his behaviour, but hopefully they may help you.
If you give a child a count before punishment, you teach them that until the end of the count they can do what they want. That also goes for future behaviour, they start to understand they can do anything they want because later there will be a count and they only need to stop at that point.
Children need to know why things are the way they are, including rules. It is also really helpful because they can apply those reasons to similar situations in future so you aren't having constant battles.
If your reason for no tablet is that it is bed time, tell him it stays downstairs because it is bed time, we can't play in our sleep or it may wake your siblings etc. From that he will learn you don't be noisy and you don't play at bed time, instead of I can't have my tablet because mummy says so/is mean. When he gets a phone, laptop, new toy, he will understand the same rules will apply. Currently all he knows is that tablets aren't allowed, so you will be having another fall out with him in future.
You also mention about increasing the amount of time for a punishment, but at 6 years old they don't understand the length of time very well. Therefore increasing it wont be much more of a punishment.
Finally reward him when he gets it right and doesn't battle with you, it doesn't have to be much. Let him pick his favourite tea for the next day and tell him how great he is.
Tacca's reply is excellent, especially about explaining the reason behind rules. Something else (in addition to reflecting on Tacca's post) is you could try a sticker chart for being in bed by X time (and have digital clocks in the lounge room, bathroom etc where he can see how long he has left) with a reward for every X stickers that he can choose from a list
@Cocacola12 I'd try and explain "why". I.e. "you can't have your iPad upstairs because it negatively affects your sleep, keeps you awake...etc".
It's a good idea to not get into "because I said so" state, I think.
Logic is a good way forward, just calmly having a discussion, rather than an argument. Ask him questions, ask him why he wants the iPad, what else would he like to do, what he feels like and why he thinks he feels like it and how it can be mitigated. Give him options.
I'm not saying you should give in, but giving him a reason, that he can understand, will avoid many misunderstandings in the future.